Seperated.i'm a young couple. What to do?

[lovehurts2]

Hello everyone,

Im quite new to this site.I've been scouring the website last few of weeks and ordered the books (waiting for them to arrive).
I'm 27, married a year ago in Las Vegas, and only just 3
months ago had our Sydney ceremony/reception for our family and friends.

I hope to keep my SITCH not too long.(abrev. im just learning)

M and H met 6 1/2 years ago, it was a rocky road before we got engaged. It was always on and off.Constant arguing, mainly because of infidelty issues with OW ( he claimed it was always when we were on break). There must have been a turning point,and he suddenly didnt want to be a skirt-chaser no more, and realised he wanted to marry me.

After he proposed, i had to learn to forgive and forget. it took me a long time to get over the trust issue but i finally got there. The only thing was, i was so hurt when we were bf/gf , that i started to post my anger towards him, be bitchy, just to hurt him back (but not cheat), to make him feel how he did to me. I know it was wrong. two wrongs don't make a right. But he just took it all, knowing he did treat me bad in the beginning.
Been together for a while, we stil constantly fought.I was nagging alot, at home, in front of friends ( i know my mistake here, it was putting him down) but cause i was so use to doing this, it had became such a norm for me. It was hard to control. We lived at the same house ( i moved 2 hours away from friends and family to be with him), i come home late after work and i would already start nagging about the dishes etc. Our love life fizzled, we were always arguing, or too tired.The same old excuses.

Everytime we fought, we would sleep on it, and continue on our day as if nothing ever happened. So therefore, never getting to the real core of our problems. Hence cycle of same arguments.
I really do love my H, and i know im not perfect. I was so blinded to see he was getting hurt.

Then one day after i argued about the dishes, he said he wanted a break, he needed a week off from me.I went to stay at my family's house, hoping that after a week that we would miss me.At the end of the wk, he called and said he didn't miss me at all,he was stil angry and thought there is no point going on with relationship. He was just over it. He said he has been unhappy for a while, before the wedding.and he thought things would improve. Main topics for arguements, Nagging (housework),who is going to walk/feed dog, Me complaining about travelling to work and from ( he disagreed to move anywhere but his home town, lack of intimacy.

Crying lasted for days. My male friend called him to see if he was ok, and explained to him that we are married now, we have to try and work it out.to write a list of things we can compromise on and things we cant. At first H agreeded, but the day we were going to meet to swap the list, he called and said no. He again said no, i'm over it, its over, i don't want to do this no more, it's too late.

I'm currently living back with family with our dog, he hired a truck and took all my belongs and already splited the house goods ( which are in my familys garage).In the space of 2 weeks from the break, he had already took the liberty to move my stuff.i didn't want anything but he pretty much gave me everything except tv and fridge.He said he didnt want anything in the house to remind of Me.

I know that when someone wants a S, its because they have been thinking it for a while. It's so unfair, cause i feel we haven't gave the marriage a shot, we never sorted our problems just overlooking them, and the first time i know how unhappy he is,he has already made up his mind.

My heart is breaking, and i've read post that the best thing to do is GAL. I have been occuppying my time with friends, going dinner, movies etc. But its always constantly on my mind!I'm trying to keep myself looking good, dressing up, hair,gym but I'm just so depressed.We only had our sydney wedding 3 months ago, it was the whole deal. I feel like how can he mean his vows of unconditional love that he said 3 months ago, and now not want to be with me?
I asked him when he dropped off all my stuff, that if he was stil in love with me. He replied " only a little, not enough to get back together, if you need to hear it, too move on, then sorry I'm not in love with you no more" It was so brutal to hear, but i always believed that you can't make someone love you.

How can i save my marriage, when we don't live under the same roof?and there is really no chance of bumping into each other?

Im so hurt, and i wish i could turn back time. I keep thinking we won't be able to save the marriage, we fought from the start, and im thinking he believes if marriage didn't work why reconciling work. All his friends know our past,present and i'm sure they will be egging him to stay single.

I don't believe there was OW, but my friends have mentioned it was weird he wanted to move everything out straightaway.(He has insecurity issues, he is going bald.he shaved it to see how he looked, he hated it, so he's trying to grow his hair back at this stage, he's always felt insecure about this so that's why i don't believe for now there is someone else, but i guess he is young and attractive and would stil have no problem picking up)

I know i need to move on, but cause he was the one that left me, his moving on process has already started before mine, and it kills me to think of him with someone else.

help?advice on seperation when not living together?

I really want to hope and fight for this but i don't want to look like a loser holding back on memories.

Thank you for listening.

[kml]

AW, honey, sorry you are here.

I can't comment on your relationship, whether you should fight for him or not - but let me tell you my story as a cautionary tale.

I married in my 20's, my husband had some ambivalence when we married, he cheated on me early in the first year. I took him back, forgave him, thought we had gotten through it. WE had three kids, a good life together - really, 90% of our marriage was great, we were the couple people envied.

But - long story short, my H had never really dealt with his issues. And they slowly poisoned our marriage. He had another affair when our kids were teens, I forgave him again, we had a few more good years - then he walked out as he approached 50. WE are now divorced after 25 years of marriage, I'm a 54 year old woman trying to negotiate the dating scene.

And I can see in retrospect, that I spent a lot of energy over the years trying to placate him and keep him happy, trying to hold onto him, not feeling truly cherished and valued for who I was.

I had three kids and a lot of reasons to try to make it work. I don't regret that. But if I could have known when I was your age what the future held? I would have run. I would have realized I was settling because some part of me didn't believe I would find someone who adored me the way I adored my husband.

Your husband has shown you his character. Yes, it sounds like you could have handled things better - no man likes a nag. BUT - you know that you were reacting that way because he was NOT giving you the love and reassurance that would have been required for you to get over his previous infidelities.

I know it hurts, but I believe this kind of situation is different than the rest. Don't try to get him back. You don't want him back unless he can REALLY change, and can PROVE he has changed for a prolonged period of time. You don't have kids with him yet - think long and hard whether this is the character of a man you want to be the father of your children? Focus on your own growth and don't dream of taking him back unless he attends 6 months minimum of counseling with you and is completely transparent in all his activities.

And - sorry to suggest this - but be prepared for the possibility that he has been cheating. I've seen a lot of cases here, when the H bails right after the wedding, and it turns out they were cheating before the wedding but just didn't feel they could stop the train.

Ellie

[lees]

Well some people just aren't worth the effort. He may be one of them.

I've come to the realisation that my STBXW actually didn't understand or mean her wedding vows, and I'm still annoyed with myself that I believed a word she ever said to me.

I will forever be puzzled on how some people can walk down the aisle and then a short time afterwards seem to forget what they said on that day, the promises they made.

But some people just can't keep their word, some just can't keep their trousers up, some are too self centered to do anything other than what is right for just them at whatever time they choose. And if they bail this early, then you sure as hell don't want them around when there are real pressures like kids and serious illness to deal with.

The more time I spend in this life, the more I come to realise that the only person you can really depend on is yourself. EVERYONE else will let you down, hurt you, abandon you or upset you. So spend time on making yourself into someone you like.

[lovehurts2]

thank you guys for your opinions and advice.

It really has opened up my mind alot..its one thing to get advice from family and friends, and then another to get it off complete strangers who are or have been in similar scenarios. It brings a whole new light.

Ive been really good lately, keeping myself busy and not allowing myself to dwell on the past. I stil think about him everyday. In the beginning of the S, i thought he was the victim and i was in the wrong and i keep going through my head what i could of done better..but i read somewhere in the forum. a Marriage is 50/50 no matter who the victim is..both H and W have responsibilities in the marriage.

Kml - im sorry to hear what had happened to you, and i know you say that im young and i should go and not turn back.. i believe im on that track of going foward. Your right, if by any chance he comes back then we should atttend MC. And i thought about it, you are 100% correct, this proves what a character he is.. im lucky in a way we didnt have kids.

Lees - i guess you know exactly how i feel, I believe in love and marriage, and those words you commit in front of everyone. Its so hard to believe someone turn there back on you before the ink on the marriage certificate dries.

Your right, the only person who can look after myself and can make me happy.. is myself.

Ive just recieved the books in the mail, so ill be busy reading up on all tips.

This site has made me feel good about openning up completey instead of being embrassed.

[pinhead]

Breaking vows is a tough thing. I used to be so mad at my wife for giving up, for wanting to leave. She's tough, stubborn, and used to pride herself on sticking things out. So to see her use MC as validation for leaving, as well as counseling with our pastor, hurts. It diminishes her in my eyes.

I made my vows before Christ, our families, and each other. To this day I believe in those vows, and am having a hard time reconciling them with this impending divorce. I believe that anything is possible through the Lord, though not always what you want or think you need.

I will always love, honor and cherish my wife. In sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. I may not be with her, and she may be with someone else, but those actions will be how I live my life. I can go to my maker knowing that I did all that I could. That gives me great comfort, and helps me to choose to do the Right Thing, when part of me wants to lash out in pain and hurt.

[resist failure]

Loverhurts2,

I know and have experience verbatim what you are going through. Where I was at that point that you are now was a cloud of sadness, sorrow and hurt. Then I had to really look into myself. I had to write down what I wanted to change of myself. I never wanted to see myself as a bitchy nagging one of "those girlfriends, wife, ect." But I had to really see my reflection and that I had become what I didn't want to see. The way I conducted myself, hurt the one I care and love unconditionally was not where I ever wanted to get to. I nagged and made a pattern of expressing this publicly and embarrassing him. In addition I had to examine and see how I was ultimately hurting myself. My F has also seen other people while we were on "break" and that has hurt too even me knowing his tract record I have to hush the anger towards what could have been going on this break prior to where we are now. The bottom line is he is ultimately with me and those OW just enhanced my shine and beauty in the world. They weren't and couldn't show him any better nor anything worth "leaving" for something better. F also had to search and recognize his own loss of clarity and lack of truth to who he is. This is something that I have always wanted for him to embrace and discover internally.

Each of us even though F is still on this road, had to find this place within ourselves. I missed him tremendously but then I realized that I really missed myself. Now that he is back in this I can really appreciated him for him and myself as a partner that I have always know was inside me.

I had to write and throw away then write and throw away paper after paper in order to really see physically in writing out of my mind what I wanted to have in my life precisely. I had to really see and look inside myself what I wanted from myself then what I wanted from our relationship.

Watching specific shows and movies also gave me a clearer vision of what is important and how to find the inner strength and clarity of who I am and what I have to offer.

I hope that this finds you well and that the hope is there and faith is the water that allows growth. Know that this pain reps the reward it's a matter of embracing the pain allowing the acceptance to occur then allow the release in order to open the doors for a true path. Our emotions and thoughts do not define us, allow them enter then leave and take a lesson for each that enters but allow them to leave.

I also was not able to see him or run into him but each small encounter I allowed the opportunity to see my improvement and the greener grass. Be thankful for each encounter because it is the limited encounters that allow the truth to surface.

Warmest hope for you!

Me:25
fiance :29 about to be 30 in Sept.
together: 7.5 years
situation: separated 2.5 months
July 15th 2010 happily talking!
July 22nd, committed and ready to begin fresh

itchy sitchy : http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...303#Post2032303

[lovehurts2]

hey guys,

i just finished divorce rememdy.Wow. I could really relate to some of the issues stated in there.. im starting my 180.and trying my best obviously to GAL. Ive been doing so well, im slowy starting to be independent and i think less each day of reminising the good times.

Last weekend he msged me to see if i needed help with the dog bills and how she was. At first i was surprised he msged, i hadn't spoke to him weeks. I keep the reply back simple, friendly and to the point.He replied back with something short like ok. But i didnt bother replying back.

Today, he found out that i was goin to thailand for nye to this particular beach party on a small island, i find out he is going too!such a coincidence, i was going away to get away from everything.he sent me a text swearing and being angry saying that i should change my dates or even change my holidays. I refrained from getting angry, and replied calmly that there was no way i was going to change anything.
Im quite angry he has asked me to do this, he kicked me out and i had to change my lifestyle and now he wants me to change my holidays with my girlfriends.We have already set in stone dates and flights.

what should i do???

[pinhead]

Go. Just Go!

It's your trip, if he has a problem he should change HIS schedule/itinerary.

[lovehurts2]

Thanks pinhead.

I booked my plane tickets.You so right it is my trip.

He messaged me a few days later, apolygising how he reacted and that it took him off guard.He mentioned that the easiest way to get over me, was to not hear,see or know what i was doing. he wished me well on my trip.
I kept my reply short and positive, " I was caught guard off too. Hope you have a great trip.It will be fun"

Few days ago.. i just burst out crying. I felt so sad about the whole M situation. Im not scared of finding someone else, but its finding someone who will love you as much as i did to my H. I've heard the line plenty of times "there are many fish in the sea", its so hard when every where i go, i'm comparing them to my H.

Read DR, and applied the 180. Its so hard when we are seperated and living hours apart.

If only i had read the book before it was too late.

[lovehurts2]

Its been a while since i posted.

Ive been laying low, and popping onto the site once a week to read up on everyones situation.

Update with me, Past couple of months have been good. getting on with life, catching up with old friends and making new friends. Things have been going well, and i can't remember when i last cried about the situation.

Now a month ago my H msgs me out of the blue, asking about the dog, how is she?do i need money for vet bills? I kept the msgs, short and nice. Msgs came by weekly, then by every few days, now everyday. It was mostly talk about random things like whats been happening on news, or new movies or t.v shows. I made special note not to mention the R.

last we he asked if he could come by and see Iowa (our dog), i agreed... of course nervous on the day, and worried if we would start arguing. But it turned out to be a fun filled day hanging with the dog at the park, stil no talk of the R.

Now today he asked to come over to see the dog, and said if i wanted to catch a movie. I aggreed, happy inside but didnt want to sound too estatic. He told me how much he regreted making the harsh decisions he made and that he understood how much i meant to him. He said that after my holiday at the end of the year, that we should go to marriage counselling. I was taken back, he was always against it.

I knew i shouldnt have asked, but i had to ask if he had hooked up with anyone in the 3 months.Even though we were seperated he was entitled to do what he pleased.

He said he kissed two different girls, both girls he swapped numbers met out again. Nothing ever happened but kisses. He said he stopped msging the last girl, cause he knew he wanted to be with me.

I dont know what to do?! im guttd?! ok maybe its not as bad as sleeping with someone, but to me kissing is the same! i know i cant be mad, i can only be upset with the situation.
I sent him a long email of how i felt , and how i felt betrayed..and how i couldnt understand how can u love someone but stil look astray? I just dont get it?

am i overreacting guys??? should i just let go cause we are seperated??

I'm just so hurt, cause he cheated in the past..and it was only 6 months ago we renewd our vows, 3 months of seperation and he has already kissed 2 girls.

the email i sent was pretty harsh..i was trying to control my emotions..and i pretty much implied i dont want to work on this marriage.

Im stuck in whether i want this to work or not?? Im going away for a month end of year, and really anything could happen. But if we do go to MC when i come, back i dont know if i could handle hearing anymore if he decides to go galloping around. It makes me sick cause we seperated.

What am i to do guys? advice? am i being unreasonable cause we are seperated and i shouldnt have these expectations?

im so embrassed.