"Identity Crisis" no OW - be friends or not?

[gatsby11]

Hi,

I've got a thread over in newcomers. Basic gist: Married for 8.5 years and 20 weeks pregnant at the time of the bomb. Pregnancy was planned, but he wasn't very excited.

Oct- Dec: He was depressed and suicidal. We decided to get him into therapy.
Jan 8: First therapy session. I figure he's dealing with the pregnancy.
Jan 14: Tells me that he's looking at his life and he doesn't like what he sees. He doesn't want to be married anymore, but he wants to stay friends.

It deteriorated after that. He made out with a co-worker. Anger, fights, I moved out and separated all finances. Then NC.

As you can see in my signature, I then emerged from my NCness to send some slightly pleasant emails so that he and I could have a decent relationship for the birth. He responded well. Then the birth, and he wanted to be over all the time. We enjoyed doing the 'old things' we used to do. He said specifically he missed these things and wanted to spend time with me. He was consistently complimentary and loving. Three weeks went by.

Then I said I wanted his influence in my life and I wanted to R. And if he didn't, then we shouldn't continue hanging out as friends. He cried. (He cries all the time since the bomb.) He didn't directly say so, but he implied that he didn't want to R.

Now he has continued sending me friendly/funny/nostalgic texts and says he can spend the night if I want him to. So he's really pushing the friends thing.

My question is: should I continue to indulge him (eat cake, as I see it) with a friendship because he is MLC and that helps his type reconcile with LBS? Or should I 'stay the course' of being strictly about the baby?

I put "no OW" in the title. As far as I can see, there is no evidence for an OW. I've seen him in town without his knowledge a few times and he was either alone or with a male friend. His father (who is on 'both' sides but mostly mine) has grilled him about another woman and WH denies. Long story short, I don't think there's an OW.

I don't intend this thread to replace my regular one over in newcomers. I hope that you MLC vets can advise me about the friends situation. I know all about the DB stuff: 180s, GAL, etc etc. But there's not too much dialogue, that I can see, about MLC without OW.

No 2 x 4s. Challenges are great, but please be respectful.

Thanks, you guys are great!

[fisherman]

I put "no OW" in the title. As far as I can see, there is no evidence for an OW. I've seen him in town without his knowledge a few times and he was either alone or with a male friend.

There may not be. I'm not at all trying to cause you any more worry or grief, it's just that way more often than not there is another person when things get to this stage. It wouldn't hurt to be prepared for this.

His father (who is on 'both' sides but mostly mine) has grilled him about another woman and WH denies. Long story short, I don't think there's an OW.

Please be careful with this. His father cannot control him either and in the end he will always have to side with his son. It may be hard for you to imagine, but I am speaking from experience after going through something similar and seeing it play out all over this board.

If he has been grilled about having an OW, than you can bet he KNOWS he has to be very secretive.

I'm sorry if this is hard to read or think about and I'm not try to be negative, I'm just trying to prepare you.

[fisherman]

No 2 x 4s. Challenges are great, but please be respectful.

I have a TON of respect for anyone who comes here and is willing to put in all the hard work and walk an extremely difficult journey to possibly save their marriage and family. A TON.

No 2x4's? I get that, please keep this question in mind.

How helpful would this place and it's members be if we only told you what you wanted to hear? Would that be the right thing to do?

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Gatsby,

Awesome name.

The no 2X4 things lame. As in you are seemingly expecting them, and with 500 + posts...you know what type of db post will garner them.

Past that.

Friendship...

The foundation of a good realtionship IS friendship.

Now the funny part is you aren't exactly truthful with him...because you want MORE than a friendship. But it is what he is capable fo giving.

You see this as cake eating...cause you want more.

With a child at the very least you should civil with him.

It SEEMS like you see your 'friendship' as a stick you can use to get him to do what you want him to do...and push comes to shove I think you will be dissappointed in how effective it will prove to be to you if you expect him to react to you taking it away.

What does maintaining the friendship cost you right now?

If it is a trick just to get him back? You aren't really friends then anyway.

[gatsby11]

Hey guys!

About the 2x4s thing, no big deal, but I feel that some people on here just love to slam people down and. . . I'm just not into that. Yes, I expect 2x4s. It's entertaining for all.

Anyways, trapt, yes I know there could be OW. Or OM, I don't even know! Feb-May I just assumed it. Then I wasn't sure, and now I don't think there's one person. There could be several, just being "single" that type of thing.

Now the funny part is you aren't exactly truthful with him...because you want MORE than a friendship.

Hey JTB! I think you're on facebook.

I told him I wanted to make "us" work about four days ago. Work as a couple, that is. So I let him know. He just seems to want to be just friends.

It SEEMS like you see your 'friendship' as a stick you can use to get him to do what you want him to do.

Hmm, yes. I see it as a strategy! You don't think that denying friendship could help him decide to R?

If he and I won't be 'together' then I don't want to be friends. Civil, of course. But now hanging out, cooking and eating together, watching The Office, laughing, etc, no.

I WAS hoping that restricting that could make him think that he does want to R.

But maybe engaging actively in friendship will make him want to R!

I guess bottom line is no one really knows for sure. But continue to give me advice/ideas if you think of any.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

No OW?

Try being Friends as long as you can.

I will also say Gatsby...most of us aren't here because all the problems are with the spouse.

I really suggest you look hard at yourself and maybe find some areas to improve in your realtionship skills.

It is hard...but worth it in the long run...the stuff you do not like in yourself? Kill it.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

I'm a different animal than many...I know this.

You don't think that denying friendship could help him decide to R?

IF you told me this? That we had to be girlfriend boyfriend...married and not work on being friends, I'd be the one telling you to take a long walk off a short pier.

Cause the woman I marry has to be my friend.

[gatsby11]

Hey again,

Yeah, I'm all for friendship if we're going to be a couple. If we're not, then I'm not. Since he said he doesn't want to be a couple, then I'm thinking I don't want to hang out with him a couple of times a week. (Am I being unclear?)

I thought maybe someone here would say that MLC no OP should be "bo peep" and friendship as a strategy.

I don't have anything to lose because he's already 'gone.' So if I can withhold or give friendship-- and I mean hanging out, sharing about our lives type of stuff-- and influence him to want to R, then I want to do that.

I know, focus on self. Got it. My methods of self improvement are developing and improving friendships (I tended to be happy with just WH whereas he wanted to go out more), being slightly more open to cooking (very hard one for me, just really hate cooking), and exploring this idea of what it means to be dependent on someone. I've been told over and over (mostly by his family) that I'm too independent. I'm not sure I believe it, but I'm mulling it over.

Thanks again.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Pup and I disagree about the Bo Peep. In MLC they are going to be crazy as long as it takes for them to not be crazy.

So it really is on you to do your best to outlast it and improve yourself in the process...do for you. If you can Bo Peep then do so.

Bo Peep is being nice and them following along right?

What I am saying is be honest with your actions. Do for you. Do no harm.

Evalutate any 'tactic' that is vengeful or wrathful.

Be the better option later.

[gatsby11]

In MLC they are going to be crazy as long as it takes for them to not be crazy.

Ha, that makes me laugh. That must have been the reason I chose "crazy" for my opening (smiley) face!

OK, I see what you mean.

Bo Peep makes me happier in the short term but could destroy me if he never "comes back."

Low contact protects me from his whims but causes some sadness in the short term.

So maybe I'll keep going with low contact for now. .