I just need some advice about the affair... How do I know if W is telling the truth about no contact with OM and the affair is done? Now that we are separated how do I gather Intel?
As far as I know W had more of an EA than a PA (as the time they attempted the PA he couldn’t perform W said there was too much pressure as he was cheating on his W too).
The sad thing is W met OM during a business trip a few days before our anniversary last August as we were actually working on our M last year as she wanted a D last year too.
As far as exposure to the affair no one really knows besides parties involved, MC, & a friend of mine who has helped me out during this tough time. (W says she has no one to talk too about any of anything that happened. I’ve told her in the past she does, but I can’t help her anymore with that…
Just as I think I have moved on from the affair; the feelings seem to rush back sometimes. I seem to get very angry and frustrated (mainly hurt still) even blame myself even though I know it wasn’t my choice. I do want to move forward and do forgive her if she is telling the truth ( I like too.
Last week W admitted that she finally still has feelings for OM (first time she admitted that, since I first found out about the affair in Feb). Will the stupid high school feelings end soon? Will she realize that we were actually not that bad and say maybe we can do this again?
I have stated in other post she has other issues from the past she is finally dealing with as well, but W says she is taking one thing at a time and feels our M is the first, I don’t get it? I'm trying to say away (by being mysterious) as much as I can now that our S is away visiting family.
This whole situation is extremely frustrating, and I feel that we still have a long way to go and many issues to resolve before our M is all done, but that’s just me... I just need some advice and maybe some help with setting goals..
1. If she is in MC that MC should be making arrangements with yoru wife to SHARE ALL CONTACT info... cell phone logs, text message histories, email accounts, etc... credit card history... ALL her INFO is on the TABLE... This is known as FULL TRANSPARENCY... This is part of the return to the marriage agreement. if your wife is NOT offering full transparency to you and the MC then she's still cheating... Sorry, but those who have nothing to hide will hide nothing.
2. Why is exposure so limited? How can you expect people to help support her return to the marriage if no one is watching OUT for her to HELP her walk teh straight and narrow?
3. When will those feelings end? With full transparency AND a 100% complete effort from HER to REMVOE all possible means of contact... she changs her cell number, her email address etc... And all accounts old and new are open to YOU and the MC for review at ANY TIME without her consult... all her life is under surveillance for at LEAST three months...
If your MC isn't insisting on the full transparency then YOU need to educate the MC on the subject.. its infidelity repair 101... I am a bit worried about this MC
Do they have EXPERIENCE dealing with affairs? Have you done your research on the MC?
SOrry but there are a lot of psychologists that pass themselves off as marriage therapists who don't know squat about resolving marital problems...
After three months of full transparency, MC visits, and fresh communciation info .. assuming she's REMOVED ALL images of the OM from her home... all gifts, all email, etc.. ERASES him from her home.. three months should do the trick...
But my guess is she has gifts of his lying around still.. email from him in her inbox she's reading in secret etc...
This is an ADDICTTION dude, you can't jsut expect her to "stop drinking"... She needs SUPPORT and SURVEILLANCE... She's an addict, you can't expect her to just turn the addiction off with reminders of him all over her home and her PC
Hey Allen thanks for getting As far as the MC I have done my research back in 09 when we first went to see her. At that time my wife was actually working with me... Our MC/ My IC is wonderful and has been dead on about us/W. She knows everything about both of us and has helped us both out more so me. From the time we came back this year and she was the one who told me about Michelle.
MC is the one who knew exactly what my W was doing to me. W decided she wasn’t going back to MC after our last secession last week!! (Last time she did that she was having the affair) this was back in the mid of Jan this year. I wonder why there is always so much drama with her. When my W called it quits with OM back in Feb the first few days after I found out. W had showed me no more Facebook with him, emails, and number gone from phone. Has she been remorseful yes and pretty up front with me since.
It is just hard not knowing what’s up now that we are separated There is a part of me that says she might be in contact with him in some way since he was going to be working up here sometime with the Government. This also ironic to make this short this has happened to her as she was pregnant with her ex... W said she would never do this and I know how her family feels about the whole situation with her ex. Our S is no biologically mine, but calls me dad and I’m blessed to have him in my life.
Both of us haven’t been perfect and we both had faults in our M just never adultery with me. I want to move forward in our M to be stronger, and still think we can. The only person who has given me that support besides the people in this form is my IC/MC. Not family, or friends yes some say that their maybe hope, but most say I’ll just get through.
Yes I know I can get through and move on. However I want my W and family together. I’m going to try harder at the no contact since S is visiting Family out of state. What can I do now besides being patient and acting as if this is going to happen? Any tips or advice would be appreciated thank you talk soon Hope!!
I even just wrote to you on this thread that infidelity is an addiction.. why would you ask "I wonder why there is so much drama with her..."
Do you KNOW addiction necessitates DRAMA? It's the highs and the lows of an endless need for a fix and the crash when reality hits, then the need to escape the crash of reality with .. you got it.. another fix
Its an unhealthy roller coaster.. it is an ADDICTION
Hey Allen, I do understand & unfortunately I havent had a chance to read everything. I've just had a lot of school stuff and work has been super busy at the moment, but I will little by little..
Thanks for responding I guess I'm just trying to get your advice if you think she is still involved somehow & what should I do next except backoff and pull away from her..
You need to get to get in contact with your exposure group and plan how you are going to address it as a group
The usual is for the exposure group to apply PRESSURE, and to refuse to accept OM into their home... Not to accept your wife socially, etc...
If she wants to TALK to one of the exposure group members about hte affair as a shoulder to cry on then that may be acceptable, but most important is for the exposure group to have a FIRM and CONSISTENT MESSAGE
END the AFFAIR or you are OUT of our LIVES
Affairs are very hard to fight on your own.. you NEED family and friends to make it happen
Tulsa time made a post here a few days ago with a nice list of things to do when your spouse is cheating to brin gthem back
Look at that as well... You DO need to EXIT from the situation, but you need the friends and famly to apply the pressure on her...
Just as everyone has told me I need to cut the rope. Unlike last nights events I will try and [url=posthttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=47142&Number=2034581#Post2034581][url=posthttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=47142&Number=2034581#Post2034581][url=posthttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=47142&Number=2034581#Post2034581]posthttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Main=47142&Number=2034581#Post2034581[/url][/url][/url] (Hope it works)!! As Tulsa said the sooner it was exposed the better. I dont know for sure, but as far as I know there has been no contact. It's just tough now that we're seperted.
It's even tougher now that were seperated to know for sure. As far as I'm aware OM & his W were going to work on their M, and her father is a Paster. (Maybe W just said that, but she has been truthful as far as I know since everthing came out..
I have a ? maybe you can shed some light on. W says the affair had nothing to do with her decession on the D. Well how did it help I say when we were working on building a stronger M last year. Well talk soon Hope thanks again
Just as everyone has told me I need to cut the rope. Unlike last nights events I will try and post hit's in the newcommers section(Hope it works)!! As Tulsa said the sooner it was exposed the better. I dont know for sure, but as far as I know there has been no contact. It's just tough now that we're seperted.
It's even tougher now that were seperated to know for sure. As far as I'm aware OM & his W were going to work on their M, and her father is a Paster. (Maybe W just said that, but she has been truthful as far as I know since everthing came out..
I have a ? maybe you can shed some light on. W says the affair had nothing to do with her decession on the D. Well how did it help I say when we were working on building a stronger M last year. Well talk soon Hope thanks again
