smm - I read through your posts and the problem I am having is I don't sense your conviction. What do YOU want to happen here? Here's my two cents on a couple of things.
I think that is my problem. Some days I want to work on things and others I want no part of her. If I could have some semblence of the woman I fell in love with I would want to get back together no matter what.
I have gone about and done other things I thought. I am setting up to finish school next year. I have been going out with friends whenever possible. Took S to Disney without W, becasue that is what I wanted to do. She did not want to go, I did so I went. Started playing sports again, doing the things I used to do. I would like to go out more but all of my friends are married with children and usually go out with their wife when they have free time.
Originally Posted By: LRT Land
anniversary - do not buy a card or a gift. If not out of the norm, make dinner. Keep things as status quo as you can. If the day goes well, at the end you can acknowledge it with a "happy anniversary" - if not, don't say anything.
I think I can do that. I have never forgotten before, butthen I am not forgetting this time either, I just do not like how I am being treated.
Originally Posted By: LRT Land
focus - others have commented and it seems to be floating by you. YOU need to focus on YOU. Have your read Divorce Recovery? Your W has a foot out the door. You need to GAL, do 180s and detach. Ultimately, you will end up with an improved relationship or a civil divorce and YOU need to accept either path is ok - because if you are the best YOU can be, the right path will reveal itself.
I have read it but it has been a few months. I have done a lot of 180s and I thought I was detatched, but not so sure anymore. This also seems difficult when we are living under the same roof. I do not know how to act around her.
Originally Posted By: LRT Land
My H and I too were "compartmentalized" - essentially living different lives under the same roof. Completely distant and detached. We've made great strides, but it started with me accepting his pain, acknowledging it and ignoring my own pain and my own needs. Now I focus on each day and take baby steps forward.
This is the way we were when she decided she had enough and left me. Then she came back and I read DR and employed a lot of the things in the book. The problem is now by following some of the stuff in the book I am essentially doing some of the things that drove her away. So wont that work against me? Maybe I am just thick headed or something and just am not getting something I am just lost as to what to do now. If I want to win her back, what is it I need to accept or do? I not work well in print, I am a much better communicator in verbal form. I wish I could afford to talk to a coach or something. I realize that there is something I am just not understanding and I think it will take someone to verbally explain. Thanks for your help.
Well, I kind of wanted to check in and let everyone on here know that I want to thank them for all of the help I have gotten. I had to go back and reread a lot of what I wrote and responses. But I must admit, I still did not get it. I didnot understand what you people were talking about helping myselfand all of the things you were saying. What I discovered is that I was goingthrough the motions and doing it but not all the way. I did not discover this until I started reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Thisis when I finally realized my real issues in this whole disaster. I caused more than I thought in the problems in our marriage. I recognize that she has a lot to do with it as well. She never has been able to talk about her feeling and a lot of other problems. But those are her problems, I have my own. I am almost done with the book, so my only complain with the book is there is not more detailson how to fix my way of thinking. So maybe now I can go to my IC and set up a strategy for fixing me.
Wife finally decided to go to IC and also get her diabetes fixed. This happened after I started makeing some changes based on the things I learned in No More Mr. Nice Guy. So she does not want to discuss relationship, and that is great becasue I think we need time to concentrate on ourselves and when we both are more comfortable with ourselves than we can look at maybe fixing the marriage. I wish someone out tehre hit me with an Iron 2 x 4 like my wife did to me months ago so that I would have started on the road to recovery sooner. But better late than never. The wife has not left the house yet, and things do seem a little better.
I am not getting a lot of support around home or friends and family, I was hoping someone out there might understand this whole thing. Maybe give some words of advise or something.
Focus on yourself. GAL. Eat well. Sleep. Exercise. Find some abandoned hobbies. Take care of your son.
And while you're "fixing yourself," try to decide if you want this relationship. I know that's hard after being in limbo for awhile, you just become numb to the sitch. But live is too short to be numb for long...
Thanks for the reply, good to hear from somebody who actually cares. Have been trying to do a lot of these things, everythnig seems tokeep backfiring. I started playing soccer again toGAL and get into shape. 3 Games into this season I tore my ACL. Sonot more soccer or exercising for a few months. Has not been a good year for me. Trying to work on my issues and being with my son and there is this giant elephant in the room when she is around. Had to stop school for now becasue of the ACL and not able to go to class. Will have surgery next week. Wife does not really want to help me so for my recovery I will have to move back to my parents house until I can drive and get back to work. So work is on my case about being off and she is back to thinking I am useless and I can only play limited things with my son. Yesterday I had another anxiety attck that borders as a heart attack. Second one this year at that magnitude. I am pretty messed up right now and really nobody to talk to except this group. Most of my friends are staying pretty hands off because they are friends with both of us, and they do not want to pick sides. So I have been pretty down. So thanks pinhead for your words, it is nice to think that someone out there cares. Trying to get sleep that is adaquite, I am so exhausted with all of the stress that I darn near could sleep 10 hours or more a day and still be tired.
So I was paying the bi-weekly bills and trying to find out why a car payment did not register and came across a charge that the W made. She bought a perfume for $80. On top of that she has been wearing form fitting tank tops and she does not have the body for it. Is it me or is she shopping herself to try to find someone else? Should I confront her about this or just let it go? She knows I usually check this stuff, is she doing it to see if I notice? Is she trying to get a reaction out of me? Should I react? Every once in a while she will wear nice, conservative outfit that is sexy yet not revealing and I will let her know she looks nice. She says thanks but that is about it, of course I really do not expect a reaction or answer either. Any suggestions out there?
if you are going to give her a complment remeber two things: 1, make sure the compliment is specific and 2, say it to her when she is leaving. That way it is the last thing you said to her.
Don't say "those glasses look great on you"
Say "YOU make those glasses look hot"
see the difference?
Saying you look nice is boring.
Women went to hear the are hot.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
