My S and I have been sitting here watching a stupid movie tonight - something we would have done as a family. I can't help but believe that these moments - the ones that never cost anything - just plain, old stupid fun will be missed by H. Someday ~ I know we had a good thing! He will miss it someday. In the mean time - I am BLESSED to not lose these moments with my S.
Lin - thanks so much for continuing to stay in contact!!! I need it!!!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Last night as I sat alone watching TV, I looked over at the recliner next to mine and imagind my H sitting in it, slumping, one hand on his chin with his index finger running up the side of his head. Made me sad. Made me wonder if he ever, ever does anything and looks around for me?
Punkin and Irish..I did that too when my H had moved out of the house. It was lonely and even worse when I looked over to his empty chair, so I stopped looking over there. Even the dogs missed him. Then when he came back, he was really crabby and resentful, but sitting in his chair..and it wasn't the same anymore. It has been getting better but it's slow. I don't think my H ever thought about me when he was gone. He did say once tho that when I left him alone, no texts, no calls, etc..that he started to miss me and our conversations.
Maybe the NC is working in ways you don't even know, Irish.
and Punkin, let's just hope your H wakes up before he makes a really big mistake.
You are both included in my nightime prayers. Prayers ALWAYS help. I've never seen a time when they didn't. You just don't always get exactly what you pray for..but instead get what you need.
In case you both get busy this weekend..I'll be thinking about ya and sending happy thoughts your way.
Thanks to all ~ made it through another work week. Ready to face the weekend. I'm tired and really still very sad. Hope to have a productive weekend - but tonight I'm going to rest.
People are starting to find out and I have been getting some nice emails from friends. I basically say the kids and I are obviously devastated but we are trying to respect H's need to find happiness. They have been responding "how classy" - or "wow - you sound good" / at least the words are there maybe soon the feelings will follow.
I am trying to work around these feelings that maybe H is right / maybe he has never felt much for me. I just get in these funks where his words and actions over the last few months - and his deceptions over the last few years - begin to speak louder than anything else. I don't think H misses me at all. To him I represent accountability and maybe even misery. No one else I know views me that way (that I know of:)) - I just want to begin to find ways to overcome this hurt and to feel really good about myself.
As always - thanks for listening to my whines.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I just get in these funks where his words and actions over the last few months - and his deceptions over the last few years - begin to speak louder than anything else. I don't think H misses me at all. To him I represent accountability and maybe even misery. No one else I know views me that way (that I know of:))
IB...These feelings are normal, in my opinion...I remember thinking "How could H be so wrong? Maybe he isn't? Maybe I just don't know how mean of a woman I am?" and more...
My H had tried to tell me he hadn't been happy for over 10 yrs and yet our son was only 9! Did he fake the happiness of the time that we were expecting him and before!...I remember those times clearly...while I had a very difficult pregnancy, H and I were like glue for each other, loving, caring, planning...
It is all re-writing history...remember they have to...how could they otherwise justify their crazy actions? It can't be them because that would mean acceptiing responsibility and they can't do that either...they can't blame the kids because what sort of monster would they be then in the eyes of others...but if they can paint a picture of the LBS as someone who was impossible to live with, that know one saw what they put up with in private...and HOW long they "TRIED"...well then they feel they are setting themselves up for sainthood!
But I do understand those feelings well...we trusted them, believed them...and now they are blaming us and it seems that in our rational mind there must be truth to it...why would they lie...why would they leave if it wasn't true...why do that to their children, family, friends?...well it isn't true...they are crazy right now...and nothing has to make sense to anyone but them so if they believe what they want of the past then they can go on trying to convince themselves that they are happy now...but eventually that crumbles under them too...hopefully when that happens they realize that their unhappiness was in them...not BECAUSE of you!
IB - those feelings are very well put! But imLin is right. I'm sure we've all felt that way at one time or another. I know I have/are/do.
Admit it though, IB, things are better for both of us than they were when we first began posting. Starting to re develop some self esteem and confidence in ourselves and our decisions.
Speaking of Whine - had a bottle of Red Rock last night. Very tasty, and I don't normally go for red wine. Try it tonight with a friend. Have a good weekend
Today S and I drove to meet my middle D at college. We went and took a boxing class with her! What a workout!! Recommend it to all.
Good day with kids. Went and picked up my mom to stay for a week or so. She is about ready to turn 70. She absolutely drives us insane - but she wanted to come help and I could use some help organizing. She smokes 2-3 packs a day and always sneaks cigs in the house - my S is asthmatic and has allergies - but she doesn't care. Woo Hoo!
Back in my hometown - saw extended family - they are completely stunned by the situation. Have known H for 28 years and to all of them he was the most dedicated family guy they had ever seen. Just let them know - he is searching for happiness. Just sad.
I woke up this morning around 5:40am / began thinking about H and his limited communications. Takes seconds to send texts that he does to kids. Maybe calls them once in a while. I realized that time was a huge issue to H. He is now in charge of all of his time and chooses to share it with no one or with strangers. I think he has always felt that I stole his time by seeking family time or couple time. I don't think he could ever forgive me for that. He only wants to share his time when he wants to - and when he is doing all the things he wants to do. Now he has it.
Just thoughts.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
We both have the same issue. The first thought in my mind in the morning is of H. This morning, it actually took me a minute before it happened. I guess that's progress. It IS sad for our H. And for us. But unlike them, who are stuck in a funk, we can do something about our sadness and move on. It sounds like you are doing a good job at that and I continue to work on it myself. WTG with the boxing!
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
