With heavy heart I am now in this forum. I have decided to enter into divorce mediation with my WW after a tumultuous 4 months of trying to break up her EA with an old HS friend. The regulars in the Infidelity forum helped me gain back my dignity and self respect.
I have been slowly grieving the end of our 16 year marriage...in March I was about 30% OK and 70% complete wreck. Now I'd say that I'm about 60% OK and 40% emotional. When I have my sad moments I don't try to suppress the emotions...just let the tears flow. I have a good support system with some other single dads and of course my immediate family. I have two beautiful DD's that I love with all my heart and will concentrate my efforts on their emotional well being.
I haven't thought about dating yet...heck, haven't even set the appointment yet for the mediator (STBXWW and DD's are going out of town next week).
I have read and recommend "Single Married Separated and Life After Divorce" by Myles Munroe. The book basically states that we must love ourselves first before we can even think about loving someone else. I'm on a self discovery (minds out of the gutter please) tour to get back to loving myself. I let my STBXWW and our marriage define who I was rather than me defining who I am.
Our 16 year anniversary is tomorrow and we have decided to meet at a restaurant bar and have a beer and an appetizer. I plan on giving STBXWW a card with a handwritten note about us not intending to take the path we are taking but we are none the less taking this path. Definitely not a "thank god i'm rid of you"...I know it will be well received.
That's it for now!
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
wow, so fast! I hope you are able to keep the momentum of detaching going. Good for you! so you are still meeting for your anniversary? strong...
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Originally posted on another forum...seems to be more eyeballs in this forum:
Time to elaborate on what led to the decision for me to finally cut my losses and seek D from WW.
Saturday night I told DD that it's time to put away the cell phone and take a bath. She said I'm going to TM mom and I said you need take a bath first then you can TM mom (she had been TM'ing WW all day). I'm trying to establish a boundary with DD's cell phone usage. So DD goes into the bathroom and calls WW and tells WW that I won't let DD call her. DD comes out of the bathroom and says "mom is coming to pick me up". I remove myself from the situation and have my mom call WW to find out what is going on.
In the meantime, my cell phone rings and I recognize the number as POSOM. I pick up and calmly say "you are causing the breakup of my family stop talking to my wife" and I hang up. POSOM calls again, I miss that call but I promptly redial...POSOM answers and I calmly tell him "If we divorce it will be your fault, stop talking to my wife" and I hang up. POSOM tries to call me 3 more times and of course I don't pick up. POSOM TM's me "your wife is scared of you...your problems started years ago before me...I only told your wife to be true and honest...I'm going to take your threat to the police now and will be pressing charges"...of course I don't reply because I make it a habit to not respond to mindless trite.
Twenty minutes later, two police cruisers show up at my parents house. I go outside to greet the police officers keeping my hands in plain view to ease their anxiety. One officer puts my hands behind my back to pat me down...standard operating procedure which I know...DD's see this and say "are they going to arrest daddy?"...my mom is freaking out crying and upset...with my hands behind my back I try to calm my mom. She takes DD's back into the house.
One of the police officers starts asking questions and asks if I know POSOM...I say yes, he is my wife's boyfriend. I own a hand gun that I had been trying to sell so they asked me where the handgun was and I told them it was in my car unloaded with a trigger lock. Fine...not their recommended storage solution for a firearm but nothing illegal. Then the police officer tells me that POSOM called the police because I had a firearm and he thought that I was a danger to my DD's, his family, and my WW...what a piece of...well...WORK! The police officer goes in the house and calls WW on her cell then comes out about 10 minutes later. The officer tells me there is nothing illegal going on...everyone is safe...thanked me for being cooperative and forthright. WW came with some friends to pick up both DD's and take them back home.
I TM WW two days later to ask if I can see DD's so I can get on record that WW is denying my visitation without any legal authority or court order.
She replies something to the effect of DD's were traumatized and I replied "that is a direct result of your boyfriends irrationality"
Later in the afternoon, I TM WW that "after the stunt that you and your boyfriend pulled Saturday, our marriage will now end in divorce"
We had FC Tuesday and our C had talked to me earlier in the day. FC and I held WW's feet to the fire. FC asked WW many times why she didn't ask DD if WW could talk to me to find out what was going on. WW tried three times to move on but I jumped in and said "no no no...I'm not done yet". I told WW that she owns DD's image of a police officer putting their daddy's hands behind his back when their daddy did nothing wrong and seeing their grandmother upset and crying for the first time in their lives. I also told her that she owes my mother an apology for what WW put my mother through. Then I told FC that I'm done now and she can bring in DD's...I was in complete control of the FC session and it felt GOOD!!!
WW did send my mother an apology email and talked to my mother on the phone.
Last edited by loweinsd51; 08/25/1008:37 PM.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Just some random musings as today is an especially hard day -
Today is the twenty year anniversary of when I first kissed STBXWW. I TM'd her "Today is the 20 year anniversary of when I took the biggest risk in my life and kissed the woman of my dreams" STBXWW replied with a smile. I then replied with "Man was I nervous when I bent over and kissed you the first time" STBXWW replied with another smile. Then I replied "of course I was giddy when you didn't slap me and reciprocated...will always cherish the memories from that night" STBXWW replied "of course...me too"
I find it hard as heck to let go of the last 20 years I shared with my STBXWW. Some days I just want to go completely dark and other days I just want to see if she wants to come back. What is especially hard is we are working to get our house for sale and the daily contact with her is just emotionally draining. Lately, I've been turning on the flirty remarks...she hasn't really responded per se but her body language tells me she hasn't completely rejected them either. Who knows...
Interestingly, my neighbor gave me a copy of "The Love Dare" and said that he and his wife almost split up over a year ago. Then he said he has counseled many couples at his church and in talking to both of us, he said we're not through. I got very emotional and still do because that's first time an outsider has told me that.
I do sense that STBXWW has started and does respect me based on her actions over the last few weeks so that is a good sign. Not necessarily for reconciliation but for my future relationships. Sandi drilled into my head that in order for a woman to have love for you she must first respect you.
STBXWW also told me that she is sure it will hurt when she hears of me with another but she will still wish me the best.
STBXWW did tell me that I was both handsome and charming
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Interesting turn of events...I always thought STBXWW was completely done with me and had moved on but we had an interesting TM exchange Sunday night where she said that she is having a difficult time moving on from our relationship. Said that she has been emotional since Saturday morning when she talked to two of our old neighbors and said that she can't stop crying.
So yesterday I had my DD's pick out some flowers for Mom and they gave them to her and she was beaming...of course later she thanked me for the flowers. As she was leaving, she thanked me for being nice then we hugged and held each other tightly and she started to tear up when the hug was done. The last time I saw her tear up after a hug was on our anniversary last month.
I know better than to read to much into it...I still have a deep love for her in my heart...she is the mother of my children. I know my actions probably go against DB principles but no matter how much pain someone has inflicted on me, I can't turn my back on them when they are in pain. STBXWW has no immediate family left and she is extremely lonely. I took vows in front of God, my wife, family, and friends so in my heart I can't just abandon her.
Loving detachment so far is the most difficult thing I've done in my life.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
Interesting turn of events...I always thought STBXWW was completely done with me and had moved on but we had an interesting TM exchange Sunday night where she said that she is having a difficult time moving on from our relationship.
Difficult enough for her to end all contact with POSOM?
If not, then the flowers were a big mistake. "Melty man."
Thanks for the lump on the head PDT...two steps forward one step back
Don't know about continued contact with POSOM as I no longer have any intel gathering tools.
Said she was hurt when I didn't respond to her TM's on Saturday...went camping for 2 nights with DD's and she sent 4 or 5 texts not pertaining to DD's. Honestly when we got back on Saturday, I was just dead tired, had to unpack, get DD's bathed and fed. She called my mom to see if my mom had heard from me and my mom told her that I got back an hour ago. We talked briefly about logistics and such...I could tell that she was upset.
This is just different behavior than I've seen in the last month to month and a half...really ever since she moved into her apt.
One question...do I continue with the flirting/innuendo or just continue to be business like in our interactions?
Still haven't fully detached yet. I have good days DB'ing then there are times that I stumble...I don't dwell on either...just keep on keeping on. I like the changes that I've made in myself thus far...feel like I'm getting my mojo back. Not a "I'm king of the world" feeling...just a good feeling all around.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
One question...do I continue with the flirting/innuendo or just continue to be business like in our interactions?
That's precisely why good intel is needed. If my wife were still carrying on in an affair, I wouldn't want to be flirting with her. If she had ended it, I WOULD want to -- slowly -- begin to do the "catnip" kind of stuff that Coach advises.
Tough to say in your sitch, 51. But critical, I think.
OK...my head is spinning and I have to get this out so I apologize in advance if my stream of consciousness is disjointed.
Just as the script reads, STBXWW discovered that POSOM is a psycho that was using her...keep in mind this was an EA only. He started threatening her saying he would make her life miserable, that he knows people and could get me fired, etc. She has ended contact with him...deleted him from her contacts.
STBXWW and I had a wonderful weekend both with and without our DD's. Spent the night together and ended up ML...she initiated while I was rubbing her back.
We had a nice discussion earlier that evening and I told her to just let it all out. I won't go into the details of what happened between STBXWW an POSOM but STBXWW reluctantly did something out of the kindness of her heart. I just kept telling her "I understand your feelings, they're yours and I'm not going to try to talk you out of them".
This was the first time since this all went down that STBXWW has shown genuine remorse. She told me that I was right about POSOM and even quoted a truth dart...thanks Puppy Dog!
The only thing I could do was to just hold her, comfort her, keep her safe, and just let her cry. She said she was afraid that I would hate her and asked a few times why I didn't hate her and why I wasn't angry with her. She said she was scared of everything and that she is extremely fragile.
STBXWW said she misses my back rubs and that I give the best back rubs.
Now I'm not saying that we are now going to start piecing and working on our R, but these developments are huge.
M-43 FWW-42 T 20 M 16 DD10 DD8 EA: 1/10 Informal separation: 6/11/2010 Headed for D: 7/6/2010 Piecing? 9/10/10
