H's A ended but no commitment to work on M....

[xin]

I've been posting at Newcomers and thought i should post here to get advice on what to do after my H's affair has ended.

I found out about H's EA in Dec 09, he asked me to consider a separation not long after that. In March 2010, I finally agreed to give him some space. I agreed to give him 3 months to make a decision about our M. While away, I initiated most of our contacts over phone or skype. Due to the distance, it was not possible to meet up during our separation.

In late May, my H asked me to visit for a weekend. H looked pretty happy to see me and couldn't keep his hands off on the first night. But he turned rather cold almost immediately after ML and continued to be distance the next day. He told me that night that he doesn't think it was possible for us to reconcile. I left the next evening as planned.

A week later I decided to give OW a call. She denied having an A with my H and claimed that she only thinks of him as a friend. As i didn't see a reason for her to lie, i decided that I would come back to my H after my short term contract work finished a month later.

My H agreed for me to stay with him while i'm in town. He even said I could sleep in our bed when I volunteerd to sleep on the couch. I led him to believe that I would move out when i get a job - i didn't give him any deadlines.

Since i've been back, in late June, a number of things happened:
1. the day after my return, my H bought a very expensive diamond earrings for OW but on the same day H told me they had a fight.
2. 2 weeks after, my H tried looking for a place for himself after I refused to move out. According to H, the OW was going to move in with him.
3. 3 weeks after, OW ended A with my H. I overheard their phone conversation where my H asked why she has been avoiding him. H told me the day OW broke up with him face to face - he asked for sex and I agreed.
4. Now, 4 weeks after returning, I am doing all I can to DB, doing 180 and a bit of GAL. My H has not said he wants to work on our M, in fact he asked me to move out again just this weekend. I told him i'm not financially able to move out and started to cry. My H apologised and said he was just missing OW.

I've decided to hang in here for at least 3 months as sooneone has said there is about 3 mths of withdrawal after the end of an affair.

I'm rather puzzled by my H's behaviour last few days - he almost appeared happy! I'm worried he might be in contact with OW again or OW2! I'm going out less in the weekend and continued to cook and do things around the house for him. He doesn't hesitate to ask me to run errands for him either, and has also asked if I'd do his taxes for him if he pays me. Am I allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?!

Other than 180 and a bit of GAL, what else can I do to increase our chances of reconciling? I've tried to ask H to go out but he has so far said no both times. Is it too early to initiate a date?

[SillyOldBear]

Am I allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?!

Don't think you'd ask that if you didn't think it was true. But yes, pretty clearly.

What is his motivation to treat you with any respect at all?
It's not that you'll leave, because you won't.
It's not that you won't give him sex whenever he wants, even to console him because some other woman dumped him, because you will and do.
It's not that you won't accept being treated like his employee, because you do accept it.

Why do you want to be married to him? I'm not asking that to be mean, there must be something, but it's certainly nothing you've described about him so far, is it? What's so great about this guy?

Conversely, why do you deserve the way he's treating you? Why are you the one making the effort to "go out less?" Did you flaunt an affair in his face? What is so awful about you that you don't deserve any better than to be cheated on, insulted, and used? Did you massacre a village of innocents somewhere?

[xin]

SOB,

I know i sound like a doormat. I've never had an affair. But I acknowledge that I have contributed to my H's A because of my failure to deal with issues we've had in our M even though my H had threatened divorce over them at least once before. I acknowledge that i've pushed him away over the years. Now, by standing by my H while DB and doing the 180, I'm trying to show my H my love for him and that I am able to change. I am hoping he will realise our M is not something he should just discard over an infatuation.

But if after all that i've done, my H still wants a D, then I know i've done all that I can and would have no regrets.

[Allen A]

Never blame yourself for any part of your H's affair.. tha'ts all HIS

You need to MONITOR him for three months xin, you can't just turn a blind eye to an addict and hope that they stay straight.

[MrBond]

"Other than 180 and a bit of GAL, what else can I do to increase our chances of reconciling? "

Rather than "a bit" of GAL, do A LOT of GAL. Start showing him (not telling) that he isn't the center of your universe. Now with the OW gone, it's your time to shine. Start dressing sexy and get yourself active without him.

You can include him in some things but not in all things. Instead of making him dinner automatically, make something for yourself and as an afterthought ask him if he wants some. What you do is get the focus off of his needs and onto yours.

YOu have to bring back a certain amount of self-respect in order to attract him back. Build yourself up and he'll follow.

[xin]

Thanks MB,

I was going out a lot a few weeks ago, but my H usually would respond by asking me when i'm moving out. My H doesn't have many friends and doesn't have any social life. I'm worried if I appear to have such a good time without him, it's going to make him more determined to end our M so he can start looking for someone else.

[Deep]

hi, I don't post that much these days and I hope you don't mind me popping in.

Xin - interesting choice of a user name, perchance you meant it to represent "heart" in another language?

You asked about cake-eating, and honestly, you're not just allowing him to cake-eat, you're baking him the cake too. I'll also suggest you keep to one thread if possible, and Newcomers does get a lot more traffic than other sections. I'm surprised that some of the vets here have not thrown some 2X4s your way.

Yo usaid you're doing all you can to DB, 180, and GAL. I don't mean to be rude, but what exactly does that mean? All I see are actions and (more worryingly) a mindset of the complete opposite.

You appear so (co-)dependent on your H it's scary. You're running your life and basing your emotions, actions, decisions, choices, self-respect and self-worth on his whims. I'm not even sure where to start but these points stand out for me:

- STOP wishing he would "get over" OW. There is nothing to indicate the A is over. Nothing. You can't trust what he or OW says.
- It's ridiculous that you picked up a morsel of info that it takes at least 3 months of separation to get over the withdrawal from OP and then base your hopes on that. Firstly, it can take longer, WAY longer. Secondly, that's in a good case scenario where there's some remorse, a full commitment to END the A with a full transparency plan etc. I know it's soul-destroying to wacth your spouse pine for someone else, but you need to look within yourself to deal with that and not leave it to his tender mercies.
- You're not just acting like a doormat. You're acting like a doormat that likes being a doormat and will continue to be a doormat. You'll never get his respect or affection back that way. You might as well just file for D yourself now if that's going to be your plan A.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I'm just being honest. Stop worrying over things you don't control, and love and respect yourself. Let H take ownership for his part of the mess. As Allen A puts it, that's ALL him.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Am I allowing him to have his cake and eat it too?!

YES.


Puppy

[xin]

SOB & Deep,

Thanks for your reply - they really got my attention.

When I was separated from my H, for 3 mths, I was happy most of the time. From that I know I can be happy without him. And I know it would be easier for me to leave than stay. But I'm choosing the later because I feel it is my duty to help my H through this period of his life and i think this is the "bad times" referred to in the marriae vow. But I am puttting a time limit to my sacrifice, whether he has got over OW by then or not. It is a time limit for my own benefit. I know by then I would be able to say to myself i've done all I can to save my M and would never look back with nay regret or remorse.

[xin]

Just found my H's profile and photo on a dating website! I think it's time to pack up now, don't you think?