How do you know it's too late?

[CrazyCatLady]

How do you know that it’s truly too late and that they won’t change their mind?

My husband told me 2 months ago that he wanted out. I spent the first month doing all the wrong things, and the second month doing all the right things (most of the time). We’re growing as friends and he does say that he wants to remain friends- nothing more. He’s nice to me, talks to me about his day, has not taken his ring off, and will initiate sex. But he still won’t touch me otherwise, of course won’t tell me he loves me, and he’s telling everyone he knows that we are getting divorced. It’s the fact that he’s telling everyone that’s worrying me the most. How likely is it for a spouse to change their mind after telling everyone they knew it was over?



My situation:

What spurred his decision: we had a fight that was ugly, but no more so that has been in the past. We’ve had issues with communication for a long time. He DOESN’T talk- he’s completely silent when I ask him questions. This makes me so frustrated that I would get emotionally abusive to get any kind of reaction from him (I told him I made the biggest mistake in my life when I married him, etc.) Out of exhaustion, I asked him if he wanted a divorce. He decided after that fight that he didn’t want to keep having the same fights over and over, so yes, he did want out. I thought he was bluffing for a couple days. When I realized he was serious, I was shocked and reacted poorly (totally broke down and had my mom to come pick me up so I could spend the night at my parents’ house).

I continued to plead and reason with him as his decision continued to firm up. I found Michelle’s book about a month ago and finally realized I was doing everything wrong. As I’ve changed my behavior, he is becoming nicer to me and he’s on board with building a friendship (nothing more).

I was unhappy with our marriage. I did think about divorce a couple times. I was obviously not anywhere near ready to pursue anything. H’s actions after our last fight made me realize how much I still love him and how much work I am willing to devote to making things better. I really like the idea of divorcing the “old” marriage and starting a “new” one with the same person.

Both of us are still living together, although he moved into a separate bedroom. I have not seen a lawyer, he says he has not either and I believe him. He’s told me he’s recognized a positive change in me (I’ve been working really hard to be a happier and less angry person), but he does not believe that it will be permanent and it doesn’t matter to him whether it is or not because he’s done.

I’ve reached out to old and new friends, I’m seeing 2 counselors. I’m staying as busy as I can. I travel to meet girlfriends and relatives out of state on the weekend. I plan on signing up for yoga classes and pottery classes. A chef friend is going to teach me how to cook.

We have no kids, have been married 6 years and together almost 10.

I have a great relationship with my in-laws. Both of our parents are still married. They all want us to work things out. H is surrounding himself with new friends who are telling him everything he wants to hear. H even told me that one of his friends sent him a message to come to a party because there were going to be girls there and they could “maybe have some shenanigans”- H said the friend was joking and he only told me because he thought I was spying on him and had already seen the message. He went to see a therapist (said he want to know why he felt it was over because he couldn’t figure it out) and only went to 2 sessions. The therapist told him that he had made up his mind and he needs to move out of the house and stop leading me on. At the second session, the therapist told him there was nothing more he could do for H since his mind was made up. We saw a marriage therapist also, after I told him it seemed like he was hiding something if he didn’t want to go. That was a total disaster.


So, more questions:
Do I keep doing ALL of the housework? He completely stopped doing his share. He does notice all that I do, and tells me he appreciates it.
We’ll watch funny movies when we’re home together. Should this stop or is it ok?
Is buying him tickets for an event that gets him out of the house without me pursuing or is it ok?
Should I do his laundry? I’ve always done it. I told him I was going to stop since he wants out (before I found out about DBing). I’ve done it a few times since then as a nice gesture. He thanks me when I wash it. He keeps his dirty laundry in what is now his bedroom.

In my attempts to GAL, I went to visit my brother in another state over the weekend. It was so hard not to pick up the phone and call H to check in. When I came home, the air was so tense we had definitely grown so much more distant than we already had been. Is getting a life ever a bad thing? Or can you get too much of a life? At one point, I spent two nights over my parents’ house to give him space and that also seemed to bother him- he seemed angry at me for leaving when I got back.

[FaithnAK]

You don't know, that's the problem.

As far as you doing all that stuff for him, yeah, it's pursuing. He is getting the best of both worlds. Holding Divorce over your head while doing things together is really IMO wrong.

My W moved into her Sister/Boyfriend/whatever house, so I don't have the experience of what you're going through. I hate the fact that she left, but at least she made the decision to leave and not sit here to force me to endure a relationship that is fated by her "I'm not changing my mind" speech.

I'm at my wits end with dealing with the whole detach thing. I broke down and got a DB coach (starts Friday, YAY)

I would advise the same to you, but if you don't want too or can't, just focus on doing things for you and not him. He wants to treat you that way then let him go.

There are plenty of people with better experience in handling this and they will offer you better advice, so keep checking back.

My heart goes out to you and I hope everything gets better for you.

[xin]

Hi CCL,

I've also split on GAL and my reaction to it.

Have you tried to ask your H if he wanted to do something together? Instead of buying tickets for him to go to events, why don't you ask him if he wants to come with you?

[CrazyCatLady]

Thank you both for the responses. I've been considering talking to a DB coach. I think I will bite the bullet. MCLINAK, I hope your calls go well.


I'm so confused about what is pursuing/what isn't, and which should be a priority: not pursuing or changing behaviors. I would nag him about housework before, so now I just do it. He always thanks me now.

I have asked him if he wanted to do something together and he always says no. It breaks my heart every time, so I think I'm going to wait for him to ask me.

[pearlharbr]

If H is insisting that he wants D then start showing him what D looks like. Do not do his laundry, do not cook him meals, do not ask him to do anything, do not buy him gifts. Personally I would ask him to leave the house because he wants out. If that's not something you're willing to do then it's a bit more difficult. The key is to be upbeat and happy in his presence while moving forward with your own life. Do not be cold or snippy but treat him as you would a neighbor--exchanging pleasantries but nothing more.

Do focus on GAL and working on yourself. What did you contribute to the breakdown of the M? Have you started dealing with your issues? Remember that you cannot control anyone else's behavior, you can only control your own. Do things that make you happy. Buy a new outfit, change up your hair. It may sound shallow but looking good on the outside can make you happy on the inside.

The point is to let go of the outcome and focus on making your life a good one no matter what happens with your M.