What do you put up with and/or what will you accept with opposite s*x friends on social sites? W got big into FB back in Jan. I found out later that an "old friend" was coming on to her. She is an attractive woman and she flirts. His W shut it down, but now I don't trust W. She is still active on FB and has other male "old friends" including a few single guys. I don't like it, but when I state that I get told I'm trying to control her and just being jealous. I don't know her password. I have a keylogger on the PC, but I can't imagine monitoring W for the rest of our marriage.
So...how do you feel or what will you accept? Is it... -I don't care. My W can have as many male friends as she wants on FB. -No male friends for my W. -Somewhere in the middle?
Tell her she can socialize with other men as long as ALL COMMUNICATION is SHARED with YOU.
You get CC'd on every email, accounts are not locked, etc.
And hit her with this :
Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
Shirley Glass makes it VERY CLEAR in Not Just Friends, her landmark book on infidelity that ANY contact with "old flames" should be AVOIDED at ALL corners.
Your wife is straying sir and she's disrespecting you.
Cut this off at the knees or she will soon be in a hotel room with another man.
I totally agree with Allen on this! I firmly believe my H's inappropriate texts with OW was all started because of stupid facebook! I wish I had been on there sooner and been more vigilant about this kind of thing. Hindsight is 20/20.
I think you're all missing the original questions that Dazed posed, which were:
Originally Posted By: dazed1
So...how do you feel or what will you accept? Is it... -I don't care. My W can have as many male friends as she wants on FB. -No male friends for my W. -Somewhere in the middle?
To me, it goes to "reasonable cause" and to what the past marital history is. In a healthy, mutually-respectful marriage with no prior infidelity, and with no current behaviors ("reasonable cause") to suggest anything untoward is going on, I see nothing wrong with a married person having friends of the opposite sex on Facebook. If one spouse expresses that they are uncomfortable with, say, an old flame being friended, they should speak up and their spouse should respect that and offer to either block that person or offer full transparency to their FB account, in my opinion.
If there is prior infidelity, or current symptoms of it, then all bets are off.
Guys, Facebook is just a vehicle. If it's not FB, it'll be something else -- you can't burn all the books. You gotta treat the symptoms, and -- as Dr. Harley put it in the sub-title to his classic book -- "Affair-Proof the marriage."
Flirting with an intent to go further with it, is not safe.
But basic flirting is a human interaction as old as Java man. It's in our DNA. When it's playful and harmless, in a HEALTHY, MONOGAMOUS MARRIAGE, I don't see anything wrong with it, and furthermore I think if a spouse comes across as you guys are suggesting above -- by trying to, like, BAN it -- you're going to be seen as controlling, needy and jealous.
Saying inappropriate flirting is not safe is a tautology. Aren't we just stating the obvious there?
Flirting leads to sexchat. Sexchat leads to internet affair. Internet affair leads to physical affair.
I don't care if its in our DNA. So is violence and extra-marital sex. That' doesn't justify its use.
Being married is like driving, or dieting, or managing a limited budget... You HAVE to be able to say NO to yourself and cut BACK... follow the rules. No speeding, no binging, and no shopping sprees.
Period.
There are tons of articles on the www about this pup... MOST people cannot manage flirting safely.. at work or elsewhere...
IF you told me they were educated and were able to manage flirting I would likey say ya its safe to do some. But I hvaen't met many people who were educated in the risks and dangers of playing fast and loose with the marriage. My opinion its best to err on the side of caution and just say "NO" to drugs.
More to the point.. It opens up a lot of other risks... HOW on earth is this supposed safe flirter supposed to ensure that they don't cross a line? Hunh?
Sorry, it just opens up the floodgates and pandoras box all at the same time...
The safest flirting is flirting done with your damn SPOUSE.
I haven't seen anyone I KNOW who is educated enough to manage flirting safely.
Will all flirting lead to sexual affairs?
No. It's a dice roll. But there's NO WAY for the LBS to KNOW what flirting thier spouse is doing is SAFE and what flirting ISN'T.... until its WAY TOO DAMN LATE.
Just opens up too many risks...
Better question.. who cares if its in our DNA.. Is it NECESSARY to DO this while you are MARRIED? What JUSTIFIABLE REASON can one HAVE to FLIRT while they are married and play fast and loose with a delicate covenant with one person for the rest of your life? What in God's name would justify putting that to TEST in the first place?
I can't imagine one. And if someone WAS arguing a case for flirting I would be VERY suspicous of their internet activity.
Yes, there are cases where flirting may do no harm and ends as quicly as it starts, but the RISKS being taken there, and the INABILITY to KNOW if its a safe flirt or not isn't worth the potential NIGHTMARE the home goes through.
I can't imagine any reason why flirting outside the marriage would be worth RISKING the marriage to pursue it...
Sure there are times when its safe to go over the speed limit. There are times when its safe to go over your budget and stretch things out a bit. There are times when breaking your diet and having that chocolate cake is safe.
Is it WORTH risking your hard earned goals for?
If you measure the GAIN from flirting vs the potential HARM that can result its NOT WORTH it to FLIRT at ALL
Every possible reason I can imagine flirting can be secured WITHIN the marriage.
To feel attractive To feel important, etc
I won't argue that every flirtation will lead to sexual affairs, but I will argue the risks arne't worth it, and its almost impossible to know if its a risk or not until AFTER its crossed the line.
I think it was Shirley Glass who said "you never know if you are crossing the line until you are on the other side of it, and then its too late."
I think it was Glass. The point is still a good one, even if I haven't had my cheerios yet and can't remember the reference.
