I want to be part of the group...

[Jstar]

I feel a little left out and do something my professional always does; reflect upon yourself. so i've been thinking and reflecting. i've been posting on and off since nov 09. in the beginning I got some advice but pretty much has dwindled to sparse. old posts (here we go again - here we go again 2 - i could not take it anymore.

i've been riding this roller coaster with h for about 4 years, 3 pregnancies, 2 births, both parents passing away, all after 3 months of meeting h.

i know i need some help and i have an ic set up for this week, seriously have child care issues to make it. the whole sitch has effected every part of my life, at times i can hide it well others not and completely loose it.

i have read both dr and db books and all the numerous posts on here and all the great advice given to others.

with my reflecting, i just feel that i could be one of those dbers that has not embraced the methods or have, not 100% sure.

major conflicts that h and have had is me nagging him of his messed up priorities, trust, trust, trust,mil conflicts,not telling the truth, being emotionally unavailable, not being lawful, treating marriage/family like a revolving door. atleast these are my issues-some of them.

what he would say, i'm mean, i died, meaning all the life went out of me., i'm crazy, throw hissy fits, don't know how to be a wife,admitts he does not respect me and now throwing the i don't love you anymore

to some extent he is correct. i blame him for so many things, make things harder on him, then he retaliates and i up the ante. it has been our cycle for as long as i can remember. i want to stop the cycle. in which i am struggling to not fall into the arguements

i want to fight for my marriage, feel most of the time i should not, and i do not have it in me to file for d, i don't want to...

obviously what i've been doing has not been working and i'm goign down cheeseless tunnels.

example, sent boundaries to h beginning of month, his reaction cut off any and all money support help.

start the change with me
do some 180's

[Number 8]

Jstar, I can identify with part of your situation and how difficult it makes married life. I lost my mother suddenly after my H and I had been married a little more than a year. It really did a number on our relationship, and it built over several years.

I have to run out and do a few errands (at the bidding of my father, of course), but I'll come back and write more.

Hang in there. Thinking of you.

[LRT Land]

Jstar - in some ways your H sounds similar to mine. I think a lot of men find it difficult to connect emotionally. I have found with my H that when he is feeling too close he drives me away. It is a difficult line to walk to be detached but kind.

I have reached the conclusion that I want to be the best mate I can be as an example to my DD and also for my own self-respect. My H would accuse me of similar things your H says about you.

Do the 180s so you can respect yourself and to keep things at a better place in your relationship. Don't do them to try and win him back. I've been here a short time but have learned much. Go read the quotes that are posted - I think there are 3 threads of them. It helps to get your brain around what is going on.

Don't think too much about what H is thinking/feeling b/c chances are he doesn't know himself. Live your life in a way that YOU want to live it and can look in the mirror and say "this is who I am" (and not that crazy lady that was a reaction to my messed up M).

Are you getting out at all with friends or hobbies? Can you appreciate the good things you do have in your life?

Hope some of this helps in some way. Some threads are quieter than others - mine is not particularly active - but even reading other threads does help. You are not alone.

[Jstar]

num 8 and LRTland- thank you for posting:

for the past week i have been asking my everyone at work if theyknow anyone who watches kids near my work-i'm without a car. i return to work next week.

i joined some meet up groups but with no car taking the bus with 2 under 3 it's challenging

my life is nothing but kids

we've been seperated for 9 months, during that time gone back and forth, have a good day here there, then weeks sometimes months will go by and no contact.

i argue with myself about having him take the kids-how much should i let slide to allow him this? What i mean is he has no car insurance, no car seats(he could use mine)witholding$.

num 8 and lrt land- where are your sitchs now?

i am completely there in the not being able to detach and be kind. kids and me have been on our own pretty much all the time for 4 years, there are times when he's lived with us, but i don't believe completely.

i know that all the losses i have had greatly effected our relationship, that's pretty much when he said i died. don't get me wrong, i have fun with my kids and when h and i talk it just does not well.

for three days ive let him know he can visit with the kids- take them for a little bit but he has yet to. it's so confusing because he says i'm denying them to him, then i offer times for him to visit and he does not do it.

i do think he is confused probably just like me and neither of us have been able to file for divorce...yet

last week he was telling me yeah go lease a car, we will make a budget so he can pay for it and this week it's no $ honey

[LSG]

JStar,

Let his actions speak for him, not his words. Do not believe a word that he says right now. It is just words from him.

Keep positive for yourself and the kids.

You will be okay!

[Jstar]

his actions are doing nothing, not helping, nothing nothing nothing.

i thought he would take a baby step one of teh three days to see the kids. but not.

[Coach]

i thought he would take a baby step one of teh three days to see the kids. but not.

Then come up with a plan for him to have the kids.

[Jstar]

i'm trying hard, especially to trust him with the kids. i feel like all he wants to do is pick them up take them to his moms and drop them off. why do i say that, that is all he has done in the past.

[DanF]

Do the 180s so you can respect yourself and to keep things at a better place in your relationship. Don't do them to try and win him back. I've been here a short time but have learned much. Go read the quotes that are posted - I think there are 3 threads of them. It helps to get your brain around what is going on.

Don't think too much about what H is thinking/feeling b/c chances are he doesn't know himself. Live your life in a way that YOU want to live it and can look in the mirror and say "this is who I am" (and not that crazy lady that was a reaction to my messed up M).

Are you getting out at all with friends or hobbies? Can you appreciate the good things you do have in your life?

I agree with this ^

Your sitch sounds like quite a challenge, but what LRT says is what you have to do. Forget about H right now and live the life that you want and can. Focus on building your skills and being the best parent you can. Just do your best to take care of yourself and your kids for the moment.

Sorry I don't have more sage advice. I'm still pretty new at this myself.

Good luck.

[Jstar]

that's the hurdle i have not been able to do. to do the things for me not h or getting him back.

my hobbies were hiking weight lifting and dancing, at this time i do not feel i can accomplish these things. me and kids dance at home, i have a tread mill, i'm so consumed with finding childcare so i can go back to work, us riding the bust 12 miles a day, getting home so late after work, etc.

me and kids will jog and get water in our two kido jogger, but that's pretty much it. my job is consuming when i return to work next week., i feel like i'm no i know i'm just trying to survive.

i appreciate any advice, that comes my way.

i will figure out more ways to gal-with kids etc.