Need help. My wife moved about about 6 weeks ago to her moms house. We have 3 children (11,6,4). We have been togther for 10 years and married for 8. I am 33 she is 29. I will try and give as much detail and be as truthful as possible. My wife started a affair with a guy who use to work with her. She talked to him on the phone for two weeks. She went to his house and using her terms one thing lead to another and they got too close. They started to have sex, she said it was for about 20 seconds, she stopped got up and dressed and left. 3 days later she meet the guy in a parking lot near her work and said it was a mistake and not to call her again. She told me this a week later and she move out a week after she told me. She went 1 week with no contact and then she started to talk to him again. But this time it was a emotional affair with no contact. They talked and texted alot in two weeks. I found out by it with phone records and confronted her and also left him a message on his voice mail. I told her she had to end the affair in the next day or I would near speak to her again. She copied me on some text to where to sent to him. This was done about 3 days before we started counseling. We have had only 4 sessions to date. When I confronted her about the phones records she changed all of her passwords to voicemail, FB, and cell phones records. The day before conseling she changed the all back and has accounted for her whereabouts at all times. I am 99.9 % sure that the affair is over. It has been completly over for 3 weeks to date.
Before the affair for a few years I had a anger problem. I hate a hard time controlling my mouth. I would criticize a lot. I guess I was contolling. It wasnt done with malice but it was not how a husband should treat a wife. Needless to say I was shocked by my wifes affair, becuase the woman I know was always against that and not that kind of person. She was really a loving wife and great mom. She was a SAHM for most of the time. She took a job at a huge retail store about 2 years ago and has worked her way into managment. She worked a year on 3rd and then 12-9pm for a year,. Thats what she is working now. In the 2 years our problems have really taken off. There was zero quality time. Pretty much she slept until she wnet in and came home and did some chores and laid around until bed. She started sleeping on the couch about the last 5 months. She dies have back issues but I didnt know she was getting distant. Of course when I seen it, I realized and started to reach out but my advances were stone walled. So this went on until the aboved happened.
When I found out the affiar I went to a lawyer the next day. Something hit me in the office and I decided to try and safe the marriage. I think this susprised her. I talked her into a seperation. At this time she was still having a EA on the phone and I didnt know. She said she wanted time to think but she was really on the phone all the time until it was stopped.
So since the 3 weeks since she ended, I have pressured inbetween office visits. My counseling keeps telling me to stop. She has committed to saving the marriage and giving it as long as it needed, but then said she pulled the committment back, then gave it again to only pull it back 2 days ago. The C said I need to stop asking for a commitment and when she wants to give one she will give one, and he also told her to be truthful and have yes mean yes and no mean no.
In summary of our 4 visits basically he has tried to gain her trust and she was not big on counslers but likes this C. They say thats a huge plus. He has been doing it for 35 years and sewars by his method. My issues in the four sessions is, patience, stop trying to control the process, dont say the 1st thing that pops in my head, say the second, do not pressure, he said if I dont pressure our chances go way up, watching mu mouth and yelling. I have not yelled or said a hurtful thing in 6 weeks. I know thats not much but its a start. Her focus so far has been telling me how we got here, honesty, openness in life. We has a 20min convo with our C via phone last night a day after she pulled the commitment as I call it. She said she didnt know why, but she sounded depressed. She said she is frustrated as hell and her life is falling apart and she is at the end of her rope. Again she has said this beofre only to say she will continue to fight but she sounds a little more down. In these last 3 weeks she has spent a tim of time over here. We stayed a week for summer vaction at the beach 2 weeks ago. I forgot durning the last 7 weeks her rings came off and she refuses to say " I love you". But when asked by people if she loves me she says yes, but not like she use too.
She refuses to move back in so we can work on building the "love" back, I know you cant do that apart. I asked what it would take for her to move back and still work on it she said she has to feel more for me than she does right now. My counsler told me to bring a calendar to the next visit so we can put some dates down. Im not sure how thats going to go. I know I got to get her back home to have a good chance at this. She said she is lost and confused. When she moved out she wanted divorce 100% and said there we no chance.
This situation is crazy. Sorry to be long winded but I want the best advice I can get. Durning our call with the C last night he said for a apt on the 5th, she is to make a list of things she wants, I guess he is trying to see what her intentions are. My homework is to not controll the process and ask for commitments on anything.
***since yesterday ****
Things went south today, she seems more fustrated and mad and said today she is 99% sure she wants a divorce. She said all the talking the last few days has pushed her futher away. I have set up a apt with a pastor I knew when I was younger tomorrow at 430pm. Im not sure how much that will help. We are believers but have not been too chruch in a long time. I think if I could get her to slow down and clear her head we could have a chance.
Sorry you find yourself here. Start w/this. This was posted to me early in my sitch, and it was quite helpful.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Keep us posted as much as you can. It'll help to clear your mind, and you'll get some excellent advice to boot.
Some of the advice posted by Vulcanized may seem counter intuitive to what your heart wants to do, but there's really a method to this madness. It may not save your marriage, but it'll save your sanity.
Thanks for the info. Good advice, Ive been doing alot of things wrong on that list. I hope that hasnt made this thing to late. We talked on the phone last night for an hour and a half. I have not been able to keep her talking for that way in awhile. While it might sound like a good thing, it was all negative on her end. Unfortunately, she is in a mental place right now to where she views our whole 10 years together as negative. She actually brought up some things that happen 9 years ago before we got married. Why she finally acknowledged the good times she said the bad times is what she remembers and hurts from the most. She said she is just tried of “carrying” the relationship and she is worn out. Said she is 30 and feels 70. She said I should have had this “transformation” years ago. She talks about hurting for ten years and said that she has only hurt me the past year. She said shes been hurting a lot longer. She said “you just starting getting some of what Im going through and your already dying”. She said every man in her life has hurt her. Her dad, step dad, her 1st husband and now me. I basically just said the same things I have always said. I told her to try and look at the good, try and let the emotions and anger and frustration cool down some and then take a look at the 3 kids and see if that allows you to hold off on your decision to give up. She said she is not giving me an answer. I replied that’s ok at least it wasn’t “no”. I asked if she was keeping our Counseling apt on the 5th, she said as of right now yes. Before that I asked if she was still keeping true to going to counseling for 6 months, she said I don’t know. She is just very angry. She said again “ I love you but I’m not in love with you”. She said our counselor said he can show us how to fall in love again but I don’t believe him. She also said when I talk about the kids that pisses her off, because she takes it as I’m saying she doesn’t care about them or she is a bad mom. She said she was trying a few days ago but in the last few days it just hit her to quit, she said with all the talking it just pushed her over the edge and she is just tried of it. All the talking started when she said she was waffling on trying. Of course I panicked and try to control the process and start talking all the time. I see that now. I just prayed about it last night and turned it over to God. I guess my plan is to step back, not talk about it and give her space. That’s really hard. We are going to see a pastor today that I knew in my youth. She is not ready for church but I hope he can say something to just make things slow down. I asked him to speak a little about forgiveness. That’s something that she can’t do and it has got to happen at some point if we have a chance. I just want him to tell us something encouraging and just make divorce the last option. Unfortunately, her mom who she lives with believes that divorce is not a bad thing. Of course she has been divorced for 25 years and every relationship she has is awful. So my wife is not getting any positive advice. If anyone has got any more tips I would appreciate it.
She's feeling guilty, confused, wants to escape, wants to avoid anything that involves working on the R. Classic, classic WAS. She's addicted to her infidelity, the high she got when she was around the OM. Withdrawal is kicking in, and I'm sure the OM isn't helping matters.
You need to define clear, crystal clear boundaries, and implement a real transparency plan to make sure that the affair is done, and stays done.
Thanks. I am 100% sure that it is done. I know. Thats whats got me worried, she was coming out of the "fog" until the other day? Im concerned that its over and shes still not really wanting to save the marriage as of now. She was but has waffeled. She seems confused, fustrated, but seems to trying to be more hard line in the last 2 days. She is just mad as hell right now with me.
How do you know it's done? She's out of your house, living with your MIL? She could be using her mother's phone, he could be meeting her there, a million things.
I really dont think she is upset about that. She was leaving in her mind before hand. I hate the fact that when she got quite for 8 months I thought we were a little better, when she left I felt "shocked". I ask why didnt you come to me before hand so we could get into counseling 8 months ago and her reply was " I shouldnt of had to, you should of seen it". She is not the kind of person that shares a lot. It has help get us in this spot just as much as my faults. Im not sure really what to do next.
How do you know it's done? She's out of your house, living with your MIL? She could be using her mother's phone, he could be meeting her there, a million things.
She has spent every min almost with me when she is off. There is one phone in that house which is her cell. She calls when she gets off, comes str8 over, until she leaves. We split the kids 50/50, so I am 99.9% its not going on. I have done tons of investigating. I wouldnt be trying if I knew it wasnt.
