Cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it

[luvless]

Well well well...the boards are back online! What happened?

Hey thanks kat! I'm doing alright- so nice of you to ask!

So sometimes I have a lot on my mind but don't feel like writing about it or perhaps don't know how to articulate it in words so I don't even bother lol. Lately I feel like I'm coasting through life as if something's missing and I don't know what it is. I get invited to lots of social events but I don't go for no good reason. While most things I do throughout the day require effort, thinking and deliberate action I still feel like I'm just breathing to survive and watching my days and weeks in life go by without a real purpose.

It's not that I'm sad or depressed, I'm quite comfortable in my day to day life but I feel I need to be doing more. I just wonder if my life will feel fulfilling again. My married life felt complete, even if we did nothing on a weekend it never crossed my mind that my days were passing me by. Now I get antsy like I have to 'improve' my life but what that improvement is I don't know.

Just some random rambling.

No it's not rambling it's you being a real thinking/feeling human being. I feel the same way. It is like something is missing and days are going by - I guess that is what they call "the process."

Luv

[ImprovedRomeo]

CTH, that's just it, I don't care to go to these events. Like I have no desire...it will do nothing for me. Some of these events are free through work. Like this weekend I got invited to a NASCAR race...I used to race cars before DD was born it was my passion but I declined, why? I don't really know but I didn't feel that 'oooh! let's go watch it' it was like 'pffft, whatever- I'd rather go ride my motorcycle or wrench on my race car'.

Wii, that's my fear. In 3 years from now will I still feel lost like I don't know if my life is missing something? What should my life be from now on? Should I become a navy seal or sign my self up for habitat for humanity or what? It would be cool to become a total badass...kick some @ss. Too bad it all requires work and possibly getting hurt

Luv, I think there're two things at play here i.e. being individually happy and being content with how things are overall. I know I, as an individual, can be happy for the most part. However, overall I feel this different life I have now is less than what I'd imagined or expected. I think it feels more complicated because of DD...when I compare my childhood with hers I feel it's not fair that she doesn't get to experience and have those memories to savor for her lifetime- memories of us together doing the family stuff.

I don't really know what it is. Like wii said life ain't bad but it's that nagging feeling that there should be more to life than *this*.

[whatisis]

Wii, that's my fear. In 3 years from now will I still feel lost like I don't know if my life is missing something? What should my life be from now on? Should I become a navy seal or sign my self up for habitat for humanity or what? It would be cool to become a total badass...kick some @ss. Too bad it all requires work and possibly getting hurt


I don't really know what it is. Like wii said life ain't bad but it's that nagging feeling that there should be more to life than *this*.

In all honesty Romeo, there are always times in our lives where we wonder "is this it?". If you were still with wife and DD this would happen, maybe a death in the family would bring it up, maybe your career not going the way you want, maybe a medical issue. This is life, my friend. I also think we have in our heads that divorce is something that you just get over and have the most incredible life afterwards and if you don't, well, it's your fault. It's like Christians, who I really hope are a minority, who say "if you'd gone to church, prayed harder, sinned less this wouldn't have happened" Horsepoo! Bad things do happen to good people, that's life. I guess it's a matter of looking at what we've got and growing from it. I'm not saying life will be a bowl of cherries because I don't know that. We each have our own individual journeys, parts will be real good and parts will be bad and parts will be like right now...OK. Divorce is a trauma, it's not a flu that everyone catches and just gets over, it follows us for a long time. Therefore, we live with it, try to do better and maybe, just maybe, accept that it's OK to lack a direction, feel a little empty sometimes and be alone. There are things we can learn from these experiences and grow from. Well, that's my rambling for today, hope there's something good in there!

[ClingingToHope]

IR, people tackle things differently. I thought I'd have all this energy to finish my writing and research and I've had no energy. I get energy from people so I keep finding ways to be around them.

Tonight I'm sick, but I have parent teacher conferences and then I'm going to make it over to my church growth group because we have some new people in it.

[whatisis]

CTH, spreading your germs to the new people is a sure fire way to get them to remember you!

[soleil]

Divorce is a trauma, it's not a flu that everyone catches and just gets over, it follows us for a long time.

Exactly. Divorce is like a tattoo. Even if you get it removed, the scar is always there.

Romeo, when does your D become final? Were you given a date?

[whatisis]

I think took, Romeo needs to remember that he's only 7 or 8 months into this, if I recall. You ain't gonna be whole in that amount of time no matter what you do!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Wii, that's some good stuff! I appreciate it. You're right, this is life and I'm not complaining or being sad over what happened. I'm over that part already, I'm over STBXW too but the feeling that there should be more to life is what I'm sensing and I have no answer or cure for it. I sometimes say to myself I should do this or that but I find no real purpose or motivation to do it. I'd rather go back to my comfortable routine that I have around my life. Yet the comfortness bugs me as if I shouldn't be so comfortable in my life. Hard to explain other than the restlessness sometimes. And yes the latest has been a few months but some will say I've been at this for far too long.

CTH, the only way I can have your kind of energy is...if I took valium, viagra and rogaine together.

Sol, I don't have a date yet- are you buying drinks? You know what they say divorce is like passing a kidney stone. It hurts like hell, takes what seems forever to pass and results in an enormous bill.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Yesterday out of the blue DD asked me "daddy do you miss mommy?" she's asked that before. I said "uh huh, sometimes I do". She said "do you want to live with me and mommy together?" - she's never said that before. It's kind of big talk for a 6yo, not sure where and how she got that from. I said "yeah, why do you ask?" she said "well because I want us to live together again as family"...awwww I said "sweetie, I would like that too but you know what? we are family and it doesn't matter where we live we will always be family and mommy and I love you more than anything". She just smiled and didn't say anything.

[Nikita Belle]

((((R))))

I dread those questsions from my D. The D coach (not a DB coach, but a D coach- mental health professional who consults with you about your kids, your D strategy, how you're coping and dealing with your spouse, etc.- pretty cool) I saw said this is VERY common at ages 5-6. They learn about 'happily ever after' and have lots of stuff to say and ask about everyone being together again. They have fantasies about it for awhile.

One of the suggestions she had for me- now my D is only 3, but some of you with younger kids may find this helpful- was to say something like:

"Mommy and Daddy will always be friends, but we are happier when we live in separate houses."

Then to move onto very concrete (and materialistic- she actually used that word b/c kids these ages just are) about "and see, you have TWO rooms, not just one. Hey, would you like to help pick out your new bedspread??" or something like that.)

That's probably too simplistic for age 6, but for 3-4 it is good, I think. Around 4 they start asking more "why" questions, so I didn't cover that with her yet...

She also said- and I was thinking of you Romeo, b/c I know your DD asked this awhile back- that around 5-6 they start asking questions about death and dying that are sometimes, but not always, related to the divorce. I guess it just gets them thinking about people not always being around and if so, will their parents also die at some point, etc. I found it interesting b/c you'd seen it firsthand- but she said that even kids who don't go through a D ask these same questions at this age, too.