yes i have but i wonder if i am beyond that now. i can't kick my h out. we're already apart. i can't give him the "you're right, we're not right for each other." speech. we don't talk to each other. besides, he's already made such bizarre claims that you simply can't talk to an alien. i feel like i'm just going along with the whole thing.
did he leave me because i 'wore the pants in the r'? what should i do? be helpless? he told me to be more independent and stop me needy and clingy. so i started to pull away and be independent. it leaves me thinking .. what do you want from me? i have to stop here. otherwise, i go on a rant and it's not healthy for me.
but i also want to know why gucci doesn't think he left me for his parents. i have been told that i'm not looking in the right place for answers. i just need some guidance.
If that's the case then all you can do is "let him go". Go get your own life. Start exercising, buy new clothes, look hot, feel good, make new friends, work on self-worth.
Then watch him come running.... If not your better off. period. Everyone needs someone willing to fight for them not someone that can easily throw you away.
Go get your own life. Start exercising, buy new clothes, look hot, feel good, make new friends, work on self-worth.
doing this already. i exercise to keep myself from spiralling into depression. i bought a few new clothing items. i think i look good - i definitely don't need to lose weight. i have made new friends and reconnected with old ones i have not spoken to in a while. i'm slowly working on me. my self-worth was on the floor so i need to work on that.
i can handle it on my own. i haven't relied on anybody for much. my friends have been very supportive.
i live life the way it was before he entered my life. i had a list of things i wanted to do and i'm getting through that list.
my h doesn't text me, call me, or tried to make any contact with me. i tried once only because his mail got redirected to me. but even when i tried contacting him about it, he ignored my call. ever since then, i haven't contacted him at all.
i think it's really bizarre how some folks here still have physical contact with their WAS. as soon as the d-bomb was dropped, no more hugs, nothing. if you don't want me, you don't get any more. setting boundaries. you want out, then no more contact. go to your mother. i'm sure if you need a bj, your mother would be happy to give you one.
....but i also want to know why gucci doesn't think he left me for his parents. i have been told that i'm not looking in the right place for answers. i just need some guidance.
Well for one thing, he got into a relationship with you, he got married to you so apparently he didn't need his mother at that point.
I know you keep pointing the finger at her but let's be real, he can't marry her, he's not going to be intimate with her, she provided him with affection and attention and listened to him maybe when you didn't or wouldn't? It's hard to say, I've read your situation, I don't see a whole lot of where you say you went wrong, I'm not saying this is all of your fault but you must have done something to totally turn him off, this kind of relationship has two people in it, both have a dual responsibility in it, from your own words he's very angry at you, why? Even when you told him that divorce was going to cost a lot of money to him, you told us he said it was a small price to pay to get you out of his life or something to that effect, those are strong words, why does anyone want someone out of their life that much?! Those are answers you have to provide.
You say there is no affair at his end, no OW. How about you? Did you have an affair? Or maybe a male friend that you hung out with or were close to that he didn't approve of?
Sex life? Good, Bad, non-existent?
Did he feel loved, appreciated, welcomed in his own home by his wife?
So many questions that require answers, we need more info. He didn't dump you for his mother, unless you're trying to tell us they have some sort of sick, twisted, perverted sexual relationship and if that's really the case, drop him and move on.
You say there is no affair at his end, no OW. How about you? Did you have an affair? Or maybe a male friend that you hung out with or were close to that he didn't approve of?
no. no EA, no PA. yes, i have many male friends but most aren't even in the same city as me. the thing with my h and i was that we truly trusted the one another. we both knew that cheating on the other person was a dealbreaker. but we both knew from the get-go that we wouldn't do that to the other person. it was a promise we kept and it stayed that way. you can call me naive, but there was never a reason to believe that he would stray. i had access to every credit card bill, bank statement, cell phone record.
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Sex life? Good, Bad, non-existent?
when it was good, it was really really good. certain times of the month when i feel bloated and fat, it isn't so good for me. i think he had a slightly higher drive than me but he never asked for it. he never liked asking for it because he felt he was pressuring me. i think he wanted me to initiate a bit more. on a few occasions i did .. that's when it was really good.
when the discussion of children came up, he hurt me by telling me that he didn't have confidence that i could handle motherhood. it hurt me tremendously to hear my h say those words to me. and that's when things started to go downhill.
when i told him he had hurt me, he said he stood by his comments and that it had to be said. i was shocked. i worked so hard to get everything ready for christmas. his parents came to our house to spend the holidays (2 weeks with the crazy in-laws). i bought the gifts, i wrapped every gift to perfection (and there were LOTS). i cleaned our 3000 sq ft home. i even ironed bedsheets for two queen size beds and one king size bed. why? because the last time i felt it was unnecessary, my h threw a hissyfit at me and to avoid that, i just did it anyway.
when i watched him dote on his parents and love them like they were the only people on earth, i realized how important i was to him. i wasn't. when i was hurt, i was told that the truth hurts and if i reacted that way to every criticism he gave me, then i wasn't encouraging him to communicate. again, my fault.
his mom needed new clothes and she didn't have a daughter to take her shopping and give her fashion advice - like her other friends. so i take her shopping and helped her pick out clothes. i'm actually a pretty good fashion advisor so i picked out something nice for her.
he said he was mad because it was cold in the house and i wouldn't let him turn up the thermostat. well, there is no lock on the thermostat .. he's a big boy. he has fingers. go turn it up himself! i don't care about the thermostat or what he sets it to. and i've said to him, i don't know what you want to set it to but set it to whatever will make them comfortable. i mean .. really .. it's just a temperature setting.
i have heard all of his comments - how he wanted to make our home look good for his parents. everything was for his parents. our home wasn't for us. it was for his parents. the marriage was not a priority.
i feel duped. prior to marriage, we were inseparable. we didn't have a normal dating life. we spent a lot of time at home getting to know each other. we knew that life wasn't about going on dates. it was about living with each others quirks. the in-laws were hardly in the picture. it wasn't until after we got married that the calls became more frequent. you have no idea how many times sex was interrupted by their phone calls. the phone calls would be about meaningless things - "we bought the same coffee grinder as you. but we don't know how to work it, can you walk us through it?" "we have the same dvd player as you, how do we hook it up to our tv?" "we are going to the neighbours for dinner tonight, what wine should we bring?". other times, we were always being told what to do by his parents. "you guys should go to home depot this weekend, xx is on sale. you have to go to home depot." "you know what would look good in your front yard? you should plant a cedar bush. we have one of those and they are great. you should plant a cedar bush." "did you get all the weeds out of your lawn? you have to get them at the root, y'know? are you going to weed today?" "remember to wear sunscreen. i hear it's hot out in the east coast this weekend. remember to wear sunscreen." they were giving advice and sticking their nose in our business. "you really should paint the bedrooms. your house needs some colour. i bought new tea towels that would match your kitchen. i'm sending them in next month's care package. or would you like them sooner? what do you think?" <bp on the rise.>
i was told to put my h first. yet, i didn't see him put his w first. even when his father made crude/insulting comments, my h would tell me to let it go. i would be truly offended yet my h would not stand up for me. his mom constantly reminded him that his father was living on borrowed time. that this could be his last christmas. this could be his last birthday. this could be his last trip. this could be his last meal. we don't know when he might bite the big one. who would take care of the mother after his father passes? oh, she'll just check herself into a home and have no visitors and be alone. and it just makes my h feel like he needs to spend more time with them. that's what happened over the last 2-3 years.
you'd wonder .. why didn't i have an affair? i just don't do that. it's not me to cheat. cheating doesn't solve anything.
i could have been more compassionate. but to me, it goes both ways. if i felt i was a priority to my h, then i would have treated his parents a lot better than i have. but because i felt i was not a priority to him, then what was important to him .. was not important to me.
you are absolutely correct, the way I asked the question did assume mind reading and no one is a mind reader, my apologies on this, this is the correct way that I should have asked the question and another reason that Greek is the gold standard in these forums ;-)
"Did you show love and appreciation to him in his home...using his love language?"
