I think my H would NEVER speak to me again if I exposed his affair to the military or his commanding officer. He would go on the attack and say I was evil because I was destroying his career. He would never say another word to me and will file for a D.
I feel so trapped by this situation. While I hope that we can work it out, I saw my IC today and she question why I am not answering calls from my H or addressing his emails to me. She knows I would like my M to work out and believes the hard line I am taking could be confirming my H's desire to divorce if I do not answer his calls. She says he is now reaching out and apparently wants to talk especially since he has called me every day for the last 4 days and emailed me numerous times.
My H called me again twice today at work and sent two emails to me. Well I have been thinking more and more over the last day about how BADLY he treated me after he was the one that HAD the affair. He made me out to be the worst person and I am sure that is how he coached it to the the OW.
If I expose, how do I do it and when?
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Seeing as this is the military I would suggest you leave QS to answer that one.. he did a military exposure a month or so back so he knows the ropes...
I know he's calling, but he's the one who threatened divorce...
And I know this is scary, but affairs don't end on their own.. I don't know a single addiction that dies of its own choice...
Has he given you ANY indication that he's gonig to do anyting OTHER than divorce?
I posted on another thread a list of things a cheating spouse will say that you MUST disregard and ignore...
If they are involved in an affair, they will lie to you, and basically do ANYTHING to look like they are NOT the bad guy.
They RATIONALIZE what they are doing.
If you want EVEN A CHANCE, then you have to blow this thing OUT OF THE WATER.
If he is THAT COMMITTED to having an affair or ROMANTIC ADDICTION, then he will continue onto someone else. See MY posts for that. My wife has gone 2 GUYS ALREADY, and is working on her THIRD. But at least I am not "playing nice" and HOPING for a "fair chance" like she said she'd give me 2 months ago.
THEN YOU WILL KNOW FOR SURE.
Right now according to her and her friends:
I am a monster
I am psycho
I am "desperately clinging on"
I am "sad"
YADA YADA YADA!!!
But GUESS WHO IS MOVING IN WITH A 24 YEAR OLD IMMATURE COWORKER WHO CANT EVEN PAY HALF THE RENT,THINKING SHE CAN GET HIM TO DATE HER AND SLEEP WITH HER NOW THAT THEY WILL BE ROOMATES????
Who's sad now?
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
Has he given you ANY indication that he's gonig to do anyting OTHER than divorce?
Up until 5 weeks ago, we was spewing that he was trying to figure out HOW we get divorced. Since then and up until when I spoke to him last (Sunday, 7/18), he has not mentioned divorce. In addition, he never contacted me without me asking him to call me first. Now he has called me and tried to contact me without any proding or inquiry from me. I have to admit, I would like to know what he REALLY wants. But I cannot allow myself to be pulled into his DRAMA when his is still talking and befriending the OW.
QS, you are so right. He has considered himself the victim and has never openly admitted fault with the downfall of the M. I am trying NOT to listen (getting better at it every day), but it is almost as if he believes his own BS!!
Why is he calling me? His emails seemed urgent today like he is concerned because he "has not spoken with me for a long time." I think he could be feeling guilty or lonely because he KNOWS I have always been there for him, when he was upset, sad, lonely, and needed someone to talk to...
Last edited by ShellDoll; 07/28/1001:00 AM.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
The issue I have with our home is that he bought it originally when we first moved in together. He never (and I never asked) that my name be added to the deed. That is why he pays the mortgage.
Have you checked into this, and confirmed it? What state are you in?
Depending on the state (mine -- FL -- is a "community property" state, and our home, that I closed on the day before we got married, became half hers the moment we married), you may or may not have a real interest in the home, regardless.
Worth looking into.
Puppy
In am in VA. It is a community property state. But my H (at least prior to him deploying was very adamant that I would have to move out if we D.
That's not what I asked. I asked if you have verified that it's true that the house isn't already HALF YOURS.
He's worried is all.. He's scared and he wants to keep playing you like a piano... Once you STOP taking his calls he realizes he may NOT have control over the sitaution HE CREATED
He wants to keep playing BOTH for as LONG as he CAN...
Do NOT take his calls... He's stuck and you are fortunate enough to have time to plan here... do NOT RUIN that by taking his calls...
If he had anythign important to say he would send an email with a real message...
The fact that he wants to CALL is indicating he wants to manipulate you and he can do that a LOT EASIER over the phone and he KNOWS IT...
You cannot TRUST this guy right now or think that he's suddenly come to his senses and that he's had a sudden epiphany about any of this...
That's not what I asked. I asked if you have verified that it's true that the house isn't already HALF YOURS.
Puppy
Sorry Puppy, Yes, according to my lawyer, it is half mine, however, my L also said that if this were to end in D, I cannot afford to buy my H and therefore I would have to move if he wants the house (my H would buy me out).
Originally Posted By: Allen A
ShellDoll do NOT take his calls...
He's worried is all.. He's scared and he wants to keep playing you like a piano... Once you STOP taking his calls he realizes he may NOT have control over the sitaution HE CREATED
He wants to keep playing BOTH for as LONG as he CAN...
Do NOT take his calls... He's stuck and you are fortunate enough to have time to plan here... do NOT RUIN that by taking his calls...
I know, I sounded weak and ONLY thought about taking his next call. I WILL NOT. I have to focus on me and I still have some resentment for what he has pout me through and I GAVE him all the POWER in this situation he caused. I am actually not feeling as anxious as I did a month ago when he wasn't calling as much. Work is keeping me busy at the moment which is probably a good thing, because I am never at my desk.
I will continue to stay dark from all things related to my H. He doesn't particulary have a close relationship with his family (his father and mother are both dead). He speaks to them maybe once every few months.
I know, he wants to keep me playing to his fiddle - I will just do for me now. I am going to draft a letter that I want to get your feedback on later.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
I would suggest you get a NEW CELL PHONE ... so he CAN'T call you.. get a new email address too...
Question for the lawyer : What about alimony? If he makes a substantial amount more than you can't you afford the house with yoru salary and an alimony payment?
Spousal support can be determined by the parties through a settlement agreement, or a judge can determine the amount of spousal support to be paid, if any, if a case goes to trial.
Can I receive spousal support prior to a final settlement or court date in my case?
Yes. Virginia permits pendente lite spousal support to be awarded. Pendente lite spousal support is a temporary support amount which will be effective until a final disposition in the case. The parties can jointly agree to an appropriate amount, or the court can make that determination based on the respective incomes of the parties. If you cannot agree to an amount of pendente lite spousal support, each spouse will be required to prepare a monthly income and expenses statement which reflect's their monthly income income and expenses. The court will then make an award of spousal support, if appropriate, based on the demonstrated need of one spouse and the ability of the other spouse to pay support to meet that need on a temporary basis. The Fairfax County courts use a formula based solely on the parties' respective incomes as a guideline to help the judge decide what an appropriate amount of temporary spousal support would be. The Fairfax formula is: 30% of the payor's gross monthly income, less 50% of the payee's gross monthly income. If the payor will also be paying child support, the formula is: 28% of the payor's gross monthly income, less 58% of the payee's gross monthly income. The Fairfax formula is just a "rule of thumb"; it is possible for your attorney to argue that it should not be applied by the court in your particular case.
Can spousal support ever be barred?
Spousal support may be barred by proof of adultery on the part of the person seeking spousal support; however, spousal support is no longer barred by desertion or cruelty.
What are the factors that go into an spousal support determination?
The factors taken into consideration by the Court when deciding whether to award spousal support and the amount of such award include:
* The earning capacity, obligations, needs and financial resources of the parties, including but not limited to income from all pension, profit sharing or retirement plans, of whatever nature; * The education and training of the parties and the ability and opportunity of the parties to secure such education and training; * The standard of living established during the marriage; * The duration of the marriage; * The age and physical and mental condition of the parties; * The contributions, monetary and non monetary, of each party to the well-being of the family; * The property interest of the parties, both real and personal, tangible and intangible; * The provisions made with regard to the marital property; and * Such other factors, including the tax consequences to each party , as are necessary to consider the equities between the parties.
Can I get permanent spousal support?
Spousal support, whether ordered by the court or agreed to by the parties, can be paid in periodic (i.e., bi-weekly or monthly) payments for a set duration, such as four years; periodic payments for an unspecified duration; in the form of a lump sum award; or any combination of the above. Court ordered spousal support terminates automatically upon the death of either spouse or the remarriage of the spouse receiving support. A spouse is more likely to receive an award of spousal support with no defined duration, where spousal support will continue until death of either party or remarriage, if there was a long term marriage and the spouse seeking support is nearing or at retirement age, or unable to become sufficiently employed to provide their own support. In shorter marriages, where the spouse seeking support is younger, the court may award spousal support of a limited duration, sometimes referred to as "rehabilitative alimony", to allow the recipient spouse the time and opportunity to complete a degree or carry out some plan aimed at securing self-sufficiency. At the time of the divorce, in addition to awarding spousal support, or in cases where spousal support is not warranted at the time, the court may grant either or both spouses a reservation to request spousal support in the future.
How can the amount of spousal support be changed in the future?
If spousal support is set by agreement of the parties in a Property Settlement Agreement (instead of a Judge), unless there is a provision allowing for later modification, the amount of spousal support can never be modified. If a Judge sets a spousal support award, either side may later petition for an increase/decrease upon a showing of substantially changed circumstances. Further, a payor spouse is permitted to petition the court for termination of spousal support in cases where the recipient spouse has cohabited with another person in a relationship analogous to marriage for a year or more.
How do I enforce a support order?
If you are worried that your spouse will not pay a support order, or if your spouse is refusing to pay a valid support order, Virginia law allows for an income deduction order to be entered by the court. A Virginia court has the power to order that the spouse's employer deduct the appropriate monthly amount due from the employee's pay check and to pay that amount to the spouse entitled to receive the support.
Who pays taxes on spousal support - the payor spouse or the payee spouse?
In Virginia, the person who receives spousal support must declare the support as income and pay the taxes on such income. The party who pays the spousal support is entitled to deduct the amount paid from their income for tax purposes. Some lump sum payments between spouses may be considered spousal support for tax purposes, while others may be considered payments required to equalize the assets of the parties' being distributed between the parties incident to the divorce. You should consult an attorney to discuss the distinction.
Virginia Divorce "Grounds" (provided by Jeff Krause, Attorney at Law)
Virtually all States now have "no-fault" grounds for divorce. Most of these States also, still, have available the traditional "fault" grounds (primarily, adultery, cruelty, desertion and "constructive desertion"). D.C. is an exception to this "rule"; the only grounds for "absolute divorce" (i.e., the type which frees one to remarry) in D.C. are the "no-fault" grounds (although, even in D.C., "fault" may have relevance regarding the more difficult and dynamic issues). Because of the relative expeditiousness and inexpensiveness of the "no-fault" divorce process, as a practical matter, these days, the only rational reasons people use the "fault" grounds are in connection with the more difficult issues. And, even where cases are initiated on "fault" grounds (in Virginia), once these other issues are settled, because of speed and cost factors, usually, the divorce is in fact "finalized" on the applicable "no-fault" ground.
Even in Virginia, at least since and after the late 1980's, our Courts have made it increasingly clear that "personal fault" in dissolving a marriage usually tends to be rather irrelevant in terms of resolving "the dynamic issues. " Primarily, adultery (which "causes dissolution of the marriage") of the person seeking spousal support ; and, regarding custody and visitation issues, "exposing" minor children to overnight (and other) visits by "friends" of the opposite sex (even after divorce!) -- are the remaining verboten items.
Shell,
How many years is considered a "long-term marriage" for the purposes of permanent spousal support in VA? I see you're married 12 years; I know in Florida, it's 15.
I certainly think there is more than enough here for your attorney to be able to prevent your husband from "throwing you out of your home," of which you are legally entitled to half. Yes, he can OFFER to buy out your half, but you don't have to ACCEPT his offer, or at least you can delay it (citing "poor real estate market conditions," for example).
If your lawyer isn't more confident, and willing to fight for you, perhaps you need to get another lawyer.
