I was asked as many others, to start a new thread do to length. Since I just posted a recap last week, thought I would start with it:
Here's a recap (for my own benefit as well as anyone else's who may want to chime in).
2 1/2 months ago H says he thinks he wants out: all my fault, of course: some issues I do believe are valid that he brings up but not enough to warrant D. H claims he only give 40% chance of M working out because he doesn’t believe I can change – that we are not good for each other.
Reactions: at first I tried reasoning with him, to no avail. I was lucky I’d read Dobson because I knew better than to beg or plead. I did make changes that addressed H’s complaints. I also became suspicious because I figured OW had to be involved somehow. (H had online A 13 years ago.) He denied anything like that saying I was using that as an “out” rather than facing up to my own issues. I snooped some – on his cellphone and FB account (had his password at the time). Found some things I didn’t care for, but nothing really damaging. He discovered my snooping and got snippy. I gave him an “I give up” speech – that he could do what he wanted – I could not control his behavior but wasn’t going to stand by and take it either.
Results: Worst weekend to date after that. H slept in office and did apt research. That Sun night I received a text msg by mistake he meant for an old GF discussing the old days of them having sex. When confronted he claimed he was leaving anyway. Big fight – kids found out about D being laid on the table, were very upset. However, that night, H ended up back in our room. I began IC the next day.
From there: big email exchange (posted on Callasdad’s thread – can post here if anyone wants to see it) with discussion of R. Good job, but didn’t know about DBing or Exposing or the likes yet. H stopped all talks of leaving M. I found DB and started GAL and 180s and H has not slept in office anymore. His behavior has vacillated, however, sometimes being warm other times being completely detached. At first, I thought we were on the road to total reconciliation because H even wanted to go to MC. After his first (and only) appt, however, he has not mentioned going back. FT says he is not ready to take any responsibility for his 50%. He went alone and spouted all the stuff about me ruining our finances and my depression issues being a complete excuse… etc. H made the comment to me that he appreciated all the big changes I’ve made. BUT…he also made the comment that he wasn’t sure he could ever feel “that way” about me again. He loved me and was attracted to me physically, loved me but not in love with me… His actions seem to indicate there is no A but I do believe there was possibly an EA or the start of one, in all this. He longer seeks to be outside the home or acts suspiciously, however, does keep his cell close by him at all times still. FT does not seem to believe there is PA.
Overall climate: At first, H went out of his way when he saw me upset to hold me, hug me, comfort me. (guilt maybe???) These days, he does not. Of course, these days I’m not acting upset anymore – no crying or acting hurt. His anger has subsided and he is very appreciative of anything I do for him. We do things together – mostly with the kids – and he acts fine. He makes absolutely no attempt though to be affectionate towards me. Well, except if he wants sex and then he reaches out. There’s been no talk of leaving or wanting out or about the R at all in 2 weeks. Things are very civil. Yet, there’s also been no talk of him returning to counseling or him saying ILY or anything else like that. I don’t know what to make of this.
Specific Examples: H is out of town. He makes sure to call me at night and is friendly, discussing his day and where he’s at. Asks quickly about my day but not in any detail. He seems to stay on the phone with me for no particular reason, yet does not say ILY when it’s time to go. Contrast: a month ago when he went to Vegas and was saying he was pretty sure he wanted out, he called me and said what a great time he was having, and said ILY when he went to hang up. This is most confusing to me! Why was he saying ILY back when he was also saying he wanted out – and not saying it now, after giving up all the weird behavior and constant talk of getting out???
Oh – and btw: when I came home from my first counseling session and when he came home from Vegas, he practically attacked me. Is that not strange???
SO: here is my dilemma: according to DBing, I shouldn’t bring up R talk to H or discuss him returning to FT: it should be his idea or his initiating conversation. How am I supposed to know if I am in reconciliation mode (making myself the better option, trying to reconnect with him) or if he is still “out there” and I should still be detaching and in total tough mode??? I’m very confused!
As you can see in my above post, the FT isn’t helping me with these specifics, so I guess I’m just looking for other opinions and some direction. I know to continue GAL and 180s, but don’t know what, exactly, that all entails right now or how to draw him in. Do I try Seeing Red’s approach of late or am I to be the hard-to-get challenge because he’s still not falling in line???
I know that if H is truly committed to restoring the M that he has to be willing to let me see that darn cellphone – and give me email/FB passwords – whenever I ask… but I don’t know if it is the time to bring that up yet. And how am I to know if I’m not supposed to initiate R talk???
As for update: Unless H decides he wants to go to FT, I am going to go only once a month now as I feel the once a week isn't necessary for me, personally.
The last advice given by FT was to just keep doing what I'm doing: be the responsible adult in the home; don't try to hold H's feet to the fire, but don't be afraid to keep him responsible when it concerns family stuff; keeping GAL and doing things for me. I agree with all those - and the biggest - to have patience! That's hard. I figure I'm doing all this changing and improving myself and I can't understand why H isn't falling in line! I guess it is progress that he stopped talking about leaving and is being a part of the family, even if somewhat detached. However, I am looking for a full partner again!
The one thing I disagree on with FT, somewhat, is the issue of OW and whether or not there is one, and bringing that to light. She seems to think that it does me no good to try to figure that out, that it will be revealed in time if need be. I feel the need to be more proactive. BUT...even so, I have had no luck. The only possibility would be an EA and not PA really - unless they are getting together during working hours. He doesn't even have a car at work: takes the bus into the city. I (or D) drives him to/from the bus stop. He comes home when he's supposed to and rarely does anything now without me or the kids. Yes, he could still be using computer/phone. I've had no luck getting into either of those. He doesn't use either while he's at home, for the most part, so if there is an EA, it is also limited to work hours. I never see him texting and he doesn't even bother bringing his laptop home half the time. Even if there is something on laptop or cell, I believe he would be smart enough to delete it.
Right now things are pleasant with us: not close, but pleasant. There's nothing I feel I can do to reconnect if he does not want to seek help. I'm discouraged that I don't have what I want in a spouse right now, but feel helpless to make it so. He has to be willing to participate fully!
I am frustrated today. H continues to do nothing around the house but play on the stupid XBox. We're talking 8pm - 3am last night and is back on it again already today. I ask myself why he makes no effort to reconnect with me or do anything for the M. My answer is this: I feel H must be getting his emotional needs met elsewhere: whether through email, texts, or phone calls... he is withdrawn from me because he is listening to someone else. I have basically ruled out a PA because there is just no available time for it. There's no reason though why he can't be emailing or texting someone else during working hours and getting his fix.
Here's the thing: what the heck do I do about it??? Is there anything I can do?! I can't catch him at it. Would it do any good at this point to demand the Blackberry and passwords or do I have to wait until he seems vested enough in our R that he would be willing to have full transparency? It's obviously easy enough for him to cover his tracks in all of this.
My options, it seems, are these:
1. Status Quo: remain in this detached R until something gives (continuing to DB)
2. Initiate conversation about R and see what he has to say about it. If he says he wants to work on M, lay down the law on transparency. If he says he still is not sure (and basically wants to continue to cake eat) then lay down the law and state absolutely no sexual contact.
3. Be patient and try to gather more intel. I'm thinking at this point it will take a professional because Im not getting anywhere!
The FT didn't really have much practical advice on this so I'm not sure what to do. She sees my only option as #1. I guess pushing for #2 would mean I have to initiate conversation about R which LBS's are not supposed to do. However, how am I supposed to show any self respect by just living with cake eating???
I suppose there could truly be nothing going on in the way of EA. Maybe it stopped and he is still withdrawn... but I don't see letting him continue on and living the good life at home as motivating H to break it off if there is one - which we all know is important to do asap.
