Honestly, I do not know where to begin exactly. I have been with my wife for nearly 17 years. Overall, from a marriage standpoint we do this well together. The problem is my wife believes she is someone who follows the lifestyle choice of polyamory. Which is wonderful, for her, the problem is that I am not. Needless to say its causes a fair bit of heartache for me. She did not start "poly" but rather decided a few years into the relationship that was who she was.
For some background here, this stared about 12 years ago after we seperated just after our youngest was born. WE got back together after about six months but she has never forgiven me for that.
My plan of action due to my guilt was to essentially let her have what she wanted while we put things back together.
That has proven to be a mistake, because what she wanted was to be poly. SO for 12 years she has had a series of lovers. Which was all well and good. But the thing is she she fell in love with one of them and almost ended our marriage about 8 years ago. It took a lot of work on her part to set things right. But there was always the insistence that she wanted to be poly. Overall, I was okay with it as long as she didnt affect my marriage.
Fast forward to now. She started seeing her best friend's husband about 6 years ago. It was all fine and dandy. I was able to construct some pretty solid boundaries so I wouldnt be put in the position I had been with her other boyfriend.
Well you know how this song played out. She fell in love with him. Her sitution changed about two years ago. She becamse horribly depressed with her job and life in general and he (the boyfriend) was the only thing that made her happy. I was suppose to sit back and watch her desire him while her desire for me fell off. So I found myself in the exact position I had been in before. And each time I would tell her hey you need to stop she would insist I agreed to all this. Clearly my consent wasnt informed, but that didnt matter.
After months of fighting, she finally ended things with him about 30 days ago. But things between us are badly strained and that is something she promised me would happen. And she is nothing if not honest.
She now says she intends mourn him for as long as she wants, which is fair I guess since she was with him for six years, but the thing is IM not really patient since I have been putting up with this for a long long time. And I dont know how to go about being "more patient". I know I push and I need to back off and let things play out, but IM unsure how.
She also insists that we arent going to divorce but that there will be no romantic intimacy between us for the future and she cant predict if it will ever come back.
That is killing me. So, I am being told that we can stay married, but under her terms completely. She doles out the affection at her whim, and if she wakes up feeling crappy about the other man then thats what she is going to go with. She completely blames me for not letting her be who she is (poly) and is really flexing her muscles here. And I am stupid because Im like a puppy waiting for the table scraps when she decides to dole them out.
To me, I tried to do this with her for six years, gave my very best, but watching my wife go ga ga for someone else while telling me that the fire had faded between us ultimately proved to be too much for me and I but the kabosh on her relationship. I recognize my responsibilty for allowing it and putting it to the end, but I did work very hard at trying to do this for her. And My reward for all my work and dedication is being put in the penalty box.
Its something I have been fighting but each time I try to break out of it I get slapped down and all my mistakes from 17 years are thrown at me. I do not know how to even fight this. I brought up divorce the last time or two and IM pretty serious about it. But it is the last thing I want to do. Id like the opportunity to bring my marriage back from the brink. But I cant do that alone and you cant change people.
The thing is, to a person all the people in my life tell me I need to leave her. But I have a family that I need to consider and while I think she is pretty emotionally abusive leaving isnt an option at the moment. We all know how that song goes. Its easy to say and impossible to do. I would like to try to fix this, try every option that is out there before I am willing to look at divorce. SHe has stated repeatedly that she is willing to stay married, just on her terms (no intimacy) now she tells me during her lucid moments that it will come back, but sex has always been an anchor around our marriage (when we met she was the most sexual person I ever knew and it was easy to be with her) because her drive "for me" has really tapered off through the years some of it was due to me but mostly it was due to whatever she was into.
Other problems here is she refuses out right to do the therapy thing. SHe has had some seriously bad experiences with it so I can somewhat see it from her point of view. But, since she isnt listening to me, isnt listening to friends Im starting to get the idea that the only thing she will listen to is me leaving and by then it will be too late.
Im fairly certain that I am handling this completely wrong in every way. I run myself ragged keeping up with all the housework (because she was feeling overwhelmed last year so I took over everything) and now I have this angry woman who isnt doing much more then coming home looking at dinner and going to her room to be depressed.
She does watch tv with me here and there and talk to me sometimes but mostly she hides out mournng her departed boyfriend who she insists she loves more then anything (certainly then me). I keep telling her to go be with him, if you want him that badly I dont want you to be here, but see, she cant be with him because he isnt going to leave his wife (her former best friend) so Im her soft landing pad.
Needless to say, I could use a bit of help in handling this situations.
Once again I do not want to end my marriage, so please let's leave that alone for the moment. I know that is likely going to happen, but I need to exhaust every option before I get there.
It is something she truly believes she is. She says she is the happiest when she is with both of us (seperatedly). The thing is, she wants unfettered freedom to pursue this. ANd I have said no. And thats how we got to where we are. You cant change people, and Im not trying to. Im just trying to figure out how I can live with this person as things stand now.
Im just trying to figure out how I can live with this person as things stand now.
It's not possible that's why you can't figure it out. Will you ever feel loved or be happy if she is with another man?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Agree with Robx. Let her go. If this is not who you are, in good conscience, then you have no other choice.
Puppy
The thing is, if I can just shut up and not try to smooth this over she doesnt want to divorce.
Its my actions right now in trying to rekindle our romance is causing the chaos. She has givn up the boyfriend and says she will do the monogamy thing, but her need to grieve and mourn that relationship is putting an anchor on ours.
Each way I have approached this (I have tried standing back, confrontation, talking, waiting for her to approach me) ends up with her retaining solid control of what is going on.
I get her need to grieve and am trying to stay out of the way for that. But I need to re engage our relationship at some point. I think that is fair. But she really truly believes she is poly and had a long term emotional relationship with him.
Again, I know everyone is going to say dump her. I already get that message, but I came here hoping for someone to give me some tips in how to hang in there and see if this terrible storm will pass.
Dumping her, easy. Staying...hardest thing in my life.
