Wife isn't sure about marriage...

[someguy1233]

My wife and I dated on & off for nearly 5 years before getting married. We broke up numerous times. The breakups were blamed on "commitment issues." She wanted to get married and I wasn't ready to make that commitment. I felt there was more I wanted to do in life.
After not dating for some time, I realized that want I really wanted in life was her by my side. We got married much less than a year ago.

A little over two weeks ago she told me that she hates being married and feels it was the biggest mistake ever. We've talked about her unhappiness a few times over the last 2 weeks. I've deduced that the biggest problem with our marriage is horrible communication. We never once actually talked about our marriage. We just went through day to day, and I assumed everything was fine.

I work full time and run my own business on the side. When we were engaged, and through the beginning of the marriage, the side business was slow. But now things have drastically picked up. Looking back, I realize that I neglected her and our marriage. My number one priority was my work. I was always stressed and never made time for her or us. Even when I did allow time, I wasn't mentally in the moment and always talked about clients and worries of the business. She said that I’m cold, unaffectionate, and uncaring. I wouldn’t say that I’m that way all the time, but when I’m stressed I know I can be.

The day after she broke the news to me, I made an appointment with a counselor. This is something I've never done before... I asked her to come but she refused. The day before the session I asked again, stating that I'd like her to come to help me identify my problems and things that I can work on. She again refused.

Through conversation since then, she said that she won't go to counseling because she doesn't want to give me false hope that this can be worked out. On occasion, she's still said how much she loves me and that we're best friends, but something is missing. She said maybe that "something" was never there and that we had no business getting married in the first place. I explained that there must have been something if she agreed to get married.

I’ve shared my enlightenment about my business stresses causing me to push our marriage to the side. Unfortunately, she pointed out that I've made these same "discoveries" during our break-ups pre-marriage. I explained that this time is different and that the money and stress isn't worth it. I explained that I'm tired of not being around for my family and friends when they are in need. I explained to her that I've debating quitting the business for a few months and that I will be quitting it. (this is actually true, and not some rash decision, I did mention it to her briefly a few weeks ago). None of this seems to matter. She said that she doesn't know what to believe and that it's just more of the same cycles that we've been going through for years.

I told her that we've barely been married and that if this is the road it goes down, fine. But I'd at least like to say that we gave marriage the best shot we could. She said that we've been fighting for it for years even when we weren't married...

The turn of events is that I’m 99% positive she’s having an affair with a mutual “friend.” I have a list of evidence including odd cell phone behavior, he no longer contacts me… she purchased a bunch of new underwear, she doesn’t wear her ring, etc. Also, a couple days ago I also found a message to another friend that stated she's planning on not talking to me or the other guy for a week. She wants time to think and feels stuck. This really, really, bothers me. But despite this knowledge, I want to give our marriage a real shot. I don’t want to give in and get a divorce yet.

I haven’t brought this to her attention yet. I honestly think she knows that I know about the affair, or she thinks actually thinks that I’m clueless to the behaviors around me. We’re supposed to have dinner tomorrow. I’m thinking about bringing it up to her afterwards.


She spends very little time at home. For the first 1.5 weeks when she is here I just tried to make nice comments and be the person that I should've been. I focused on trying to do the projects around the house that should've been completed a year ago.
The last few days, I’ve almost emotionally shut down around her. I’m tired of having the same conversation and feel it isn’t doing anything other than annoying her. I’ve just been “happy” around her and let her do most of the talking. I can tell that this confuses her, but I’m also afraid that it’s pushing her away further. I don’t want her to continue thinking that I’m cold and uncaring. All I want is a chance to be the husband I should've been all along.

She was home a little bit ago and started the conversation again. She said how much she misses me and how we really like each other. I gave her info for some counselors since she made a comment about maybe wanting to go by herself. She again repeated how she’s tired of the same cycle and doesn’t know what to do. I explained to her that things were great when we were going through the wedding planning, etc. because my business was slow and that we were actually checking in with each other. I said that we can work to bring that back. She told me that she just didn’t know if she cared to enough to go through it again. She hasn’t used the D word yet. She just keeps saying she doesn’t know what to do.

She also asked me to leave for a week. She said that she wants to spend a week away from everybody. She wants to stay at home by herself and try to figure out what to do since nobody can give the answers to the problems in her head. She said she has no where else to go. I told her that I also live here… she just asked if I preferred that she made a decision based completely on emotion with out any real thought. I told her I’d think about it and let her know tomorrow. I don’t want to upset her because I feel like it’ll push her away further, but at the same time, I live here too. I shouldn’t have to go stay with my parents…

Sorry for the long scattered post… there’s been so much going on over the past couple weeks that I have a hard time sorting it all out… I have absolutely no idea what to do. I don’t know how to call her out on the affair. I don’t know if I should call out the friend either… a part of me wants to publicly humiliate him. But at the same time, I don’t want to upset her.

I have no idea what the answers are….

[Allen A]

Your wife cannot effectively make a decision about her marriage while she's distracted by an EA and certainly not while she's distracted by a PA...

This "I need space" thing is a smoke screen and it isn't constructive.

Its good that you are going to counsellors, but you need to make sure they are trained in FAMILY THERAPY and aern't just pscychologists... hopefully a FT who is experienced in dealing with an affair.

Is there a way to tap into her PC and trap her communications so you can collect some more reliable INTEL?

Is there some other contact you have who can let you know about the movements of the "mutual friend?"

if they both go out at the same time you can bet they are likley hooking up

You need a GOOD family therapist and GOOD INTEL dude.. those are your goals at this point..

STOP trying to argue or negotiate with her... Find out what's going on and DEAL with it... none of these smokescreens.. they don't help and you shoudln't be catering to her excuses either.. just walk away when she gets like that

[someguy1233]

I know for a fact that they've gone out a few times over the past week, at least in group settings. And they still communicate daily.

I don't know that I understand the need to dig for further intel. At a minimum, she's having an emotional affair which in my opinion is bad enough. I firmly believe I know what's going on I just don't know if there's any hope of saving our marriage.

I'm thinking about telling her tomorrow,
"I just want to be clear on one thing. I don't want to argue the details. I know about your actions with O/M and that hurts me. The only reason I'm telling you this is because I want our marriage to work." and then I'd leave... I wouldn't leave it open for discussion.

But given our past, I believe she will make a decision after this week. And at this point, it appears I'm in the losing corner.

[Allen A]

How many people in your circle of friends are mature enough to SHUT OUT OM if you exposed him to everyone in your circle?

What about your in laws? WOuld they support you if you exposed OM was preying on their daughters marriage and exploiting her at a very difficult time?

[someguy1233]

I don't know that anyone in the circle of friends is mature enough... I'm also afraid that by outing it to all our mutual friends, that she would never forgive me. It could hurt the reconciling process, if there were to ever be one.

She tells me she hasn't talked to her mother in two weeks. When she first told her about our problems, she said that we hadn't been together long enough for her to leave and that she felt we needed to work on things before making this type of decision. That's not what my wife wanted to hear, so she hasn't talked to her since.

[TimeHeals]

... I'm also afraid that by outing it to all our mutual friends, that she would never forgive me.

If your wife is having an affair, this is the last thing you should be afraid of doing. Doing nothing or enabling her is doing more to drive her away than anything.

Allen can give you guidelines on exposure, but it has to happen.

[Allen A]

SG... Keeping what OM is doing SILENT just HELPS him.. affairs don't die on their own...

If you know him well enough you could invite him to MIL's place and you and MIL confront him and ask him to leave the marriage alone and stop contaminating it.

your wife will be FURIUOS, but she' won't divorce you... SHe will be releived of a lot of stress.

You need to find your balls man.. and find them fast... This guy is NOT going to go away anytime soon and your WIFE is heading down a very dangerous road.

Do NOT expect your marriage to get ANY BETTER until OM is OUT of the picture... PERIOD

You will likley want to do what most new arrivals here do... YOu will wnat to keep the affair secret, NOT do anything about it, and you will try to pretend it isn't there hoping that you will improve the marriage and your wife will just decide to do teh mature thing and end it...

This is a DREAM SG.. That happens so rarely if EVER that you may as well buy a lottery ticket.

You will at the VERY LEAST have to do the following ;

1. Update her mother and anyone who may support your marriage with you and confront the OM with you to get LOST...
2. AFTER exposing then you confront your wife.. She will liekly challenge you when finding out about the exposure... You hit her with a strong dose of reality then :

I KNOW you are having an affair.
The OM is a HUGE obstacle to us resolving anything
I am NOT ending our marriage.
I am going to family therapy whether YOU GO or NOT
I am NOT going to LIE to cover up your AFFAIR any longer

And you walk away.

You don't tell her what your plans are.. YOu just state your position.

And you KEEP exposing. YOu keep in contact with these people and others... Your wife will very likely run damage control and tell everyone she is "jsut friends" with OM ... OR she will admit she's "seeing him" and that the marriage "is over"... both are classics

This is NOT something you can ignore SG, it is like cancer... Ever heard of someone getting better by ignoring cancer?

Your marriage has a cancer.. its called addiction.. Your wife is addicted to a secret fantasy relationship that will NOT help her in the long run and will eat her alive.

You can watch your marriage fall apart slowly from this addiction as your wife burns up all her energy and self respect prowling around in secret while this creep preys on your marriage... OR you can stand up, challenge the affair and deal with it head on.

Your call

[Quicksilver264]

Dude,

LISTEN TO WHAT ALLEN SAYS. LISTEN TO WHAT ALLEN SAYS. LISTEN TO WHAT ALLEN SAYS.

READ the forums here. GAIN knowledge. LISTEN to the advice.

I am FAR from one to talk, but when I HAVE done what was suggested to me, IT WORKS.

This is a PROCESS. It CANNOT be fixed as fast as you want it.

I have to sit by and watch my wife absolutely pine over another man. You'd be HORRIFIED at some of the online searches she did today, all in attempts to figure out how to win him over and be a better little sl*t for him.

EVERYTHING your FEELINGS tell you do to is WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Think of being trapped in quicksand. Your FIRST REACTION is to struggle like Hell to get out. BUT UNLESS YOU KEEP CALM AND DO WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN TOLD AND TRAINED TO DO, YOU WILL DIE.


So welcome to the quicksand pit. You can either:

1) struggle in vain

2) LISTEN to the teaching and suppress your fears.


And look at the last posts my my thread about RE-EXPOSING the other man. I FORGOT my training and struggled for TWO DAYS in the quicksand. Then I FINALLY sucked it up and applied what I had been told.

I RAINED DOWN HELL ON THAT B*STARD. That's what you have to do.

This other guy has called down the Thunder. Now YOU have to make it rain. And I am talking a typhoon that destroys continents. Expose him as MUCH as you can, in a way that is told and taught here on the forum.

[Allen A]

Well said QS... SG you can play softball here if you want, but you will very lilkey allow the affair to FLOURISH and eventually your wife will be mounting him in some cheap hotel someplace.

Act or not its your choice. but you've been warned.

QS can help you get more INTEL so you can confront her fully. I know you think you know enough, but the more you can reveal and expose the less exciting the affair is... You really want to pour urine on this thing as quickly as posible... It's an inferno getting ready to blaze if its not there already...

It sounds like MIL is on your side here so you should start meeting with her regularly and have her lean on your wife as much as she can...

I can't stress enough the importance of having your circle of friends and family involved to pressure your wife to back off of OM and get her marriage under control.

All of the stuff she told you is classic... I can tell you how the next eight weeks of your life are gonna turn out minute for minute if you want...

Or you can get up and change it to something better.. your call

Find your balls man... Find them or lose them

[Quicksilver264]

I don't know that anyone in the circle of friends is mature enough... I'm also afraid that by outing it to all our mutual friends, that she would never forgive me. It could hurt the reconciling process, if there were to ever be one.

Again, you are STRUGGLING in the quicksand. FORGET WHAT YOU THINK YOU KNOW. FORGET YOUR FEELINGS.

Please READ my thread. Especially the LAST 3 pages.

We are TELLING you what is the RIGHT course. You are so EARLY in the process that a good exposure could be like a thermonuclear bomb on the affair.

RELAX and stop fighting the quicksand.