SHE SAYS "There is a difference between photos/sex chats/phone sex and PHYSICAL CONTACT. She said she can't and won't have physical contact with anyone else, but anything other than that is HER business.
Just like she said she can "date" people but won't sleep with them.
A whole lot of rationalizing going on here.
Ya, I ain't even going to touch that... I think you know its all Bullchit...
I think you and I need to work on a letter that sets the record straight and send it to her mother as well so your wife doens't change the presentation.
It's just going to be a letter asking to be left to yourself wtihout any further yelling, lies, or abuse from either of them.
And detailing your choice to live in your home and how you will manage the home and your lifestyle while you are there.
Obviously you can't get this across in person with two women who can't control their tempers.
Q : Have you looked into the law at all surrounding her and the home while she's not living there?
I suppose there is no written agreement about how that's to be handled until a sale if any comes along?
I think its important to make sure that you have some legal support for your position you are taking is all...
You may find that if you are going to use the home until its sold that you have to pay her rent or something silly like that. Who knows... before you go further you need to find out what the law says if you haven't found out yet.
I hate to say it, QS, but as long as you're in that house, and she's paying half, I think you're going to continue to put up with this bullchit, over and over and over and . . .
It's like when my teenaged and college-aged daughters would object to my "control" in their lives. I would point out to them that "You say you want to be independent, but as long as I'm paying for half your college expenses (or living in my house, etc.), then I'm sorry, you're NOT 'independent'."
If you want to be free and clear of all of that, you need to be free and clear.
Clearly it's not possible to engage in discussing this in a civilized manner in person.
I am taking the time to write this out in the hopes it will clarify things for you both.
When our marriage became troubled I took the time to explore marriage therapy, do research, and invite you Mrs. QS to do the same.
You Mrs QS chose to refuse.
I gave you an opportunity to explore counseling and you took that offer and threw it away.
When you filed for divorce I gave you the opportunity to live here respectfully with each other until our divorce was final.
I gave you an opportunity to live here and you took that offer and chose to commit adultery with online sex chats and phone sex with a married man in secret.
I gave and you took.
Our marriage had problems like any other. I took ownership of my 50% like a mature adult. I am willing to own my half of the problems with our marriage and accept that and a divorce.
What I cannot accept in good conscience is my being accused of not being generous or cooperative.
Each step outlined above is your choice made to drive conflict to its peak and make an otherwise civil divorce ugly. I will not have an ugly divorce.
You turned down counseling, you filed for divorce, you committed adultery with a married man, and when I stood up for myself against these insults you chose to move out.
You made your bed my dear and I am afraid you will have to lie in it.
I gave many chances - many chances - and you took those chances and offered abuse in return.
I will not be disrespected or abused any further.
I will live in the home I have lived in and I will not be forced to move elsewhere by bullying or lies any further.
I gave, and you took. I am giving no more.
I will live in my home. I will live the lifestyle I choose to live.
I gave an offer of counseling, I gave an offer of monogamous commitment until the divorce was final, I gave and you took and I will give no more.
I will not have an ugly divorce. If you want that then go have it elsewhere.
My commitments to you, you forfeited. I gave and you took.
I am living in my home and I will live there the way I chose to.
The home will be clean, maintained, and even improved for the chance of sale in the future. Until such time I will live there and I will live the life I chose to - a healthy honest life. A life free of your lies, free of your cheating, and free of your temper.
Should you chose to visit you will visit between the hours of 10 am and 8 pm and you will make a 24 hour notice beforehand.
When you visit you will be polite, you will be honest, and you will control your temper or you will be asked to leave.
You are more than welcome to view the home to ensure it is maintained, but I will not allow you to dictate my lifestyle to me... Mine has been thus far much healthier, constructive, and honest than yours.
I hate to say it, QS, but as long as you're in that house, and she's paying half, I think you're going to continue to put up with this bullchit, over and over and over and . . .
It's like when my teenaged and college-aged daughters would object to my "control" in their lives. I would point out to them that "You say you want to be independent, but as long as I'm paying for half your college expenses (or living in my house, etc.), then I'm sorry, you're NOT 'independent'."
If you want to be free and clear of all of that, you need to be free and clear.
Puppy
He's workin on it pupper. I think QS wants to buy the home outright or go in halfsies with someone else...
I lived in an apartment for eight years and it was hell. I don't blame anyone for wanting to live in their own home.
Clearly it's not possible to engage in discussing this in a civilized manner in person.
I am taking the time to write this out in the hopes it will clarify things for you both.
When our marriage became troubled I took the time to explore marriage therapy, do research, and invite you Mrs. QS to do the same.
You Mrs QS chose to refuse.
I gave you an opportunity to explore counseling and you took that offer and threw it away.
When you filed for divorce I gave you the opportunity to live here respectfully with each other until our divorce was final.
I gave you an opportunity to live here and you took that offer and chose to commit adultery with online sex chats and phone sex with a married man in secret.
I gave and you took.
Our marriage had problems like any other. I took ownership of my 50% like a mature adult. I am willing to own my half of the problems with our marriage and accept that and a divorce.
What I cannot accept in good conscience is my being accused of not being generous or cooperative.
Each step outlined above is your choice made to drive conflict to its peak and make an otherwise civil divorce ugly. I will not have an ugly divorce.
You turned down counseling, you filed for divorce, you committed adultery with a married man, and when I stood up for myself against these insults you chose to move out.
You made your bed my dear and I am afraid you will have to lie in it.
I gave many chances - many chances - and you took those chances and offered abuse in return.
I will not be disrespected or abused any further.
I will live in the home I have lived in and I will not be forced to move elsewhere by bullying or lies any further.
I gave, and you took. I am giving no more.
I will live in my home. I will live the lifestyle I choose to live.
I gave an offer of counseling, I gave an offer of monogamous commitment until the divorce was final, I gave and you took and I will give no more.
I will not have an ugly divorce. If you want that then go have it elsewhere.
My commitments to you, you forfeited. I gave and you took.
I am living in my home and I will live there the way I chose to.
The home will be clean, maintained, and even improved for the chance of sale in the future. Until such time I will live there and I will live the life I chose to - a healthy honest life. A life free of your lies, free of your cheating, and free of your temper.
Should you chose to visit you will visit between the hours of 10 am and 8 pm and you will make a 24 hour notice beforehand.
When you visit you will be polite, you will be honest, and you will control your temper or you will be asked to leave.
You are more than welcome to view the home to ensure it is maintained, but I will not allow you to dictate my lifestyle to me... Mine has been thus far much healthier, constructive, and honest than yours.
That is a good letter Allen. I copied it and I am working on it now.
My wife asked me several times today about who wanted certain pictures ect. There are certain other things too that are sentimental that she asked about too.
I could see some pain in her face, I THINK. I don't know. We haven't talked any more about the whole "dating" thing either. In fact, she just came up to me now and asked if I saw a cute thing one of the cats was doing. HUH? It was in a soft and calm voice. And her mom was all the way in the basement just now too.
She was perfectly nice all day, but her mom has been here though.
But I will work on that letter, but ANYTHING I have tried with her to get my point across ALWAYS ends up making her think
1) I am still attached and clinging
2) I am "all over the place" with my thoughts words and emotions, and I am INCONSTANT and IRRATIONAL.
Last edited by Quicksilver264; 08/08/1006:25 PM.
Me - 32 Her -30 Married - 7 Years Together - 9 Years No Kids 05/21 - Bomb 6/8 - Exposed 7/9 - Re-Exposed 06/11 - She Filed
QS, what she SAYS isn't necessarily what she actually thinks.
Your wife is all over the place emotionally. You cannot invest ten years into a home and a marriage and NOT fall apart when its ending... She's feeling the effects just like you, but you have learned how to handle them with maturity.
It may very well be the case that now :
a. Some of your good example is finally catching on with her b. SOme of her anger may be dissipating... we warned you it does soften after a few months c. Her mother is there so she knows she has to keep an act up. d. She is feeling the pain of divorce and can't hide it anymore
It could be any mixture of these possibilities... pick any you like...
The point is with all of the above going on, what she says isn't worth anything. Ignore 100% of what she says and 50% of what she does is the guideline.
I think your wife's projecting here. I think SHE feels the attachment haunting her still, particularly given that you are showing a lot of maturity. I think SHE doens't like being haunted by her attachment for you and she's projecting that on you and that's why she can't shut up.
I think both 1 and 2 above is just her projecting what's going on with HER right now... She's transparent as hell in my opinion.
Dude, this is classic psychology.. People criticize others and reveal their own thoughts when they do it.
Do you know how many cheating spouses on this forum have turned and accused their LBS of :
a. Lying b. Cheating c. Sabotaging chances of repairing a marriage
?
Your wife in my opinion is
1) Still attached and clinging
2) "All over the place" with her thoughts words and emotions, and she is INCONSTANT and IRRATIONAL.
Ya, its a repeat of what she said...
Seriously dude, I think she's projecting and revealing her inner turmoil...
Just act like you are indifferent and steer clear.
Any photos offer to scan and print... that saves argument.
