Heavy EA and Withdrawal

[doing my best]

OK....I am over in Newcomers with http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;page=1]my sich but I wanted to throw this out to you guys over here.

With a heavy EA....the one my W was in with her old BF/Fiance from college...the guy she was supposed to marry until he walked away from her 22 years ago. The guy she says she has always had feelings for but recently stirred after reconnecting on FB....3000 text messages and 40 hours of phone calls, and untold emails. He is married with 3 kids and lives 1000 miles away. Contact as far as I can tell with heavy Intel was cut off May 28, 2010. However, it still seems she is being influenced by thoughts of him. Last week found a fantasy brainstorming exercise where she laid out what a possible life with him may be like in 10 years. She at times has told me she HOPES she can get over the feelings for him. She does not like it when I bring him up....I fixate...and she tells me she is trying to forget him yet I keep bringing him up.

I found her original notes to herself saying that contact with him for the 2 months made her feel alive, happy, excited, etc. She wrote that she understood why she had to cut it off but still does not think it is fair to her when she finally was "happy".

We have not made much progress although my actions, behaviors, habits have changed. The atmosphere in the house is much better and I am becoming the person who W originally fell in love with. Yet she has moved further away from me.

As far as I can tell the EA was mainly one-sided on HER end....although I am sure he loved the attention. She was very loving to me for many years and even several months ago. Now....very friendly...but nothing.

So...in a heavy "I am in love EA" if she has truly cut off communication, is there a chance that her feelings can continue so strongly for so long. Could she have anger directed to me for ending the EA. Could that be hindering our progress?

Any insight? Active fantasies that she still writes out? What have you guys seen out there for a WS that may still want to end the marriage even though the EA is over.

DMB

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What have you guys seen out there for a WS that may still want to end the marriage even though the EA is over.

DMB

Absolutely, this is how she will still feel, until she is thru her withdrawal period. "Hard withdrawal" -- near-depressive state, staying in bed, not wanting to eat, wild mood swings, etc., etc. -- usually lasts from 2-4 weeks, and then complete withdrawal will take anywhere from 6-24 months, depending on how deep her emotional connection with him was. From your description, I'd say she's going to be on the long end of this, and this is IF there is no futher contact with him. Just gazing at his FB page, for instance, sets her withdrawal "clock" back to damned near 0:00:00 each time.

Sorry; wish I had better news for you, but there ARE those who have navigated their way thru this, and come out strongly reconciled on the other end. You may want to look up Hope4Us' old threads for a great example.

Puppy

[g450]

OMG DMB!!!

This was almost my exact situation and it ended in her divorcing me.

Reading your thread has brought back some of those ugly memories.

It was her HS sweetheart from 36 years ago. He ditched her after gruaduation and she never got over it apparently. Found him via either facebook or classmates.com. Started marathon texting, hours of phone calls from her bunker bedroom.

He is also three states over and is married and has 5 kids. I actually did email him once and asked him how long this was going on and he played "dumb" with me and said they were just friends. Well she was sending him love poems so what kind of friend is that?

I did not know about any of this until two months after the divorce. She has alwas been a marathon phone person and I thought she was talking to girlfriends etc. I was naive.

I can guarantee that my XW is still talking to him and keeping her romance affair alive. And as long as he does not get bored with her she will stay in her little fantasy world indefinetely.
Not sure if there was a PA either pre or post divorce but the possiblity was and still is always there. Makes me sick to think about it. They both come off as being these two loving christian types.

And sadly, even if she (and your wife) were to realize this destructive "romantic" EA for what it is, they will most likely be to proud and stubborn to admit it after the damage is done. In my XW's case she has pretty much burned so many bridges that she may not be able to come back even if she wanted to.

This is why I also regret burning some bridges after I found out. But in the end I guess it does not matter. Hope for reconciliation is all but gone now and I am taking her advice to me to heart. "You need to move on" she said. And Im doing just that. Sometimes you have to admit to yourself that YOU deserve better than this.

[Allen A]

DMB... your wife and you have to ERASE his memory frrom teh household.

If she is keeping old emails of his, gifts he may have sent,etc toss them out.

Monitor her internet activity so she keeps that to a minimum and does NOT go ANYWHERE that the two of them frequent. Any websites they "hid out at" online she has to steer clear from. Get on your network and monitor her activity.

I am giong to suggest for NOW that you ask questions here and give her time to get past withdrawal. Harassing her overmuch with questions that aren't necessary just brings him back into the forefront of her brain again...

Get her doing otehr logical things to get into her left brain...

Shut down facebook.. It is listed as THE MOST HIGHLY USED SOFTWARE PRODUCT to practice infidelity with...

I have seen about half dozen affairs that started with facebook on this fourm in the last few months alone...

Hundreds of affairs are launched by that damn website...

Shut her DOWN

Did she AND YOU send him a no contact letter insisting that he remove all memory of her from his computer and you BOTH SIGN at the bottom?

[Allen A]

Replace the entire computer if you can... Anything they talked with or shared...

Did she change her email address? Cell phone number?

Change it... Change is how she makes progress here.. if she hasn't changed anything she isn't going to get past this...

This is still high risk... People who end affairs but struggle with the withdrawal have this pesky habit of getting the idea that because they can't easily forget about their OP that they are "meant to be" and they run off togehter ...

She has to put up LOTS of WALLS to shut this guy OUT

If she hasn't done that then she's got a much stronger chance of relapse

[doing my best]

AllenA....

I have monitored her activity to the most that I can. cannot get her work phone calls or emails but I HAVE installed ways to check internet activities. She has given me all passwords and so as far as I can see, the old ways of communication are gone. Everything has been erased and he is blocked on FB.

When I have brought him up in the past she would get mad at me and say she is trying to not think of him but I keep bringing it up. So I decided to not say anything again. Then last Sunday I discovered a brainstorming exercise where she scripted out the perfect life with him. It was some sort of fantasy projection based on the life and honeymoon they had discussed in college. She said it was a way for her to purge her thoughts???? Really????

The EA started because I was not meeting her emotional needs at all. However, now she will not let me even though I want to. I do provide loving actions and try to act as if. She does act as if too....but there is no affection or emotional connection. I believe she is still spending emotional energy here and the therapist believes that she is not "coming clean" and that the OM might still be in the picture either real or imagined.

On the way up here to XXXX for the family vacation we are visiting her side of the family. We did start to have a R discussion and I said something about "there must be something else going on here". She then started to talk about old BF and how when she was in contact with him for the 2 months she wanted to discover what happened because he abandoned her. Then she starts bawling and saying she felt so abandoned.

So we cut it at that because kids in back of minivan. But this did confirm for me that these feelings are still in play AND that is why I started this thread.

I am thinking of approaching her and trying to get her to open up tomorrow night. I want to lay out that I can be a friend to her and let her know that if she just wants to unload once and for all I will be non-judgmental, compassionate, and caring. She has no other close friends to share this with and maybe....just maybe if I can go deep with her....deeper than ever before, she will open up to me and maybe we can get this demon moving out in the right direction. I just hope it does not end up in another session of denial....but my approach this time will be as a best friend and someone who has deep feelings for her.....not as the jealous betrayed husband.

DMB

[doing my best]

From my post on Newcomers which might add to this discussion to see W's mindset. This email she sent to me was 2 months ago. Since that point all of the external issues and problems with me have been changed and I have made amazing progress. Even the kids notice the atmosphere in the house and think we are back in love. Yet....she cannot or will not touch me or show any slight affection. She has said that she feels like she has moved further away from me after sending this emial. So that is why I am trying to understand withdrawal.

Just so everything is clear with timeline. W says she hit rock bottom with our M in Fall of 2009....Oct/Nov. OM did not show up on FB until early March. Their first contact happened late March and continued until May 25. I actually saw the first email later as she had failed to delete it. He is unhapplily married with 3 kids and lives 1000 miles away. She did go near his hometown on a trip and she mentions something below. He actually is physically abused by wife. Apparently they have their issues. As a fun note....here is the email she sent me the day after first MC and discovery:

************

Dear XXX (Me)

Thank you for your spilling you feelings out via the letters. I believe that you will try more than ever with our relationship; I’m just sorry that it had to get to this point.

I am so sorry about the added pain of my communication with XXX (OM). It just felt so good to have someone listen to me, ask for help and listen to my suggestions, make me laugh and he happened to come into my life when I needed it most. It was so easy to share with him because he knew me and was feeling pain like I was. I never meant it to get “out of control” but the phone calls and texting were too much and I apologize from the bottom of my heart. As I mentioned earlier, I did want to meet him for lunch…I wanted to see him after all these years. But now is not the time when I’m the most vulnerable…I just didn’t see me in this way.

I know you want to listen to me and make me feel special. I also know you can make me laugh. I just need this from you in a reciprocal manner; two way dialogue; a continuous discussion or joking back and forth…by being in the moment I believe these things can happen.

I feel like you have forgotten who I am. Let me reintroduce myself…

I love to smile and get one back and I love to love. I also have wonderful ideas that when put into motion can create some amazing things…I just don’t get to share those with you. I have my own opinions that make me who I am and sometimes they come from my soul and may not seem justified from an ego point of view. I like to be in the moment, be connected, as to not miss a single minute; there is less stress that way and it paves the way for magical times to happen. I also love to give, help, and support…that is who I am and I feel that I am there for anyone on this earth that asks or is in great need; when you give you get back 10x more! I believe that all people are good and that many times God gives us challenges and either we end up a better person for it or our soul quietly waits for another opportunity. Quietly is not always the best way…sometimes vulnerability can be good for it allows your spirit to speak its passion. It’s ok to share your feelings, XXXX (me)!

I want you to know that I am committed to working on our relationship. I do not want this to jeopardize our healing in anyway. Please trust in me that my communication has ceased, in all forms, with XXXX (OM). I didn’t mean to hurt you!!!!!

I don’t want another restless night like last night. Please forgive me.

Love,
XXXX

*********

After this email I became very insecure and whiny/beggy/ILY man. I believe things went from bad to worse in those 3-4 weeks as we rehashed the past and laid everything out on the table as much as we could. I then ran into this site....got the DR and DB books....and changed my entire approach. It has now been only 3 weeks with me trying to implement DB techniques and mindset.

DMB