Hello all, haven't posted in a while, but I've come across a sticking point in my sitch and was wondering what others thought.
What do you consider "contact" with the OP?
In my sitch, my WAW ended the affair, but had repeatedly tried to remain friends with him last winter. After a few months of me standing my ground, she finally ended that friendship, or so I thought. (they work together). She seems to think that if she is in a public place and he happens to be there, it is okay to exchange pleasantries with him. Plus I had also found out she had put his number back in her phone, and re-friended him on facebook. He has me blocked so I created a new account and found it. She defriended him when I called her on it, but was pissed. "It's just fb, who cares?" Um, I do!!!
She has also been taking our children to his uncle's farm, who lives next door and has a pond. To me, even if the other man isn't there, that's contact. Anything remotely involving his family is contact. They could be the greatest people in the world, but that is a threat to my marriage. She gets very mad when I confront her on this. Am I crazy? I don't think I'm out of line by saying they have to go as well. We are still not officially reconciling at this point, it's better, but this is a major hangup for me.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
She thinks I'm controlling her and giving her rules. The only thing I've asked her for is no contact. She doesn't get it. She'll text saying that it's just her and the kids there at the pond, nobody else. Doesn't matter, how do I know.
How do I explain to her that it's not controlling, and that we have to have this in order to reconcile?
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
Yesterday when she sent me a picture text of my son fishing at his family's pond, I simply responded "I can't accept that kind of involvement". This morning I sent a text saying "If you cannot give up contact with him and his family then we need to divorce, I can't live with that". She was pissed and said "she'd deal with me later", and was disrespectful today. After reading the above post, sounds controlling.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
It got pretty bad this afternoon when I again confronted her about the contact. She keeps insisting there's no contact. I think contact to her means doing things together and sex. She always fires back with "we haven't done that in 6+ months". Think I'll calmly wait to have a discussion about what contact is (tomorrow's my birthday, don't want to ruin it!). It is so maddening that I have to explain it.
It is my dealbreaker.
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
I hear ya on that. Backslid too many times. She actually posted pics on fb today of the kids at the OM's family pond. I am not happy about it. But, today is my birthday, so I want it to be low stress. I'll talk to her tomorrow about it. Gonna sit her down and ask her what she thinks contact is, then explain to her what it really is.
On a positive note, found out my sister went into labor this morning....might be sharing my birthday with my new niece/nephew!
M 32 WAW 34 D - 5 S - 4 PA 1/09 Moved out 3/09 She filed 5/09 90 Day Postponement 11/09 State Dismissed case 4/10 Moved home 9/10
