It's your H that has to initiate reconnection. He disconnected because he thought that's what he needed to do to find himself, or for his happiness, or for ... MLCers are selfish. Until your H starts to 'wake up' he will not fully reconnect. You may see some peeks out of the tunnel but those will be touch and goes.
Keep your expectations at zero to avoid false hopes because so many times after these encounters the MLCer will dash back into the tunnel for a while. That's because those feelings are overwhelming for them and the tunnel is a safe place in which to process them.
Compassionate distance I believe is another way to say detach. Detachment is something you do for you. You still love and care about your S but you step back from what they're doing to protect yourself from being hurt over and over.
I liken detachment to being a shield. I can see through it, but it's a barrier that allows the things H does to bounce off before they get to me. It's taking me a while to build it but I keep working on it. It also allows me to work on myself because instead of worrying what H is going to do next that will hurt, I can put the focus where it belongs, on me and the kids.
As I've learned that I will really be OK no matter what, the shield gets bigger and stronger.
I realize the shield will have to be dismantled if/when H returns. That will be the hardest part in learning to trust again. Anything that we do will have consequences whether it's good or bad.
Dismantling the shield I'm sure will happen the same way it was built, a bit at a time. No illusions though, that will definitely be the hardest part in all of this whether it's with H or someone new.
You are completely right! I can definitely see what you are saying and it resonates with me ~ I am doing this right now for self-preservation. For the past 7 months it has felt like I've taken hit after hit ~ those hits have reduced significantly since NC. Like I've said before - he knows where I stand, who I am, what I am, what I believe and right now it is not what he wants. The rest is up to him.
I am currently working on increasing my stamina and attention to get my finances in order and to do some short-term planning. In addition - I must tackle the basement and I definitely want to have a picture book put together of our 25 years for me and the kids to celebrate in September.
Here we go:) - Thank you!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
IB Actually he doesn't really even know what he wants...the WAS says they do but all the floundering they do proves otherwise.
NC is good for the soul of the LBS...it is hard at first but it does get better...it allows you to keep your focus and this is important.
I am not sure if my H would have ever reconnected with me if I hadn't extended a hand...I could see him at a vulnerable place...he would be talking about things in a way that I felt maybe he was "thinking about us"...I would be very nice then, inviting him to stay for dinner, or what ever...it was not at all a one-sided action when he returned...personally I think that is where pride would have stopped him...not to mention, deep inside he knew what pain he caused me and he even broke down once about the time were considering get back together...in his tears and sobbing he told me that he didn't deserve forgiveness...I knew then he would never "ask" to come home...he didn't feel worthy...he was very close to hitting bottom and I could see it...
As for an answer to ltaylor about the return being rough...there are things they don't have worked out sometimes...you have to be careful not to fall into the pattern of being consumed by trying to "make" them happy so they won't leave again balanced with showing them they can be happy with you.
When my H returned it was obvious he had a drinking problem on top of other health issues...after a not so pretty episode I told him that I couldn't live that way...he agreed to stop but was not prepared to stop...I had to be tough...I had to call 911 twice and have him hospitalized...after the first time he was sober for 3 months...was seeing a doctor for PTSD and depression...since the second time, he has not touched a drop of alcohol (except for what I add to my spagetti sauce!)...he is on antidepressents and being treated for his diabetes...That is only one of the rough patches we hit...believe me at times I wanted him to leave again...dealing with his depression was difficult until he got it totally under control...dealing with his anger was intolerable at times...I had to give space, a lot of space even in the house...I had to remain independant...if he wanted to eat dinner he did, I didn't tell him he should eat...if he wanted to come to bed he did, I didn't tell him that I needed him to so I could get to sleep...things that I had previously done to be helpful but he viewed as controling!!!
It is learning to love and live with someone all over again but at the same time knowing them and not knowing them...it is a very confusing time.
Having a MC may help with that...we did it more or less on our own...we had some guidance from our congregation elders and I did go to some counseling sessions for myself and he did for himself...
Just my 2 cents ... I agree with every you've said SA, except ...
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
I realize the shield will have to be dismantled if/when H returns.
Loving detachment should be a part of a healthy relationship. Understanding that individuals make their own choices, loving without the need/desire to control, learning mutuality instead of codependance ...
Detachment does not mean not caring or loving someone, it simply means that you understand you are your own person and someone elses choices and decisions do NOT control your emotional well being.
Yes, you will need to learn to trust again, but that doesn't mean letting go of healthy, loving detachment IMO.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Lin, Thanks for your reply. What you are saying makes perfect sense. I'm not sure exactly where we are in the process right now, we are stepping lightly. Not eggshells, but kinda just doing our own thing, together. I have asked that we not talk about our R until we go back for our second session with this new MC. We don't have the skills yet to navigate thru that at this time. We just end up saying the same things to each other over and over and not getting anywhere. So, it's best if we just let it rest and enjoy each other's company for now.
We seem to be more calm as a result of taking the pressure off. I think he would like to pretend like none of the A happened and just go back to life as usual..but of course that isn't going to happen because we have both changed..and our M has changed.
I'm looking for a job so that keeps me busy..and I have a ton of hobbies so I'm starting to get back into those. He is consumed with his exercise pgm and his job takes alot of his energy too..we're just treading water right now. And that's ok.
I can see that there are things he is still struggling with..but there are things I am struggling with too. Thru it all, we have remained friends, not sure if that helps all the time..but for the most part it's a good thing.
So, we'll see what happens. Hopefully as it moves forward I'll have specific questions to ask.
I'm sorry that you have alcoholism and PTSD to deal with also. My first H and my S are both alcoholics..my Dad was too..so I know how hard that can be. I'm glad he's on antidepressants. Diabetes is a pretty big deal too. You are one strong woman.
H texted me to let me know he was meeting S for a snack after school / asked if he had any mail at home / and said that he would go with S to dr.'s appt tomorrow. I have been completely NC for 2 weeks - but I decided to go ahead and text - "Thx for going tomorrow. Will have S bring mail to you" No response - but that's fine.
Was reading another thread here today that talked about once WAS remarries then the ability or rationale ends because the window of opportunity is gone. Is that pretty much the right understanding? I'm ok with that position (at least for now) - but I was just checking.
Lin - you are my success story! I get such comfort from reading your posts! Thank you!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Here's something crazy - I printed out all of the pages of my threads and have spent the last two days reading the last 175 pages!!!! How lucky am I to have found this site and to have people willing to share with me their experiences and advice!!!
Thank you! I miss my H SO much ~ but am so blessed to have the support I do!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
One thing I did was whenever I started thinking about the OW and H together (more an issue when H returned and WE were together) I made a point of telling myself "I don't want to think about that!"...because to be forgiving I couldn't hold on to those mental images that I had produced in my mind of them...many of them were not true...but all of them were only painful reminders of that time that we were both trying to get past. My H prefered to pretend it didn't happen also...and for the most part I let him...there were times that I needed to talk but I kept it focused on me and him...didn't include any comments about OW but H knew where I was coming from...he knew I had been hurt deeply...we both had...guilt is a very bad bed partner to have and he had to work on letting it go. In order to build a new healthy relationship you must allow your spouse to let go of the guilt...you have to forgive...there is no "payback" time...it is about moving forward and not looking back...everytime you look back you stop the forward momentum...
I am happy to pop in and offer my experiences when I can...I know how much this place meant to me and there were a few that responded to me...it made a difference in my ability to deal with all that I had heaped on me...
