Hi, appreciate some advice here. Moving from WAW forum.
Together 8 yrs Married 2 yrs ( 1 S each from prev M )
W recently told me she wants out of M. She started acting strange ( to me ) and I could see she was distant so I asked her why she seemed unhappy and she said she wanted out. I did the usual thing trying to rationalize the situation with her, suggesting remedies etc and spent the next two days doing all the wrong things from a DB perspective. Since then I have been doing the LRT . I don’t think there are any changes in her plans. She has assured me there is no OM but she works with a lot of guys and I have a feeling there may be an EA but she just see’s it as friendship( I know ??). I have tried to dig up some info on this but found nothing. He is a Cop (married ) so dont really want to go down any blackmail or threatening path so no real way to bust this up
We had an unusual dynamic in our M in that she worked shifts which caused me to have to be responsible for most of the child minding ( 1 each from previous marriages ) and I usually cooked all meals and took care of most of the domestic stuff. I also hold a very good job. So doing some 180’s for me means not doing as much around the house and forcing her to take more responsibility. All the 180's involve me NOT doing as much which seems wrong.
She has stated she wants to sell our home and move into separate houses. All she is telling me is that this is mainly due to conflicts she has with my S (11). They are both very stubborn and she is very strict and he stands up to her. I have tried to control these interactions unsuccessfully ( she maintains I never tried ). My problem is she is not being very mature over it and i expect more from her than an 11 year old. Some of her friends have approached me and said that is all they know too and they also said she needs to grow up. She has told me she is sick of people telling her to behave like an adult including her friends and family. But if only problem is this I do not understand why she suddenly turned so cold to me ( EA I'm sure )
I have agreed to sell the house if she wishes but am going to make her do all the work in preparing for sale and listing as it is not what I want. She has even suggested that we may be able to date after we separate and I don’t really know how to handle that and am not sure whether she really means it.Strange that even after saying that she acts very cold to me next day. I prev told her that when we separate we are done and I dont want to maintain a friendship as it would be too painful for me and i just want to get on with life. . Also don’t know if I would be ready for that. One side of me says just cut off contact with her and get on with things except I still love her and don’t want a D.
I DO have a good life so I don’t have to GAL and have plenty of things to do without her and am just doing my own thing right now. As far as the LRT I think I have been managing well but not seeing much progress,Her plans I fear are not going to change. She seems ok having little contact but sometimes I feel we are just playing a game with each other.
I have a couple of questions re LRT that are confusing me.
I assume it is ok to continue with normal pleasantries such as wishing her a good day. I do this even when she is being cold. I dont want her to see any anger or rudeness from my side. It's just a quick goodnight, good morning or have a nice day.
When she tells me where she is off to for the day should I reciprocate with information from my end or just say have a nice day and leave.
When she talks about friendship / Dating after we separate. How should I respond. I really do not want to just end up as friends and will cut off contact if that is her plan.
I am making her take responsibility for her own Son more. How far should I push this. I have always been like a dad to him and she has said to her friends and me that when we sep it is going to be really hard for him If i backed off completely she would be in a real bind. My issue is that by doing this it may be seen by him as abandonment and this sitch is not his fault.
About 2 weeks ago she brought up our R and she said the fact that we dont talk that much and avoid each other in the house is a sign we are not meant to be together. This is partly due to LRT and partly her coldness.
With regard to the LRT I have been able to detach but my problem is more how to respond when she becomes all friendly. What I have been doing is to respond in a friendly manner but ensure i end the conversation.
We have a vacation booked and paid for late in the year with some friends and she also recently said we should still go. i remarked it was a couples vacation and I would not be comfortable going like we are right now and her response was if we start dating after we separate we can go as a couple. I couldn't even think of a response so i just stayed silent but confused. Over the next couple of days she was cold again and we barely spoke.
Funny how the very little things can give you a bit of hope. normally when I head out to work she just pretends she is asleep and i creep out of the room respecting that. This morning she rolled over and called me by my name, smiled and said goodbye and have a nice day and i responded in kind.
As the "last Resort", is this the last thing you do in DB'ing. Assume if LRT doesn't work there was no real hope anyway. As I am fairly new at this it just feels wrong to do nothing.
Also it is difficult to do 180's if you really don't know what happened. As far as i can see I did everything for my W and she and everyone else noticed and that was probably the problem. It just seems odd to now do LRT and stop doing things for her to try and get her back.
Not sure if the LRT is working but W now seems a bit more interested in whats happening in my life. Funny thing is the other day she remarked that i was showing all the symptoms of someone who was having an A. She also said she was jealous of how much fun i seem to be having. She doesn't seem to know what she wants.
i know that despite the fact that she is the one who wanted out my life seems to be going a lot better and I am having a great summer despite what is happening at home.
One question for all you DB guys out there and particularly those doing the LRT how do you keep your motivation up. I still very much love my W and want our marriage to survive but right now my life outside the home is good and it kinda brings me down when I have to spend time in her company. She always seems either depressed or busy trying to be cold to me.
Recently I refused to mind her Son as I had something arranged for that evening and she flipped out and said if I cant continue to watch her Son while she works shifts that there was no point in living in the same house. I just told her we can sell the house and separate now if that's what she wants and if she doesn't want to live with me then she has choices.
Next morning i asked her to pick up a separation kit and again she just flipped out on me but never picked one up.
4 months of this and it is really wearing me down. I cannot stand living with someone who is being so cold to me. I am contemplating forcing the separation and selling the house.Only problem is i feel that as soon as I make this call the M is over from my perspective. I really admire you guys who seem to have endless patience.
I know part of LRT and DB is never bring up the R talk but I really feel like sitting her down and telling her she needs to either work on this or go her own way as I want to get on with my life.
If her relationship with your son is really an issue, DBing won't work unless that issue is resolved. Do you think it's a real issue for her? Have you done anything to address that?
Not sure if the LRT is working but W now seems a bit more interested in whats happening in my life. Funny thing is the other day she remarked that i was showing all the symptoms of someone who was having an A.
HUGE red flag, Khudoo. This accusation usually comes from someone who themselves is having an affair. Couple this with your suspicion about her cop "friend," and her other strange behavior, and I suspect there is more going on there than meets the eye.
Do you have access to her phone/email/FB? Any of it? The thing that stood out the most is her saying 'you can date after you separate'. My cheating H gave me that exact same line of bull$hit.
I would seriously advise you to quietly start checking out the above things. Sounds like W is w/AM or thinking about being w/AM.
Also, if you don't want to sell your house, don't. Your W is free to go. Why should you and your s be forced to move?
M & H: 40 M: 5.5 T: 7.5 OW: 7/09 Bomb: 9/09 Sep: 3/10 H files 7/10
Khudoo s lot of this sounds like mine W and how she is behaving. I've only been dealing with it for about 2 weeks now and I can imagine how tired of it you must be.
You raised a good question that has crossed my mind several times. One of the issues my W has was my lack of interest in her job which is very important to her. It wasn't really lack of interest, I think I was actually jealous of her since she was interacting with professional adult people while I was at home with the kids and animals. I hoping someone answer on the "normal pleasantries" question. I can say that at first W was not saying goodbye, goodnight, etc but now after only a week she is.
hang in there, from what I've read it is a LONG haul but you have to recognize the small victories and use them to keep you going.
It's definitely an issue and the only thing she ever brings up. I have offered to work on it with her, Given her options and asked for her input. The problem is I feel like i am dealing with two children which is pretty much the feedback she is getting from everyone on both her side and mine on the issue. She has similar issues with her own S but then the maternal instinct comes in and they make up but the problem is when it is my S she harbors the resentment. Obviously she knows there is no option of choosing her over my S ( she too is a parent ).
One thing i cant understand is if it is all the child then why is she so cold to me. i find it hard to believe that is the only issue but is all I have. She has brought up some stuff regarding me but nothing major and it always comes back to my S.
One thing i cant understand is if it is all the child then why is she so cold to me. i find it hard to believe that is the only issue but is all I have. She has brought up some stuff regarding me but nothing major and it always comes back to my S.
Again, presence of OM would explain this perfectly.
Sorry to beat a dead horse, but I really think you'll find your answers there.
It's definitely an issue and the only thing she ever brings up. I have offered to work on it with her, Given her options and asked for her input. The problem is I feel like i am dealing with two children which is pretty much the feedback she is getting from everyone on both her side and mine on the issue. She has similar issues with her own S but then the maternal instinct comes in and they make up but the problem is when it is my S she harbors the resentment. Obviously she knows there is no option of choosing her over my S ( she too is a parent ).
One thing i cant understand is if it is all the child then why is she so cold to me. i find it hard to believe that is the only issue but is all I have. She has brought up some stuff regarding me but nothing major and it always comes back to my S.
It's difficult to know if the issue with Son is a primary problem or a symptom of another problem, but if I were you I would read some books on THAT particular dynamic to see if you can get some insight. There may be issues that occur in blended family situations that tie in with the issues of respect, validation, etc. If you do some reading about the subject you may note some correlations. She may feel that you undermine her in front of him, don't let her have input in parenting him, etc. I wish I could be more helpful, but I have no experience in that area.
