Thanks for popping in LL and Abby. Well, this post is going to be a rant, so beware.
Why should I stay with this woman? I know, the kids, right? Yeah, well, I start thinking of the entire year that we had that is completely and totally tarnished by her infidelity. I start thinking about last Christmas and how that month was the first month of her infidelity. I start thinking about our snow boarding trip and how she was having an A then. I go on to our 10 year anniversary in April where we went away for a couple of days, and what a lie that was. I think of what we shared all through the last year and what complete lies they are. How many lies were there? Who knows, but too many to count. How many times was she completely disengenuous with me when we were together? Too many.
Everything has been tarnished. I literally get a picture in my head of her throwing our wedding rings in a small hole dug in the dirt, her squatting down and pissing on them. Isn't that nice? She pissed on our M too long and I'm tired of it. I don't really know if I can let things go. For the entire Year of Belligerence (I like to call it) I was completely dedicated to working on our M and our family...while she was banging some guy she met at a f$#%in' bar! Oh, she's sorry now. Oh, if she could change what she did she would. Great, what's done is done, Sweetcakes, and nothing is going to change the damage you did to US!
I start going down the path of forgiveness, and I know it will be better in a month, even more so in a year, and yet even more in five years. But, will it ever be right? The pain will always exist. The A will have always have been. The thoughts will always be in my mind...although they will dimish more over time. I don't feel like she deserves the new jethro. I feel like I want to find someone that has the same values that I have.
I know this isn't healthy. I know I'm ranting. I know I might feel better in two hours, but I've felt this way since last night. I won't tell her these things, as I know it only hurts the situation. I also know that it's MY pain that I have to deal with...a pain SHE decided to inflict!
I have not seen her since yesterday morning because I took my kids to see my sister and she went to a girl's night at my sister's last night. We're supposed to go to church together this morning, but frankly, I don't really feel like seeing her. I don't really feel like being nice to her. I'm tired of having to be Mr. Nice Guy. I want to rage at her! I know, know...it does no good for me and it does no good for her.
I don't know if I can do this guys...I just don't. And please, don't send the URL on "Forgiveness is a Gift We Give Ourselves." I'm tired, in a lot of pain, and extremely sad. THANK GOD I have you guys!
So now, I have to buck up and act likes nothing's bothering me. "Oh, so nice to see you W. Did you have a great time?" Good!"
jethro
Ohhh...just got a call from my W. She just woke up and won't be joining us at church. Good. I'm glad partying and drinking were more of a priority.
jethro, everything you are feeling is normal. it is excellent that you come here and rant. i don't think forgiveness happens all at once, at least not for me. my h stopped his a 11 monthes ago, and there are still days i look at him in disgust. even though he has really been working on himself and us since he ended it.
i think back to all the lies and stuff we did together(buying a house!) while he was having his first a and it seems like i wasted so much love and time on this guy. but loving someone is never a waste.
your w probably finds it easier to focus on you and your positive changes. she may feel a lot of shame and is not able to be comfortable in her skin.
don't be too hard on yourself if you can not forgive just yet... i am still working on it. it is a process for me. and yes it seems so unfair that we have to swollow our pain and be little happy pants people all the time, but it is only when we are not giving them anything to react against that they can reflect on themselves. yes it sucks. you will be ok. if you are staying for the children at the moment, then accept it, make it as positive an experience as it can be and maybe your feelings will change. thank God feelings change, right! lisa
Quote: She is a (breast) cancer survivor (a number of years ago), but it recently turned up in her thyroid. So, the operation was to remove the thyroid. They are running further tests (results Monday) to see if it has spread. Dear God, I hope not. She's a single mom for my nephew (9). We have already had that "if anything happens" talk. Ugh! I'd appreciate you guys saying a prayer for her if you don't mind. She's had some difficult years... Thanks.
First of all your sis and nephew are in my prayers. I pray that the tests results come back showing no more signs of the cancer.
Second, you are in my prayers as well. Like many said forgiveness doesn't happen overnight just like the renewing of your M doesn't either. It all takes time, patience and being faithful in prayer.
The roller coaster sucks - I know. Just remember your at a low point - look up.
Quote: Great, what's done is done, Sweetcakes, and nothing is going to change the damage you did to US!
Let it all out here. We understand.
Quote: But, will it ever be right? The pain will always exist. The A will have always have been. The thoughts will always be in my mind...although they will dimish more over time.
I think you answered your own question. Your right this is really on her. She is the one that will live w/regret the rest of her life. Until she figures out how to do this she will continue as she is.
Quote: I don't feel like she deserves the new jethro. I feel like I want to find someone that has the same values that I have.
I have thought the same thing. But then I think of the kids and the step parent thing.
I feel like your putting a lot of pressure on yourself to forgive. You cant do that. In fact just go day to day and work on living. Pray for God to help you in the process - but realize it could take months. I know you dont want to hear this but it probably took me 6 months after the EA to get past it and to be in the same room as this woman w/o killing her.
Quote: I'm tired, in a lot of pain, and extremely sad. THANK GOD I have you guys!
We always be here. And dont you forget it. I wish I could do more. No matter how this stitch ends for you just remember you want to be able to look back w/o regret and know that you are doing what is good for you and your kids. Until then ....well ....hang in there.Abby
Man was that a rant or what? I feel exactly the same way most of the time. Sometimes I just have this F**k You attitude toward W. Got to let it out and hope that these thoughts fade as time goes on. Man I hope they do, because if they dont, I am going to do something horrible. OM will feel the wrath if you know what I mean. He knew my W was married and still.........
I have to stop, I am getting angry.
Hang in there jethro, your gonna make it.
Oh, btw, I sent you some pics.
FLoyd The grass is always GREENER over the septic tank.
I must say that I totally understand how you feel!!! totaly. while I was preg with our second child shortly after moving into our first real home (we built it!!! well not us but it was built for us) me while entertaining his family at our home all summer while big and pregnant him playing horshoes in the yard etc. the occasional (and I do mean occasional) trip down the trail in our back yard with son (yeah big prego me wabbling along a woody trail for qt with my family) to throw rocks in the pond, giving birth to my dd, going apple picking as a family the day before dd's christening it all meant NOTHING!!! well maybe it meant nothing or maybe ow or in your case om really meant nothing (they were filling some void we didn't know existed in our s) and that is why they were still with us.
the pain cannot be erased cannot be forgotten it will creap up from time to time it but we have a choice as to what we want to do with it. We can deal with it or we can run from it. I think in both our cases jethro the a's our s's had were not out of blatant disrepspect for us or to hurt us or from some mental blockage that made them do it. they were in pain can we relate to that pain?? I don't know. can they relate to our pain?? I don't know. but I think it is something we must face. you can only keep these feelings inside for so long jethro, no you cannot throw them at w when ever they come to you, but it is important to let her know you are hurting. think about it are you angry or are you angry because you hurt .
we can get through this jethro the alternative is far more painful for everyone not just the kids. trust me on that, I am the child of a d and not only does it effect me but I get to see and hear the effects it still (5+ years later) has on my parents.
sometimes I feel like quiting too, like it would just be easier to run away from this pain "they" have caused, but I know that pain will never go away unless I give it a chance to heal.
Hey, I feel your pain and anger...I kinda vented on my own thread...h took off his ring...is this someone who sayd he wants to work on m???don't know anymore...am going to try and settle down and start to foccus on me...
Take deep breaths, Jethro, look at the positive steps you have made...there are bound to be bad days...how can it all just go away...forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves, doesn't mean we will forget, just being at peace with our feelings.You have made it through some very rough times and have come out strong...stay strong, take each day as it comes...and of course come here to VENT!! Sue
That pain and anger has a way of just creeping up and biting you on the bum when you least need it. As if we need to be reminded of all the crap that happened.
Maybe this is all natural effects and processes of the results of what happened.
I can understand and relate to your frustrations and I am really hoping that a better day will be with you soon.
Hope your sister is making good progress.
Wrap your arms around you, look in the mirror and smile at the person you are - a good one with good beliefs.
I know that this probably sounds like a bunch of crap, but it might be something to keep in mind, and to give a try sometime.
Let your actions guide your feelings. Don't let your feelings guide your actions.
What does this mean? It means that during those times when you're beginning to "not feeling loving" towards her, do a loving action.
Do something loving towards her. Go up and give her a tight, honest hug. Get her a cup of coffee. DO something that will help to diffuse those "un-loving" thoughts.
Do it quickly, at the beginning of your un-loving feelings. It might not take them all away, and it might not work all of the time, but it CAN work.
It feels mighty uncomfortable, and mighty unnatural, but it might work to help to take you closer to your goals.
Just a thought, but DO keep it in mind.
Again,
Let your actions guide your feelings. Don't let your feelings guide your actions.
JJ
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