Two weeks ago, after months of suspicious activity, I discovered shocking evidence that my wife was having an affair. I found out that she had a secret email account, and had been maintaining a heated affair with an old, abusive boyfriend who had resurfaced on the internet. I was devastated but also outraged - I had asked her about some very suspicious activity in the past (erotic texts to another man) and she denied that there was anything to it, and denied it when I asked her if she had anything going on with anybody. I confronted her about it immediately, and asked her sit down and explain it to me. At first she denied it. When I read her the proof she confessed, but continued to lie about the details. She left that night, taking both sets of keys. When she came back the next day, she was in tears, and very remorseful. My wife and I have not had sex in over six months - she refuses to sleep in the same room as me. She got down on the floor and begged me for forgiveness. I took her back, after I told her that I wanted her body (stupid - I know). I tried to stop several times before we had sex. I don't know what I was thinking - I guess the male animal part of me wanted that primitive symbol of reposing my woman. I am not a sexist, nor am I violently or verbally abusive (we are both hot heads). Two days later, in the most shocking manner, I came home from work and found two friends of hers in our house looking at me stonily, our two cats yowling in their carriers, and my wife moving all her personal effects into her car. She left me after having an affair. There is obviously more to the tragedy than this, and we have had a history of bad arguments, among other things, but through it all we have been best friends and soul mates. I wake up every morning wondering how my lovely wife could have done this to us and our families. It has been two weeks and I am at the end of my rope. I had to resign from a job that I loved, and have spent a fortune on therapy. I am trying to work things out between us, but she will not come home. I am completely lost. any advice or kind words would be appreciated, and I would be happy to answer any questions.
You are not going to get very good advice from me other than you need to have patience. I know that does not help you. She has to realize the grass is not greener on the other side. You need to change yourself into a better man that she might want to get back with. There are many ways to do this-get some self help books, exercise, work on your temper. Sorry that you are going through this, I know that it sucks.
OM does not have a wife: he is actually an old flame from HS, and he and I were friends back then - until he started to get more and more crazy. He got involved with my wife because he wanted revenge, after eight years (I have communicated to him that I know about the affair, and that it will not continue. The guy is a degenerate pervert and a womanizer who used to abuse my wife in psychotic ways (he once pointed an assault rifle at her and dry-fired it - she was 16). My FIL and I are good friends, and my FIL has a deep-seated hatred of the OM - but won't interfere, even though he is letting my wife stay at his house - at least I know that her family is keeping an eye out for her. FIL said that he would cut her out of the will if she continues to see OM. I don't think that she is continuing the affair, but all I have to go on is her word. She is very good at covering her tracks. It is an epistemological question: I only know what she tells me, therefore I don't really know anything.
Me 41/H 49 M 12yrs No Kids Bomb 1/10/2010 H Deployed The three great essentials to achieve anything worth while are, first, hard work; second, stick-to-itiveness; third, common sense. T. Edison
Yes, we have been in therapy on and off for two years. The therapist has advised us to separate. I am not happy with this decision, but I am willing to do anything to get my wife back.
Find a new therapist, one who has the goal of helping rebuild your relationship. MWD talks a lot in DB and DR about therapists with misaligned goals. They can do a lot of damage.
