What does it mean when a guy is an "ass man"? I'm with someone who, in the last few months, is showing alot of interest in that area. In fact, sometimes he seems more interested in my rear than in other parts of me. It annoys me because I don't find it sexy and I've told him so several times yet still he seems preoccupied with it. I also feel hurt because I feel like he isn't really connecting with me if he's so focused on what exites him without paying attention to how I respond. These feelings just ruin the mood for me every time. I don't know what to do. The last time I brought it up I was reacting with irritation and he got (understandably) defensive. To make matters worse, I have vaginismus, a painful condition which prevents intercourse. I've been working on this with vaginal trainers and kegel exercises, but the lack of connection in this way has taken a toll on our relationship. I don't feel connected to him, because any alternative activities we may do is ruined (for me) by his preoccupation with my backside. Even when we were having intercourse, he preferrdd it doggy style. Now I'm wondering if that was so he could pretend we were having anal sex. I've even wondered if he could be gay, because it's the ass feeling that seems to most exite him, or is that just me misunderstanding the whole men and behinds thing? What's the appeal? I just don't get it.
It means he finds that part of your body to be particularly sexually appealing or exciting. Other men often call themselves "breast men" or "leg men". This is all very normal. What's not normal and not helpful to you is if this is the ONLY way he can relate to you. It would be typical of a younger man, or an older man who wasn't well socially developed in relationships with women.
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I'm with someone who, in the last few months, is showing alot of interest in that area. In fact, sometimes he seems more interested in my rear than in other parts of me.
That's normal, as most men have a preference of liking for a particular physical feature, just as women sometimes do about a man's washboard abs, or that he's tall, or has green eyes, etc.
As for the ass in particular, it gets a lot of attention in the media too. There's the term "booty", and a lot of women are preoccupied with having "buns of steel" and all that. And there is even an obscure word for having shapely buttocks: callipygian.
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It annoys me because I don't find it sexy and I've told him so several times yet still he seems preoccupied with it.
It's a bit much to ask of yourself that you also find the same body part sexy that he does. I don't find my eyes sexy, though women have told me they are. But of course, I would mind if they were preoccupied with it and made me feel that it was the only thing about me that was worthwhile.
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I also feel hurt because I feel like he isn't really connecting with me if he's so focused on what exites him without paying attention to how I respond.
You should talk to him about how you would like him to relate more to you in other ways. Be positive, and try to avoid criticism of his appreciation of your physical features. Certainly it's better than if he didn't appreciate you physically, or if he appreciate other women physically more than you, and only wanted to relate to you as a friend.
Does he have other interests you could share in? Are there fun things you can do together? It sounds like even during these activities, he can't stop concentrating on your backside. Wow, he does sound a bit immature.
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Even when we were having intercourse, he preferrdd it doggy style.
That alone shouldn't be a problem, as a lot of women prefer this position. For one thing, it's a good position for maximal stimulation of a woman's g-spot. For other women, they like the feeling of being "taken" in this position.
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Now I'm wondering if that was so he could pretend we were having anal sex. I've even wondered if he could be gay, because it's the ass feeling that seems to most exite him, or is that just me misunderstanding the whole men and behinds thing? What's the appeal? I just don't get it.
Being a bit of an ass man myself, I can assure you that for most men like myself, anything gay is the farthest from my mind. It's all about the woman. What's the appeal? I don't know if I can explain it -- I think it's just a powerful natural instinct that helps the species reproduce. If we didn't have this interest in sex generally, the human race would probably die off. Why are women interested in the unique color of my eyes? I don't know. But I don't have to know. I'm just lucky they are.
For that matter, a lot of women are ass women too. I know a quite a few who check out a man's ass to make sure it's lean and tight and they find it sexy. I've had a few women fondle my behind too and tell me it's sexy. And I'm sure there are other women who don't think it's sexy at all.
The only real problem I see in your post is that he needs to relate to you in other ways too. If he can't grow in that sense, your relationship might not work out.
I wonder if it would work to "trade" in some ways to motivate him to relate to you in other ways. I don't know him well enough to suggest specifics, but perhaps something like -- you promise to let him do something relating to your ass that he likes if he promises to do something else you like, while holding off on his preoccupation?
One more thought on your comment that you don't find it sexy, or that you don't find your own bottom sexy. Is your bottom an erogenous zone for you? That is, do you get aroused when he touches you there? If not, I can see that it's not as appealing to you. In my case, and I have not idea if this is normal for a man, I get aroused when a woman touches my bottom. So if a woman appreciates my bottom and fondles it, I get aroused and I like being touched that way. So it all works out. By contrast, some people might NOT like being touched there, or they feel it's wrong or dirty to be touched there. If that's an issue for you, perhaps that's something you could work on so as to be more receptive to his touching you that way?
Does all that make any sense? Does it help. Hope so!
If this is a man you have been with for a while, you might want to ask yourself a few questions. It is clear that this is becoming a big deal to you and him. Figure out why it is a big deal before it ruins your relationship.
(1) Have you "conditioned" him to prefer sexual encounters that do not involve traditional fact to face sex positions? Even though it may not have been your intent, most men as sensitive to the desires, wants, and wishes of the women they have sex with and they really and deeply want their women to enjoy sex with them. You vaginismus condition is not something that you could have easily hidden from him and he may be responding the way he does because it is an alternate approach that he thinks you will like more. You just might need to talk about this. He could prefer doggy style vaginal sex because he doesn't see you grimace during penetration or even a look of fear on your face prior to penatration. You may have conditioned him far more than you think.
(2) Has this man you are with had a period where he has been denied sex for a goodly period of time to the point that he has been watching a lot of porn? If so, there is a lot of porn that involve "anal intercourse" because it is a taboo and taboo's to many are erotic, and that sells in the porn industry. If so and you really don't want anal sex, tell him that and ask him if there is some other form of sex that would really excite him. If he is shy, then maybe watch some "porn" together and ask him what he thinks about different kinds of sex acts. You might find something else he has a hankering to try and do.
(3) If it is something that "he likes" and yet "ruins the mood for you," why is that? Sex is something that provides both of you with pleasure some of the time and you with pleasure some of the time and him with pleasure some of the time. It shouldn't always be about what pleases you all of the time, just as it should not be about what pleases him all the time. Figure out some ways so that he gets what he wants some of the time. If he is really into anal sex and you are not, you have options that you can explore that will allow you to be true to yourself and yet provide him with something pretty close to what he wants. They have male sex toys called "sleaves" (google names on the internet like fleshlight). Buy an anal one as a present for him and some night hold it between your legs then guide him to move in behind you and let him go at it for all he is worth, while verbally encouraging him in vivid detail. Become his porn star girl friend for a night!
In short figure out what it is that bothers you. Figure out if you are partially the cause of the problem and it will require months of conditioning your lover so he can respond the way you would now prefer. Finally, talk to him and find out why he wants what he wants and try to either give him something as close to what he wants as you can live with or work with him to find something else that he wants that will keep him happy.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
So is there something that changed? It seems like in this long term relationship if there is something new, maybe something is changing. Or maybe he just wants to spice things up a bit.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
As a female here.....(and I do second everything ssmguy said)
Uh...... no other way to say this but......
ya know............. . . . . . anal can feel rrreeeeeeeeeaaaallly good.
I'll avoid adding anything else or tips or whatever unless I'm asked.
FYI: I also teach comprehensive sexuality courses (for about 10 years now)-- I have no problem talking about or describing anything having to do with any type of sexual act.
Has he actually said or shown that when he's looking at, touching, or doing whatever to your butt, he's hoping for anal sex? Because the two things aren't necessarily related.
Are there men who don't like to do anal? There must be . . . but not necessarily very many. I would guess that most men enjoy it, with a much smaller number to whom it is really, really important and a tiny number who genuinely have trouble relating any other way. I doubt he's in the tiny group, but I guess you won't know unless you ask.
But jeez - just because a guy likes your booty doesn't automatically mean he wants to make you do things you don't want to do. It just means he appreciates your booty!
I'm a curvy girl and even when I was very thin, I had a sizeable booty for a white girl. My last boyfriend endeared himself to me by being the only white guy who ever said he loved my big booty.
This can also be a cultural thing - generally, men of color are more appreciative of a girl with a big booty. Hence, the famous song by Sir Mix-a-Lot;
Guinevere, I'd say the issue here is yours - you've got a man who appreciates your body, and just because you don't like that part, you're not relaxing. Try thinking of yourself as a goddess, and loving all of your body.
To answer MrBond's question, this is with the guy I reconciled with almost three years ago.
Well, I will say that since reconcilling with my (x)W, everything is new again, including everything that happens behind closed doors. She, much like you previously would not have let me any where near that portion of her.
I don't know, maybe it's the whole notion that we missed everything about each other and realize there are things we have never experienced about each other (in all areas of the previous relationship) but it's like she is building up to actually trying that route someday (even bought one of those "his&hers lotion kits). Previously, now way in hell, wouldn't let me go anywhere near her behind in anyway shape or form. Even "doggy style" was a rarety. And on that subject, I will say that at least in my case, that position is great for stamina and I can safely guarentee each and everytime we go that route, she won't be walking away unhappy, if you catch mydrift. Matter of fact half the time things aren't getting her going, she'll lead the way (damn got turned on jsut thinking about it ).
Again, I think it helps to remember that everything is new again. And when things are new, well, you want and do new things. I mean, did you not reconcille because THIS is the person you WANT to be with? I know I did. And I know if we were to have the same old habits all the time, well, what more can I say other than, BORING, and I should have gone the other route when I was at the crossroad of reconcille or move on.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
