I used this site about 10 years ago when my first M was on the rocks. It worked for a while, then my 1st W and I decided we were better off, young and no kids. Now 2nd chapter moved to TX, met W #2 soon after my move. Was reserved about getting involved quickly, but it happened. Been together almost 8 years, separated in 11/07 she had an affair, I was non existent as a father and husband, so I dont blame her completely. Reconciled in 5/07 been together ever since. The last year has been tough again, I have been drinking more, I work in 2 highly stressful occupations, housing and Law Enforcement. We have a 5 year son and a 3 year old daughter. Now I will get in to the issues at hand.
My W has had serious issues with her upbringing. Lost her mother to cancer at 10 years old, raised by different family members after that. She deals with a lot of baggage and abandonment issues. She doesnt say she doesnt love me anymore, just that I have anger issues and that she will not be vulnerable to m, she is afraid of letting her guard down and going back to the ways thing were which made us both unhappy. I have not had a drink in 6 days and am going to quit completely. I have gone to 2 meetings and will continue to work on myself. I am very upset about this, but I know there is nothing I can do other than give her space. I will not pursue, I will be happy and funny and loving when I am around them, which I know she will say that we are better for our children apart than together.I am eaten up inside and she is of course acting like all is fine. I am moving in with my Brother this weekend, and need to focus on ME. This is so hard for me to deal with on top of everthing else negative in my life, and yet it seems so easy for the WAW.
ok, I agreed to move in with my brother for a while, but an attorney friend of mine told me If I left, I would be deserting de facto with regards to my children. If this goes to the D, then I could get killed in court. The issue I have is that if I recant on the fact I agreed to give space by staying with my brother, she will look at it as controlling behavior and blow up, any thoughts?
Im not going home, I was going to move out sunday night, but now I am being told, bad idea. If she wants to spearate then she needs to get out. I am doing very good on the no drinking. tomorrow will be 7 days clean. Feel good, hitting the gym harder. W is sleeping in the guest room me in our room. We are both still wearing our rings, we discussed not changing things on our facebook pages, no ones biz as to our sitch. She actually posted pics of me and the kids on her page tonight. Her aunt, who knows a lot about AA psoted an AA saying on my Facebook, and my W called her and got mad at her for doing so thinking I would take offense to it. Her aunt is thinking if you are done with this man why are you being protective like that? in any case I am not going to bring up the issue of deserting the kids, and how I can be shooting myself in the foot if I do. She is taking the kids to her grandmothers house tomorrow night. I am going to go to a special AA speaker tomorrow night and church on Sunday. She is expecting me to start taking things to my Brothers sunday, but I have to address the issue that I do not feel comfortable leaving due to the fact I will not abandon my children, which TX does have an abandonment clause in the divorce proceedings.
I know its not controlling, and I have read some of Robx input on other threads. She will explode when I tell her I am not going anywhere she will think its me being controlling. just left the house with the kids to go to G'mas for the night. She is expecting me to be out tomorrow, but when she returns I am going to tell her im not going anywhere, i belong here with my kids. If you want to go, go. I will not be hateful, angry or rude but as understanding as I can be. She has noticed me being upbeat, and has texted me and sent 2 pics and a video of them singing on the drive just in the last 20 minutes. She left wearing her rings, and she has been communicating more in the last three days than she has in the last 3 weeks. I know the reason she goes to her family, they listen to her and validate her perspective of me and our M. They will not tell her she is wrong, or making mistakes. Even her own Aunt has told me the problems at our home is her and not me. But her aunt also says you cannot fix her, the tough part is the space is needed. I will propose to her that we stay in separate rooms and we work on ourselves. will not pressure R, M or any joint counseling. What kills me the most is she says she is probably better off not in any R, or that she does not know how to be in a R or M? any thoughts?
ok, I agreed to move in with my brother for a while, but an attorney friend of mine told me If I left, I would be deserting de facto with regards to my children. If this goes to the D, then I could get killed in court. The issue I have is that if I recant on the fact I agreed to give space by staying with my brother, she will look at it as controlling behavior and blow up, any thoughts?
thoughts? yeah I have a few LOL! you are afraid of "recanting" on the fact that you agreed to give space but it's ok with you that she had an affair and now wants space?!
You are allowed to change your mind, I'll say it again just in case you need things repeated several times, You are allowed to change your mind.
She changed her mind about your relationship together, am I right? First she wanted to be with you, then she had an affair and now she wants space to continue having an affair or to pursue another relationship with another man.
It would seem to me that she has changed her mind and made decisions without worrying about the impact of those decisions on you and your life.
You are allowed to change your mind.
Frame it this way:
"Wife I agree that you want space, I think it's a good idea but I've changed my mind, I'm staying in the home, I believe that if you want space, you should go find yourself another place to live and find that space that you need from me. You decided you don't want to be with me anymore, you decided to have an affair and you have decided you want space, you can have all of that, somewhere else because I'M DECIDING TO STAY HERE. You should start looking for another place and if you need help packing and moving, let me know and I'll be there to help you."
If she brings up the fact that you agreed to leave, you will just say: "I changed my mind, I'm allowed to change my mind just like you were allowed to change your mind about us and do whatever you wanted. You wanting me to leave is you trying to control me, I'm not controlling you, you can leave if you want to, I won't stand in your way but this is my home and I've decided I'm staying and I don't want to discuss this anymore."
That's how it's done.
Do you have the balls to stand up to her? It's important that you do stand up to her. In fact it's a requirement. The fact that you are afraid to do so highlights the significance of this requirement so just do it.
I know its not controlling, and I have read some of Robx input on other threads. She will explode when I tell her I am not going anywhere she will think its me being controlling. just left the house with the kids to go to G'mas for the night. She is expecting me to be out tomorrow, but when she returns I am going to tell her im not going anywhere, i belong here with my kids. If you want to go, go. I will not be hateful, angry or rude but as understanding as I can be. She has noticed me being upbeat, and has texted me and sent 2 pics and a video of them singing on the drive just in the last 20 minutes. She left wearing her rings, and she has been communicating more in the last three days than she has in the last 3 weeks. I know the reason she goes to her family, they listen to her and validate her perspective of me and our M. They will not tell her she is wrong, or making mistakes. Even her own Aunt has told me the problems at our home is her and not me. But her aunt also says you cannot fix her, the tough part is the space is needed. I will propose to her that we stay in separate rooms and we work on ourselves. will not pressure R, M or any joint counseling. What kills me the most is she says she is probably better off not in any R, or that she does not know how to be in a R or M? any thoughts?
Yes she will be angry, expect it, now that you know she will be angry, prepare for it, how do you prepare for it, realize that her getting angry is her losing control over you. Now that you know what this is about, you can relax, it is only words and she can spew forth every word in the book and when she starts saying mean & hurtful things to you, turn your back and walk away and tell her that you will no longer discuss this or anything else in the future with her until she is ready to discuss things like a mature adult, until then, the discussion is over.
As for staying in separate rooms, tell her that you will stay in the master bedroom (yes YOU not her) and she can stay in another room.
Then tell her that you will both need to pick a time to discuss this situation with your kids and let them know what's going on.
You take the lead in this process, instead of holding it back, you move with it's flow, you don't impede the process, you go with it, she wants out, she wants away from you, you give it to her along with her space which she can have but she can move out and get her "space", you will stay at home with your kids because that is where you need to be, with your kids.
I will have the time to prepare for tomorrow, and yes I have the balls to stand up to her. Whe we separated 3 years ago, i waffled at first, then put my foot down, and told her I packed your stuff and go beo with your OM. It was ugly then, Im trying to make it less ugly now, but after reading more and more info, I have to stay firm and let her do what she needs to do. Thank you for the brutally honest approach I do need it from time to time.
I forgot to mention, the A was with the last separation, she was very obvious about it, wasnt hard to figure out. This go round, I dont believe there is one now, but I am not letting my guard down. My wife is a beautiful woman and I am sure there is some idiot out there telling her everything she wants to here. She is a person who needs the constant attention, which has made me realize, If i get tired trying to give it to her constantly, do I really want to stay in this M either? I love her, but a M cannot strive on love alone, I am tired.
I went to a listen to a speaker at an AA meeting tnight, very helpful. I do not believe I am an alcoholic, but someone who realized their drinking was becoming excessive and did not want to go down the route that so many others hove gone. The meetings are also insughtful to what others go through with everyday life and why the climb into a bottle to cope. I got out of my meeting and sent a text to my W, saying- I assume you made it to gma's ok? her response 20 minutes later, "yup". I just now received a phone call from the W's cell it was my 3 year old and 5 year old wanting to talk to me. Of course the W did not get on the phone at all, I could hear her in the background telling them to say I love you and hurrying them off the phone. She is so checked out of reality and what is happening to our family it makes me sick, I am getting to the point where my family is saying that allowing her another seperation is enabling her to stay in Limbo, do waht she wants and not work on the marriage. They want me to tell her to put up, or get out and do your thing. Which in a way is what I am going to do tomorrow when I tell her she wants out, leave.
I am not going to be the one who leaves. Should be interesting when they get home and she doesnt see any of my stuff packed up.
