Sounds kind of like some of my story. I went back to school and got my BAS while my ex was out of my life. I am working on my MBA right now and ex and I are having trouble. I can't study. I am so upset by this break up that I just can't. I should have stayed away from her. This was important to me and I am going to fail out because I can't concentrate. I read and don't remember a word on the page. My ex went and married someone she knew for 5 days for a quick update while takeing pills, she has a pill problem. Now she is saying she made a mistake and wants to come back but her actions-she doesn't seem to be leaving to me. She is just trying to keep me on the ropes if she needs me and that is if. It is crazy and driving me the same way. It is easy to say study but I just can't. I have tried. I can't remember anything and it's hard to read through tears. I am a fool.
You need to really detach and let her live her new life. Do you have your goals in your journal? How many have to accomplished?
I understand about the studying part. I had times like that too. I finally realized though, that if I was going to finish I needed to get over my anger and focus on me. New haircut, new clothes, fun. And then I dove into my classes. Stopped taking H's phone calls when I needed to read or write. Stopped accepting invites to dinner or a movie or whatever. It helped me, but it also sent the message that I was moving on. Finished with a 4.0 too.
Soxfan- Sorry I didnt see your post when i posted. The truth of the matter is that you have to do these things for you. If you are looking for a pat on the back, tell him when he says something like that, that you feel hurt. If you don't he will continue to speak that way.
As for him listening. My wife swears I have ADD. To be honest, I just internalize so much. I feel like I'm always thinking about different things. Even when she talks to me. I found out recently that have epilepsy. That much of my behavior can be contributed to that as well as my problems with listening.
Did you have an affair and come clean about. Maybe not while with him? Perhaps thats why he might accuse. However, again his jealousy is his feeling. If you want to turn it around, his jealousy could be construed as being insecure or not knowing where he stands. I know thats exactly what my wife was worried about. I have never cheated in any relationship. In fact I have backed away from some women (back in my younger years) that I thought were involved with other people. Couldnt handle the drama. Perhaps he is jealous because he doesn't know how much you love him. That's what my wife did. Coincidentally, when I found out my wife had an affair, guess who became the jealous one...... ME. When she asked for a separation, I basically thought she didnt love me. When we got back together, I was insecure and thought she was still having an affair.
Married 10 Together 13 ILYB 1/4/2010 Separated: 1/4/2010 Moved back in 1/28/2010 Reconciled 3/14/2010
Nope, no affair. But I'm always being accused of one. I should probably have realized his jealousy streak earlier, but I blew it off as us having just gotten back together after almost a year of a long distance relationship while dating/engaged.
It's not just me saying he has ADD, he does. He was on meds until around HS I think. He thinks he grew out of it.
I know I have to start doing things for me. This I know. But in my case it's hard when I'm then accused of having an affair (or in this last case- of planning to have an affair).
I was 17 when I met H. Dated only 1 guy previously. H was my first sexually; my only. But I still get questions as to whether I'm telling the truth.
H always says he fell in love with me because I was so fun and outgoing. But now, he doesn't want to go do anything, and when I go do things without him, I'm mean or not in love, or cheating.
It's a freakin circle and I'm getting dizzy!!!!
The backwards part is, I'm not jealous at all! He can go have drinks with female co-workers, he can go downtown to a strip club, watch porn, go gambling....I'm not threatened at all. I see no problem. If the guys wanna go, then go. Shoot, I'll go with him if he wants.
But I don't get that in return.... I'm not sure I ever really did. Does that make sense?
So somehow I need to explain to H that he needs to let me be me?
If you had a student who has ADD, would you change how you teach them or expect them to struggle while you keep doing things the same way over and over?
Go back and read how many times you use the words always, nothing, anything. (google Martin Seligman and Learned Optimism).
It sounds like one of your LLs is WOA and H isn't doing it.
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This one gets me the most. I am a teacher, have been since college (High school acually, but that's another story). H is just getting started and is a sub. He has had year long sub jobs for the past 3 years. When talking to people he raves about teaching and in his words "this is the easist job". Seriously? I've been teaching more than 1/2 my life, and it's far from easy. But he keeps at it. No matter how many times I say, no it's not easy it's the hardest job there is.
Why can't he think that? To him it is 'easy.'
You call him controlling but you push books, IC, meds, why he's wrong, mindread and have to be right. I understand your frustration and think he has his work to do but he isn't posting to us.
Use your teaching skills to think thru this. I like the idea of putting things in writing for him that makes sense. Try agreeing with him.
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I redid the patio and got a deck box for the cushions. H's response wasn't it looks nice, or that really cleans up the patio and makes more room in the garage, or even nice job.... nope. It was "so you were able to put it together?" It's like I'm not supposed to be able to do anything.
"Of course I put it together and it looks fantastic!" Teach him how to compliment you. Don't assume he thought - It's like I'm not supposed to be able to do anything That's mindreading and not fair to him.
He doesn't sound aware of how he seems to you, you don't seem aware of what it might look like to him. Become aware of when it starts to drain you and try something different.
"You must be the change you wish to see in this world." - Ghandi
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Soxfan - I was never the jealous type. I always encouraged my wife to go out with her friends and such. My wife was always the controlling and insecure one. as I mentioned, never had an affair. However, my wife doesn't believe me. Probably because she cheated on her bf's in hs and me during marriage. I just didnt see it as her questioning my love for her. I saw it as controlling and immediately went on the defensive. I wouldn't counter by asking what I could do to make her feel more secure. I would just raise my voice and say that its not fair.
Married 10 Together 13 ILYB 1/4/2010 Separated: 1/4/2010 Moved back in 1/28/2010 Reconciled 3/14/2010
I have been doing well on my goals until this bomb at the end of june. I am just in a state of shock. What is detaching? I have not been taking her calls. I quit answering after sunday. I told her then that she was married and I don't mess with married women. She has called everyday since, I don't answer but i hear her message. she texts me and I read it. She said that she was coming back this weekend but her mother told me today that she has no way to get back here and that she didn't think that she was really planning on coming back to me. Her mom is mad at her but she is not lieing to me. she may not know her daughters plans. I told her that i would take her back and she was going to go back to rehab and MC. But I really dont think that is her plan. Her mom just thinks she is keeping me hanging on incase she needs me.
Well, I've been sitting and staring at a blank screen for what seems like ever, trying to figure out how to start that letter to H. Just not happening.
2 nights ago, the kids had friends sleep over, so I asked H if it would be ok if I slept in the bed. He replied that he was tired. I replied back, that all I was expecting was sleep. He said, Oh, ok then.
Last night,after we watched a movie with our DD, I was in the hall, H was turning off the TV in the family room, as I walked into the bedroom to get something, H asked if I wanted the TV on or off. I replied it doesn't matter. H came into the bedroom, I left with a glass to the kitchen. I went back into the bedroom to grab a pillow and calmly said "does that mean you want me to sleep on the couch?" He replied that it was up to me. I grabbed soan empty soda can and left for about 5 minutes to cry in the kitchen. I walked back in to the room and H started talking to me about something, so I stood by the bed and answered nicely- still deciding what to do. I ended up sleeping in the bed, but quietly crying myself to sleep.
It's been civil conversation when we talk, but the elephant is obviously in the room and he seems to be getting bigger by the day.
@ par- detach just means to back away and be an observer in the relationship- like hovering above and looking down type perspective. I actually think you need to move on. Tell her very strongly but nicely, that she married someone else and that was her choice. Now you're choosing to move on with your life without her. She needs to stay with her new husband.
Had a good weekend. Still no R talk with H, still no letter written. But had a heck of a LMing session last night!!!!
H had a small little epiphany yesterday afternoon too. Small steps and small signs of change....
Here was the sit:
BIL and his family are on vacation. Their house is in the flood zone that y'all saw on the news yesterday in KY. H calls his brother and has a conversation with him.
BIL view is this: we're 4 hours away on vacation, have a cabin rented for a week, the neighbors say the house is fine, but not sure about water in the basement or garage, power has been cut, neighbor will keep him informed.
H's view: only 4 hours, you can drive home and then drive back, you need peace of mind, it's only a short drive, you really should check on things.... I lost count of how many times H said that in the 30 minute conversation.
H hangs up and says to me, if it were me, I'd be driving back to check on things and have peace of mind.
I reply it's only peace of mind if everything is OK, otherwise what is he going to do? If things are bad, and he goes back to the vacation how does that help the family? If things are bad and he skips the vacation to stay at the house, how does that help the family? It seems like the roads are still closed, and the power is still off so I'm not sure what would going home truely accomplish? BIL seems like he's thought this through and talked to his W about it. He seems to be enjoying vacation and has the attitude that there's nothing he can do yet anyway so he might as well enjoy the planned vacation with his kids and wife.
Yes, I understand you would need peace of mind, but there's no guarantee you would get it, and if things were really bad, coming back and telling me would ruin my vacation too.
20 minute later H came in the room and told me he texted his brother and said he didn't mean to sound like he was telling him what to do or trying to influence his decision.
YAY!!!
Then later last night we had some funny exchanges... H asked me to pop his back since it was hurting....he even asked if my wrists could handle it (i have carple tunnel syndrome and it flares up to the point I can't lift a pencil, let alone apply pressure to something- I noticed the ask and said thanks for asking and that yes, I could pop his back).....it wouldn't pop. He said it felt like it would sound like fireworks....I asked if he was sure it wasn't a ploy to get me on top of him...
Things just progressed from there. Of course the 112 degree weather and my skimpy nightie probably helped a little too.
I know not to go too fast or read into anything and to take things one day at a time.
