Well, i moved to this forum. I am not getting back with my ex. I had already been doing good things in my life like I went back to school, I was working two jobs. I was succeding. Now, everything has been put on hold. I don't eat, sleep, exercise or do anything that I like. I just wallow in the pain and it is eating me up inside. I know what I am doing is wrong. I hate waking up each night 10-12 times and thinking about this. I hate the lies that she told that I believed. She betrayed me so badly that I do not want her back now that I know what I know. It was awful for her to do that to me. I am trying to get some goals and ambition but right now i am in the muck and get seem to get out. I feel useless and worthless. I am making my freinds and family sick of talking to me. Thaat dont understand why it bothers me so much. She did not want me anymore it was as simple as that.
Well, i moved to this forum. I am not getting back with my ex. I had already been doing good things in my life like I went back to school, I was working two jobs. I was succeding. Now, everything has been put on hold. I don't eat, sleep, exercise or do anything that I like. I just wallow in the pain and it is eating me up inside. I know what I am doing is wrong. I hate waking up each night 10-12 times and thinking about this. I hate the lies that she told that I believed. She betrayed me so badly that I do not want her back now that I know what I know. It was awful for her to do that to me. I am trying to get some goals and ambition but right now i am in the muck and get seem to get out. I feel useless and worthless. I am making my freinds and family sick of talking to me. Thaat dont understand why it bothers me so much. She did not want me anymore it was as simple as that.
Of course it bothers you. It's supposed to bother you. You're supposed to feel like crap because she is important to you. But take care of yourself and move on. It's not going to be easy and the pain won't go away any time soon, but it will lessen over time.
Am I correct in recalling that she had substance abuse issues?
Yes, she is an addict, that has been in rehab many times. It is impossible to love someone like this or help them. I should have gotten out a long time ago. She cannot have a R when she is on the pills. She will lie and love anyone that will do something for her. She will use anyone.I don't see substance abuse on her very much so I would like to know how others handle it. I am not here to bash her anymore or to win her back. I want to be better for myself. I want to have my life back. Not this, not what I have. It is the darkest worst place in the world. I was sucicidal last week. Now I am trying to pick myself up. Well that is a long way to go. But, with you guys help maybe I can. No, I am sure I can. I want to sleep and eat. I just don't.
Yes, she is an addict, that has been in rehab many times. It is impossible to love someone like this or help them. I should have gotten out a long time ago. She cannot have a R when she is on the pills. She will lie and love anyone that will do something for her. She will use anyone.I don't see substance abuse on her very much so I would like to know how others handle it. I am not here to bash her anymore or to win her back. I want to be better for myself. I want to have my life back. Not this, not what I have. It is the darkest worst place in the world. I was sucicidal last week. Now I am trying to pick myself up. Well that is a long way to go. But, with you guys help maybe I can. No, I am sure I can. I want to sleep and eat. I just don't.
Dude
You can't DB a substance abuser. This is not your fault. I bear responsibility for what happened to my relationship. You do not. I'm not saying that you were perfect. I don't know that, but it doesn't matter. You can't have a healthy relationship with a drug addict. That problem has to be solved first and that's not something you can take onto yourself.
No, I realize that now after nine years. She will not quit, told me the other day she is not quiting. Has been doing her pills latly and flip flops around so much that I'm almost too crazy to think anymore. Anything she says could be a lie. You can not trust one thing she says or does. It is awful to try to be with someone like this. They tell you they love you and then change their mind the next day. They make love to you and then hate you the next day. It is crazy. It is so unbelievable. Her parents have kicked her out of the house, her brothers have also. She really has just a few places left to go. I imagine only the good times instead of the bad. I don't want to think about any of it. I just want to be me again. Why cant I do this. Why must I wallow every night thinking about this and have it pop into my head all through the day. I hate her then I love her, I feel sorry for her and then I want her to have pain. It is a sucky place that I am in. I want to let go. I will not talk to her or read an email from her. I can't do this to myself again. It has been a yoyo for years. I just believed it would get better. I should be over this by now or atleast not this bad.
I put this in another post but I have always replaced one girl after a break up. It has been the only way to get me over the first. I have gone for years in depression before I met someone that gets me out of it. No, I don't tell them I am still yearning for other women. I know that is not healthy. I dated alot in april and was having fun. When my ex married a guy she had just met it just floored me. We had just went on vacation and talked about getting married. We had been talking on the phone sending emails about how much she loved me and then got married. She is a pill head and I know they respond strangely to things. I do not want this feeling ever again. We had broken up many times and got back togeather, she has been to rehad many times, it is just not going to work because she is not going to quit. I do not want it back. I dont know what she wants. She called last week and told me she made a mistake her place is with me, we were made for each other. I told she could come back and I would forgive this. She could get marriage annulled. She said she would and then didn't show up, I guess changed her mind. This is my feeling and heart that she is destroying with no care in the world. I want out. I want to be healed. I want new relationship, not marriage, not sex, just someone to hand with that likes me for me and doesn't want to use me for my money. What do you say to that? I just cant get out of the pain.
Does WAS feel any of this pain? I have always wondered. Yes, she cries when she see me and sometimes when she calls. But I am not taking any calls from her again. She has someone new. I just wonder if she will wake up and feel bad for the damage that she caused me or if it really doesn't matter to her. She says she is happy one day and says she feels alone the next. I can not talk to her-weither it is good or bad talk it always turns out bad for me. My dang brain keeps thoughts of her cycling through hour on the hour. And these are good thoughts-not the bad ones when she was screwing up. It just doesn't make any sense that I would want to feel pain but I think I do. I think I really want to feel this way. I don't know why. I can't understand it. I am ruining my life and I can see it going up right in smoke. I am doing poorly in school(way behind) and I am an A student. This little rat didn't care about me one bit. She actted like it and used me to a tee. Just like her mother told me. When I thought about it I could see the facts. I just never had before. I really thought that she was the one. The one made for me as I am sure most of you did too. I just want to know if they feel this kind of pain sometime or is it lessened by the fact that they know that we wanted them back and they we felt such great pain? I don't know it just doesn't seem to fair. That one would hurt for the R so badly and the other just continues on as if nothing happened. Like it was no big deal. Let me tell you again-I did nothing wrong here in this R. I was always there for her, sent her money that I didn't really have. Treated like a queen. I couldn't have done anything different or better to improve this. We broke up before and I made the changes. She never did. She told me she was stopping drugs and that she wanted us but she really didn't she wanted to be taken care of. Sad story. But true. I really didn't do anything wrong to cause this.
Well, another day and I am still feeling sorry for myself. Maybe not as bad a the last two. Dreamed about the situation all night long. Dreamed that things were normal again that this was just a nightmare. It really sucked to wake up. I feel like my problem is worse then everyone elses but I know it is not. We are mad at each other right now so I know that we will probably never talk again. I don't think I will ever see her again. It is kind of a sick feeling. I told this person all my deepest secrets, my goals, my thoughts, my life and know she could give a rat's behind about me. She is moved 600 miles away, started her new life and forgotten all about me and our family. I guess we had grown apart, I was working two full time jobs and going to school. I just can't believe that she is now married to someone else. It is insane. I can't get it through my head that she is not mine anymore. The one person that I used to talk to about my problems is gone. I feel so alone and lost.
Dreamed about the situation all night long. Dreamed that things were normal again that this was just a nightmare.
How is your GAL stuff going?
One day you will be enjoying life, come home exhausted, fall asleep and have a nightmare, and the nightmare will be that you were back in that R with it exactly like it was and with you exactly like you were.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
