My W (who is a potential Walk away wife) stated that she has an emotional relationship with another man. She has come up with a plan to share the house and buy a near by condo. That way either one of us could use the condo when we don't have the kids. The kids could stay in the house. I am not crazy about the idea of sharing a bed that my ex (I guess in this case) wife would use with her current significant other. She heard this from one of her other seperated friends. Has anyone out there heard of this and could it work? I see a lot of "issues" with this idea and frankly I don't like the idea of sleeping in a bed that my wife used with her new man. I like the idea of a clean break -if we can't fix it- and moving on. The kids would suffer though but she is the one pushing for it.
Clean Break, Move On. She left the R. You leave the M. That's what I did. Then you say, "STBX, you don't decide for me and I'm not moving." Man up. Protect yourself/children. Read other posts for those in similar circumstances. GAL (said in the nicest way possible) and get your self respect back.
Me 44, W 39, S 6, D 6, M 21 Bomb June 18, 2010 I filed D July 20, 2010 W filed counter suit Aug 2 Rings came off Aug 5, 2010
She is coming at you with an idea that she's presenting to be good for your children, when in actuality, she is not woman enough to be an adult or accept her actions.
She is demonstrating significant disrespect for you while still wanting to have financial gain from you-if i understand correctly.
You need to set some boundaries:
wife i will not participate in an open marriage, you are free to leave, do you need help packing your bags.
wife i will be the responsible parent and i choose to remain in our maritial home until a court order tells you otherwise, i will raise the children you are free to go and live your life.
here is your visitation schedule with the children. i fyou have a problem with it, you make one that you feel is best for our children.
Me 39 H 30 d 18 previous marriage d 2.5 with H s 4.5months with H Seperation Nov09 july i'm dim to dark - set internal deadline
There are many wonderful and well-meaning people who post on these boards. They care a lot and want to help. However, please know that there are solutions beyond what some of them may suggest. I strongly recommend that you speak with a Divorce Busting Coach for direction for your future and the future of your family. Your coach will - first of all - help you clarify your thinking. I know your head must be spinning -- looking in all direction to find a clear picture of what is happening right now and what you might be able to do about it. Then your coach will help you come up with a specific plan to get your life back on track. Many marriages actually grow and become better after surviving an affair. I've seen that happen thousands of times. So be sure to check out all of your options. Keep your eyes open. There are many possibilities out there for you.
Clean Break, Move On. She left the R. You leave the M. That's what I did. Then you say, "STBX, you don't decide for me and I'm not moving." Man up. Protect yourself/children. Read other posts for those in similar circumstances. GAL (said in the nicest way possible) and get your self respect back.
What Chuck said. ^ Your wife is dreaming. If this is what she wants, time for her to put on the Big-Girl Panties. This isn't some cheesey Lifetime movie!!!
Yes, by all means, get some DB coaching or some good ICing. Learn to set boundaries, and to enforce them. Your kids need a hero right now, Gef, and unfortunately, that's not your wife. That means it's time for YOU to step up . . . and shine.
I am not crazy about the idea of sharing a bed that my ex (I guess in this case) wife would use with her current significant other. She heard this from one of her other seperated friends. Has anyone out there heard of this and could it work?
Get thee some self respect man!!!
How could you even entertain the mere thought of sleeping in the same bed that your wife and the OM would use? Tell her the bed is off limits and also that you won't be sharing your home with the OM. She can use her condo to conduct her affair, the home remains as is, untouched by this OM's presence. He is not allowed in your home. Stand up for yourself, it's required.
I have not agreed to anything. I just never heard of it and wanted to make sure that I covered the bases before I said NO. I am getting to the point where I am giving up on us as a couple and family. She talks to her OM daily by text and is always running away with the phone to the bathroom to respond to text messages. I am tired of trying to fix what probably can't be fixed and if we stayed together--having a life without trust. I have two kids and we would have to separate everything. Which is a lot after 16 years of marriage. It is that thought right now that keeps me going. I am just not sure how long. We have only been to one counseling session right now and although the first one was very positive, nothing has changed. The Counselor stated that I need to overlook her behavior for a while to give the counseling sessions a shot to see if they change anything. I am willing to try but this is testing me like I have never been tested before. I did love my wife and trusted her completely. I can't say that anymore. She has this fantasy were everything will be the same after our divorce except she will have a new man. She will be in for the hard truth soon. She does have a good job with a good income, but she will not be able to afford the lifestyle that she enjoys now, having the kids in all of their activities, her car (along with her payments), and all of the other expenses that come with running a home with kids. She has never paid the bills and has not expressed any interest in them. I don't think she realizes what she is doing or thinking about. In reading the other posts, I find it amazing in that she has said a lot of the same quotes that are contained on the posts. Some of my friends who have been divorced have said that their ex-wives came back when things didn’t work out as planned. I think she will realize that one day. Except I will NOT be there to take her back or even consider it. If we are done then we are done and I need to move on. I also don’t want the OM to raise my kids or have any influence on them. There is not much I can do at this point but wait out this process. So these are my choices--end it now and end the uncertainty and pain or wait on counseling and suffer a little (or a lot) longer. Just not sure which one to choose.
. . .She talks to her OM daily by text and is always running away with the phone to the bathroom to respond to text messages. . . . The Counselor stated that I need to overlook her behavior for a while to give the counseling sessions a shot to see if they change anything. . . .
Time to get a new counselor. Give one of the DB coaches a call. There's a BIG difference between "you can't control them" and "you have to put up with their crap behavior," and the diffrence is . . . BOUNDARIES.
No, you cannot force your wife to quit her affair. But you CAN insist, for example, that she doesn't call or text her OM from right in front of you, or even from your own marital home. That's a BOUNDARY.
I'd suggest switching from MCing to ICing, and get a good IC who can help you work on establishing (and enforcing) boundaries, and deal with everything you're having to deal with right now. MCing while she's in the midst of an affair is just a waste of time -- and money.
Like Pup and Virginia said, Gef.....there are an infinite number of options.
Call a DB coach. They are going to be worth more $$$ than your traditional counselor, who just wants to keep you in counseling. This is what the DB coaches do....and they have many years of experience. They know how to do this as quickly as possible, if you work WITH them.
If you take too hard of a line, you may slam the door shut....and if you just give in, you may lose your 'guy/self respect cards'.
I've seen a lot of Laurie's, Dottie's and Chuck's posts on the board, and have interacted with Laurie a lot. Why don't you search around the board.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
