I would like some advice, hopefully a few comments from some women. My wife moved back home after a 3 mo. separation. We are giving it a chance to make it work. A little background: W left, said she didn't love me maybe never did, the usual. She dated somebody while we were separated. Well, we have been back together for 5 mo. and she still sleeps in a seperate room. We get along pretty well, she hugs me and includes me in things with her. Basically all that's missing is the sex. We went away a few weeks ago , sleeping in the same bed. I got a little frisky, and not in exact words but if I wanted sex ,she would have let me. I didn't want it that way. She knows for me the sex is also for the contact, closeness,and acceptance. Am I holding on to someone that isn't going to come around? Is this too long already? Many times i've thought about giving up. A little advice please, it might keep me going.
I think you need to read Hope4us's thread. He was in it for the long haul and is just saying his good byes here. But the man has the patience of a saint and I am very glad to call him my friend. Check out his threads.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I need some help, please. I know part of DBing is not to talk relationship but after 6 mo. living together I feel our relationship has stalled. I'm trying to be patient but keep thinking I'm not getting any younger and if I have to buy another house time is not on my side being 49 yrs. old. Would I gain anything? probably not. I just feel the life is being drained out of me. Working on this for years.Having these thoughts every day is not healthy.Maybe I should suggest MC to get us past our hurtle.We are in a better place now than 8 mo. ago. Why is intimacy such an obstacle for women? Thanks for letting me vent my thoughts which I have every day.
Bobby, Sorry I am not a woman but Hey.... I can relate a little with you. W and I had been basically separated for almost three years. Yes we did live in the same house but separate rooms. All I can say is it "takes as long as it takes". About three weeks ago my wife moved back into OUR room but with the understanding she was NOT ready for sex. THEN two weeks ago I guess the moon and the stars aligned just right and we did ML. I know my wife is going through /went through menopause and an also think a MLC. It is taking her a while to get where we are today. Maybe your W is waiting for you to make the first move? I know what you mean by "wanting her to participate" and not just be a “object” when you ML. That was the great part about my moving back to our room on her own. I May have been able to demand she did but like you said. I wanted her to because she wanted to. Maybe you need to take her on a “date”...and doing so keep the frame of mind that this is a date you want to “take home”.. Wine and dancing (close dancing) does loosen up a woman….
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
What do you mean by "got a little frisky"? Does foreplay amount to foreplay for YOU and not her? Was the sex in your mind already pretty much all about you or was your first thought seducing her to make her feel good?
Next time sex is on the table, take up the offer, and make sure she has an orgasm both before and after intercourse.
A woman who hasn't had a rewarding sex life has been conditioned not to get sexually stimulated. This could be what is going on with your W. So, just do it, with a beginner's mind, and make sure she O's before and after. Sex toys recommended.
Women who enjoy sex and are with someone they are in love with want sex.
Once a woman gives up on the possibility of enjoying sex with a particular partner, unfortunately as a practical matter the partner is going to have to show the woman that he can give her good orgasms. This will mean trying something new.
Bobby, The No R Talk Rule apples to when there is estrangement in the M. DB is also about experimentation, and monitor results. In your case, there has been connection. You can share your honesty about the R with her, and see how she responds. Maybe it will be the catalyst to move things forward. At the very least, she will know where you stand.
In what ways has the R stalled? Are there signs of progress you're not seeing? What would you like to share in your R discussion?
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm here to vent, get a slap in the face or whatever else I need. I feel the end is real close, I guess i'm not good at DB'ing. It seemed as if we were making small strides and then W's sister moved away. She was very close and said it's like going through empty nest syndrome all over again. I knew it hurt her, hugged her and told her I was there for her.That was 2 wks ago. I'm there with open arms, I exercise(jog and lift wts), always go to work, help cook and clean, maintain a neet yard, only drink a few beer occasionally, a good carpenter and all around fixer upper to do what we want and what needs done with our home. So what is wrong with me? I can only get as close as W lets me to be, I try. I know somebody will say i'm dependant. That's hard to not be, we have been togerher for 27 yrs. and since a really young age. I'm feeling frustrated and like a doormat trying to make this work with somebody wno treats me at best as a friend. Thanks for letting me whine to all of you.
Someone brought up menopause. Is your W going through it? Having been through it I know it sends everything out of whack. It took a while but things righted themselves again.
Unfortunately just as I was becoming interested in intimacy again H re-meets an old gf from 40 years ago and walked.
Sorry things didn't work out for you. Can you tell me how long your interest in intimacy was gone? And did you blame your H for that at the time? Just trying to get a woman's perspective on this whole thing that I can't fathom. Anything you could share in how you felt could possibly help me. I do believe W is in a depression, MLC, or menopause, and I don't think those things are an excuse to D and should be delt instead of throwing in the towel.
Just trying to get a woman's perspective on this whole thing that I can't fathom. Anything you could share in how you felt could possibly help me. I do believe W is in a depression, MLC, or menopause, and I don't think those things are an excuse to D and should be delt instead of throwing in the towel.
Hi Bobby, I'm sorry I missed your thread earlier, and that you're having such a struggle. Can you tell me a little about where you and your wife seem to be not connecting? Yes, physical intimacy issues often stem from physical causes, but IMHO, it's more often caused by emotional disconnectedness. At least is sure was in my case.
Tell me about how the two of you communicate and how/if you've established new intimacy since you've been back in the same home. Have you had discussions about what has happened? What has she shared with you about her feelings about your M? What have you shared with her about the same? Remember that sex is the ultimate form of intimate communication. If you're not communicating well, and developing intimacy in other areas of your life, sex is rarely going to be successful. (Believe me, I've been there...and some days, I'm still there!) Hang in there - don't give up yet! FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
