Hi everyone. I have been lurking around, reading stuff for the past several weeks and now feel ready to post. I think my H is in MLC, so should I start in the MLC section or do I tell my story here first? I am really needing some perspective. I'm not altogether savvy with all the abbreviations yet so I may ramble a bit.
Thanks to all of you for your replies. I will try to explain my story as shortly as possible. I like to write, so at times, I get a little carried away.
I have been married to the most wonderful man in the world for 19 years. Second marriage for both of us. We have kids, but not together. They are all grown up and live on their own. About 2 years ago, my H had some problems with his job, thought he was going to be fired, then his sister passed away and it woke him up I guess. His father had passed away a year or so earlier. His affair started shortly after his sister passed away. The OP was a coworker. I knew something was wrong because he stopped being intimate with me. When I asked him about it, he told me that he was going thru some sort of midlife thing and I said I would just give him some space and let him figure it out. I didn't realize he was having sex with another woman. Honestly, it never even entered my mind that this wonderful man would ever do something like that to me. I started to get suspicious when he began spending lots of weekends away. So, last fall I asekd him if he was seeing someone else. And he told me yes. He thought he loved her. I was a basket case. Crying, panic attacks, begging, pleading, letters, emails, texts. I did all the things you guys say not to do.
After reading lots of marriage books, going to counseling, talking with friends and getting on anti-anxiety meds, I have finally calmed down to the point where I can talk to him without doing these things so much. He moved out (not w/her) the end of December 2009 and then back in Feb then out again first part of March, then back in in April. He tells me he broke it off with OP Easter wkend, and that she has moved on and is dating other guys. She had moved to another state the day he told me about the A. He has said that they still text or talk on the phone occasionally, but that he hasn't seen her since Easter wkend. He was VERY resentful when he moved back after breaking it off, saying he thought he moved back for the wrong reasons and feeling like he'd given up the love of his life and eternal happiness because he didn't want to leave me with nothing. I need some help with the OP withdrawal stuff too. Not sure how long that lasts or what's involved with that. Things have gotten better since then, and we laugh and talk now. No intimacy, kissing, touching. He travels with his job 3-4 days a week so typically I only see him on the wkends and friday night, monday night. He used to call me when he was away, but doesn't anymore.
From all that I've read, he is definately in MLC, just not sure which stage. I know he loves me and feel that we can work thru this, but sometimes I get so confused and down, blame myself. I have finally gotten over the "need to fix everything" stage and am trying to GAL. I still see our C once a week, but he stopped going. We went to 2 sessions together. In one of my more "enlightened" moments, I sent him the link to the post "MLC for Dummies" on this forum, thinking I was helping him but not realizing that he could follow my posts if he so desired. So he may see this story and know it's ours. Really, I don't care,I just need some help.
These past 8 months have been the worst days of my life. Actually it started to get bad a year and 5 months ago, but after he told me about her, it just turned into something like a bad dream..me thinking I'd wake up any minute now. I have a great support team. 3 close friends and my C. The kids and his mom know about the A. We have forgiven him and I just want to figure out how not to have it happen again..but it doesn't seem like he's ready to work on the marriage just yet. Actually he told me a few weeks ago that he's not sure he wants to stay. It's like he's waiting for something..me to lose weight, him to find someone else, the OP to move back and be with him, me to get a job, not sure what.
I know you guys recommend going on with life like he doesn't exist, but to do that I would need to sell our house and move from here which means D. I don't want to do that unless there are no other alternatives. We don't know anyone in this town and only moved here because of his job. All of our family is many hours away.
Sorry this is so dang long. I haven't even touched on some of the stuff, but maybe it will come out as I post. I keep hoping that we will both come out of this better people than ever and with a marriage that is what we've always dreamt of. But sometimes it feels so hopeless. Other times it feels like we might have a chance. Not if he's still waiting for her tho. And she is so homely and manly acting..not his type at all. Weird
I know it probably isn't what you want to hear but it sure seems like your H just doesn't know what he wants and you need to pull away and GAL and start making yourself happy with or without him.
Best of luck!
Me48 WAW46 M24 yrs S24 D21 D19 EA disc 6/09 2nd EA Fall 09 I move out 11/12/09 W and I switch 1/14/10 D Filed 3/17/10 W moves in with OM 6/8/10 D Final 6/21/10
Since MLC is a mental-health diagnosis, and none of us are mental health professionals, why not just start here.
Puppy
Amen brother Puppy, amen.
With all due respect guys ... why not let her have a look at the resources and reach a conclusion on her own? The approaches are very different in some key ways. How to handle one's own situation should be a personal decision based on as much information as one can gather, IMO.
Now don't get me wrong ... I've learned a TON from you guys, and I've made it to a very peaceful place ... but I needed both perspectives ...
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Ken62, I just read your stats..sorry to see that your divorce was final just weeks ago. i will check out the thread that you suggested. you know that it isn't going to work out with your ex and her new man. It's so sad that they are in such a fog that they don't realize that they're infatuation junkies right now to quelch that fear of growing older. I didn't realize that the process, while unique to every individual, is very scripted also. Like living in la la land or wanting to live a fantasy instead of seeing the real world and knowing what love really is. Also didn't realize that affairs are so prevalent in this syndrome and what an "addiction" they can be. i really need some info about OP withdrawl. I can't seem to find much about it.
It has taken me awhile to figure out what everyone means by "start thinking about you and what you want!". And even tho I am getting it or at least starting to, there is only so much I can do here where I live. If we can't fix this, I will need to pack up a 3000 sq ft house by myself, sell the house by myself, and move to where my family is..5 hours away, by myself. Find a job in this horrible economy with a 5 year gap in my resume-maybe go back to school, no health insurance-scary at my age, rent something that will allow pets. Cause I'm not getting rid of the only unconditional love source I have (besides God of course and that's huge). Anyway, to say that I have my work cut out for me is an understatement. There are times when it freaks me out and then I let God take it.
Since MLC is a mental-health diagnosis, and none of us are mental health professionals, why not just start here.
Puppy
Amen brother Puppy, amen.
With all due respect guys ... why not let her have a look at the resources and reach a conclusion on her own? The approaches are very different in some key ways. How to handle one's own situation should be a personal decision based on as much information as one can gather, IMO.
Now don't get me wrong ... I've learned a TON from you guys, and I've made it to a very peaceful place ... but I needed both perspectives ...
Peace PEI
PEI,
I agree, which is why I recommended Newcomers as a sort of "neutral" place with which to start (rather than in MLC or in Infidelity). It's where MWD suggests that people start as well, and it's among the most-trafficked forums.
He moved out (not w/her) the end of December 2009 and then back in Feb then out again first part of March, then back in in April. He tells me he broke it off with OP Easter wkend, and that she has moved on and is dating other guys. She had moved to another state the day he told me about the A. He has said that they still text or talk on the phone occasionally, but that he hasn't seen her since Easter wkend. He was VERY resentful when he moved back after breaking it off, saying he thought he moved back for the wrong reasons and feeling like he'd given up the love of his life and eternal happiness because he didn't want to leave me with nothing.
LT, I'd like to hone in on the above, because whenever I see this sort of thing, huge warning bells go off with me.
What -- if any -- were the boundaries and consequences that you laid out for your husband to return to your home following an ADMITTED affair?
Coming and going like this is unhealthy (for either ONE of you), and VERY damaging to you as the betrayed spouse. When he openly has conversations about his OW with you, outside of the environment of some good professional family therapy with someone who specializes in infidelity, it can do tremendous harm to your self-esteem, and it draws VERY fuzzy boundaries with your husband.
Please let us know what you have tried in the past, with regard to no-contact, transparency, consequences and boundaries.
Puppy..I hesitate to even answer your post because I have really done all the wrong things so far, and I'm not sure I can handle being reminded of that just yet. You are right about the hit on my self-esteem regarding the conversations about his relationship with OW. Our C tells us that because we are best friends as well as husband and wife, our boundaries have become quite fuzzy. I don't know if I mentioned that I have 3 close friends in addition to my C who I have talked to about this..he has told his mom..that's it. He has no friends and thinks he can work thru this on his own. It's pretty screwed up. My C told me not to even talk about her. But you know..it's like a train wreck..you just have to stop and look. the other day we were driving and he was listening to his voice mails..you know how loud cell phones can be. Well, I heard a msg from her, and freaked out. He said it was an old msg and that he hadn't had a chance to delete it. He let me listen to it and it was old..it sparked a conversation about what was happening with them. and that's when he told me that he still talks/texts her occasionally, but that she is dating other people and has moved on. He said that he is trying to get her out of his system and still has feelings for her and that the longer he's away from her the more he detaches. He said he hasbn't seen her since he moved back.
I'm embarrassed to admit that I have been one of those begging, pleading, clingy wives who would do anything just to have their wayward spouse around. Always thinking that if I talked or changed this or that he would come around. It's sad and I'm not proud of it. Just recently, because of the anti anxiety meds, I have calmed down and started to understand what everyone is telling me about GAL. Guess I'm a little slow on the draw. There were no rules about him coming back. I told him I didn't think we could work on us if he weren't living in the house and that I wouldn't tolerate his having sex with her while being married to me.
Honestly, this whole thing is so surreal that I don't know which way to turn. I have been working on me..reading books, going to C, computer stuff, applying for jobs, diet/exercise, visiting my kids and friends who live hours away. It helps, and I know I'll be ok no matter what..but...and there is always the but, isn't there?..but..I want more than anything to work thru this thing and grow old with him.
