Okay so here is my story. I feel really scared because I am sure there are others out there that have a story as bad as mine but of course I am feeling like this is really bad and there is likely no light at the end of the tunnel.
Since about christmas I noticed that things were really not right with my husband. Actually I should back track. My H and I have been together for 18yr. Highschool sweethearts; we married 5 yrs ago July 1st. So we definately didn't rush into anything. For most of the time we had a LD relationship because I was in school for 8yrs. He would see me on weekends but we always had a great time and we were always very close. I became pregnant 2007 and had our D May 2008. Life was wonderful. He was a fantastic father-really caring and really took care of both of us. He works nights and I own my own business, which has been a tough go so I supplemented with teaching on the side. I went back to work full-time 4 mo after D was born. It worked out but a lot of responsibility on him because he was the main care giver during the day. Things started to change last year initially i noticed a deficiency in our sex life. We talked about it-he just said it was because he was tired and that we would work on it. And then it would be a bit better but again would dwindle. I didn't think much of it b/c I was still breast feeding and D was in our bed frequently so I just chalked it up to that. I can't say that I was totally in the mood either. By christmas of 09 I really started to realize something was wrong. Very little to no sex and then when I brought up the topic of a second child was shocked to be told that there wouldn't be one. He was furious with me and told me 1st that we couldn't afford it and then said that he didn't want the responsibility. To make things more clear in addition to taking care of our D he was also watching his 2yr old nephew (they are 9mo apart) once/wk. At first it was good b/c his brother would take care of our D 1x/wk but they started not doing their end of the bargain and I became resentful. I stopped going home for lunch b/c it was always a gong show and I didn't want to take care of his nephew and wanted my H to stop but he wouldn't. So when I asked about a second child he responded with he knew what it took to take care of 2 children because of taking care of his nephew and knew he didn't want that responsibility-physically and emotionally couldn't do it. I tried to explain that it wouldn't be the same-we wouldn't have children that were 9mo apart! But nothing I said made any difference it was not now and not ever! He then later softened and agreed that maybe in the future but not now. Christmas is always crazy with his work b/c he is in shipping business so I just left him but in January the crazy work hours continued. He finishes at 2am and is usually home by 3-4am after he finishes paperwork. He was coming home at 6am,7am and sometimes at almost 8am. Our D wakes up btwn 9-10:30am. He was getting no sleep. I was getting very worried. This went on until april and was increasingly getting <. He would also not spend time with me. On weekends he would sleep 1/2 the day and then we would go shopping and do things for the house but as soon as D was in bed he was out the door. There was no chance for us to connect. We went out on some double dates b/c I thought that would help but as soon as we would get home he would be out the door. He leaves at 12-1am. I was devastated. He has never done anything like this. He was always so loving and wonderful. Again I thought it was just too much pressure of taking care of our D. In april I had had enough and chatted with a friend about the sit. she had a GPS tracking device that she had to use on her H so she lent it to me so that i would get piece of mind. I placed it in the car and as soon as I did I realized my H was lying to me. He told me he was going to work early and I watched on my computer as he went to a very seedy end of town. No idea why he would go down there. I called him and told him I followed him. He lyed and told me he had to pick someone up to take in to work. He was there again after work. I called him and told him I knew he was there again. He finally told me he was at his bookies. Long story short he has a gambling problem and has put us into a big amount of debt. He has 2 lines of credit that I didn't know about. One is maxed out and the other is about 1/2way there. When we finally had the big blow out I ended up involving his family in order to do this b/c he wouldn't talk to me. In the end he told me that he started gambling b/c he was bored with our life and that he no longer loved me. I made matters < by calling someone at his work that I thought was a friend but as it turns out things at work haven't been great and so now knowing my H has personal problems they are placing blame on him....likely he is the problem with lack of sleep and huge debt I imagine it would be hard to keep on top of things at work. He is now on probation at work and initially blamed me for it. I wish I hadn't called his work it was a big mistake. It was the next day that we started counselling but the damage was so great at that point nothing was going to work. We went to 4 sessions and I felt that at the end of every session all the problems were my fault and I needed to change and back off and I was pushing H out of the marriage. I didn't understand. I hadn't read the DB book and the councellor didn't really explain the importance of me backing off. You would think I would understand but I didn't. Now after all the reading I have done I finally understand but I feel like it is too late. I don't regret cancelling the councellor b/c I still think he was crappy but now I don't think my H will ever go again and he isn't getting help for the gambling. He continues to "work" until 6am and is going out every weekend late at night. He has told me to leave him alone. He doesn't want a D but doesn't want a relationship with me either. He has told me the dreaded "I am not in love with you." It gets < after we started seeing the 1st councellor things were initially getting a little bit better. I had stopped calling him and was trying very hard not to bother him about his whereabouts. He was intially coming home early from work. Then oneday I was between clinics and home for lunch. He asked if he could go to the gym. He was gone for 11/2hrs and then later that night I get a call from my cousin who tells me she saw him down in the seedy part of town but he was with an asian girl. Not holding hands not talking but clearly walking together. She said hello and he said hi back but didn't stop. Not his usual behaviour-he is a very friendly person and this would just be so rude not to stop. she said he went into coffee shop and so did the girl. She waited outside and then decided to go in but he was gone and she didn't see the girl either. I confronted him and he immediately told me that he had gone to place a bet. As for the girl...there was no girl! He denyed it and then said that there were people in the parking lot and he can't help it if someone was walking along side him. My uncle has then come out and said that he has seen my H with an asian girl and they were walking holding hands in a mall that my H would never go to. He said at first he didn't think it was him but then when he looked again he is sure it was. Again I don't have concrete evidence but 2 diffent people seeing him with what sounds to be the same woman. It shouldn't matter but my H is asain and I am caucasian. I don't know why it bothers me so much the race of this woman but maybe it is b/c he never had an interest in being with someone of his own culture. He even gave that remark when I told him who he had been seen with. Again I am not going to be naive about this. I am assuming he is having an affair. It would explain a lot of the behaviour but at the same time I wonder who would put up with seeing someone btwn hrs of 3-6am? Also why continue to deny at this point? It makes no sense. Just tell the truth! He has a blackberry as well that he is always on and he is very secretive about it. He will not let me touch it and it is password protected so I can't get into it. I started seeing a new therapist. Didn't tell my H but was on vacation last week together and so I told him that I was going out. He asked where I was going and so I told him. He didn't say anything. after I returned he asked how it went. I was shocked that he even asked and he didn't say anything nasty. We always go to montreal at this time of year for our anniversary and Jazz festival. I had asked a couple of times if we were going to still go. He said that if I wanted to go then we would go. He went out after I got back from councellors to get oil changed for car and when he came back he had bought himself a brazil jacket and our D a brazil t-shirt and had bought me a canada olympic jacket. I took this to be a good sign. That night I asked again about montreal and he said he would book hotel in the AM. I went out the next am and did some errands. I ended up buying a gift for him for our anniversary. I came home and he was out. I saw the computer was on and internet was up. We were trying to remember the name of a hotel and I could see he had been searching so I started to search myself. I then went to open a new tab and realized that the tab was on a site...emedicine.com "thoughts of suicide". He had been searching about suicide. When he came home we went for a walk together with our D and when we were getting ready to leave he said "Come on J take a walk with daddy b/c maybe he won't be here one day to walk with you". I also noticed that when he crossed the street he was practically running in front of the cars that were trying to turn. He did book the hotel before we left for the walk and that night he packed his bag. We were going to leave in the morning but then he went out that night and didn't come home until 4? 5?am I am not sure anymore b/c I have become so exhausted that I am finally just sleeping through it. Next morning I get everything ready and we are waiting for him to get up. I keep nagging and asking him to get up. He finally does and then our D was nasty to him...she is 2 so you can imagine they can be brutal at times. He starts pacing around the house and I can tell he doesn't want to go. I finally ask what is wrong and he says he is thinking whether he wants to go. He gets in his car and takes off and tells me not to call him. I am devastated. 45min later he comes back and we go. Later in the car he says why couldn't I take the hint that he did't want to go. He is angry with me. The trip down was treacherous. He wouldn't stop and our D had peed through everything and was sitting in a puddle of pee and he still wouldn't stop. She was crying and got so worked up that she vomitted. He still wouldn't stop! It was horrible. Finally he stopped and I spent the next 45min cleaning her car seat and trying to dry it for the remainder of the trip. I don't know what is wrong with him. He is taking his anger out on our D now and I am starting to wonder if he is competant as a father. When we were in montreal things were good. Our D was really good so that really helped. The only thing lacking was again no affection. to the point that he had a pillow placed between us in the bed. It is so hurtful and especially there b/c we honeymooned there and ended up staying in the same hotel. It has always been a romantic setting for us and he wouldn't even hold my hand. Fireworks on canada day and our anniversary and no hug no kiss no arm around the shoulder....nothing. He wouldn't even open the gift that i got him and wouldn't open the card. When i mentioned the card he said to me "like that is going to change anything. Do you really think that I care? Do you think that it matters at all?" This is after being in montreal for 2 days and having a good time. I guess I shouldn't have gotten the gift and I shouldn't have gotten the card. I ended up ripping the card up in front of him and told him he would never have to read it or know what it said. In fact I had gotten something really light and humerous. I didn't get the usual gushy card that I would normally get. We came back on saturday and it was a good ride back despite some impending car trouble with the radiator. As soon as we got back though he put all the clothes away, started laundry while i was cleaning up in the house and then he went out. We got in a 10pm and he was out the door at 12am to "play poker with guys from work". I don't know if this is the truth or not and I never see a phone call from anyone. If he was txting or calling someone it was either at a rest stop when he went to the bathroom or in line when he was getting food at a rest stop. He didn't look at the phone once while we were driving. He is just so secretive and then tells me he is going out 1min before he is about to leave. I hate it. He also leaves at a time where he knows that I will be home and have no intention of going out so I can't leave and force him to stay home unless I go somewhere and don't come home at all. Okay I think that is more than enough information for now. I am sorry that it is so long winded. I don't really know what I should do at this point or if my marriage is salvagable. He is still living at home and we still sleep in the same bed for the most part.
Any advice at this time would be helpful. How can I get him to be honest about the girl? He said in councelling that there was no OW.
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
Have you read the Divorce Remedy book? If not, get it ASAP.
In the meantime, here are some does and don'ts to put into affect:
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf. 21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you for your reply and all the info. I have almost finished the divorce remedy book. I have tried to put a number of the techniques into effect. My problem is that I am having difficulty making them last.
I have completely stopped calling him and I really only call when it is necessary. I realized a while ago that calling gets me nowhere and he just doesn't answer the phone which makes me feel worse. So this is one thing that I have been able to do but even though I have done that I haven't seen any change and when I do have to call he still doesn't answer his phone unless he is at work.
The hardest thing for me right now is his going out at 12-1am and staying out all night. He is getting no sleep and I know it is just making everything worse. His behaviour is so juvenile I sometimes think he is my 2yr old!
I have gotten better about saying nothing but sometimes I just lose it and it usually happens on the weekend. So I will go all week being good and keeping things civil but by the end of the weekend something will trigger me and I am making things worse. I see that now but at the same time I get so angry b/c he has done all this horrible stuff and yet somehow it is all my fault.
I know I have to pick myself up by the boot straps but I guess I just have this fear that if I do all of this and it still doesn't work I will feel rotten that I did all of this and still came up empty. Again I guess this is something that I have an issue with and need to work out.
Thank you again for the reply
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
I am 33 (soon to be 34) and he is 34 (actually 35....he came to canada as a refugee and they scewed up the year he was born so by canadian citizenship he is 34 but actual age is 35!!:)
Our D is 2
When I tracked him to the bad end of town and he finally came home that am. He initially told me he was in an illegal gambling ring and that he went to casinos with other people and cheated the system.....if you have ever seen the movie 21...I think this is what he was referring to as to what he was doing. He told me that there were women and men and that that was the life he wanted and that he was no good and that I deserved better and should therefore leave.
The next morning I went into work and then crumpled down on the kitchen floor. My receptionist had to cancel all my patients and I didn't know what to do so I did call his sister. My H has a large family 4S's and 3B's.
I went to her house told her everything that I knew. Gambling problems run in his family. His mother had a problem and the sister that I went to...her H had had issues.
So that weekend we basically did an intervention b/c I was still tracking him and he was still going down to the same area. His sister went down there and waited at his car for the whole day until he came out to it and then he came to the house and that is when he basically told me that he started the gambling b/c he was so unhappy in our M.
My H comes from a traditional asian family. They are not good at discussing issues or getting involved. His parents know about what is going on but have not gotten involved. I think they have probably told him to smarten up and fix the marriage but that is about it. They would be devastated if it ended in D and likely very embarrassed. It would not be looked upon nicely.
I have a feeling the gambling is in part due to pressures that he may feel with the family. He does not earn as much as his B's and S's and with me owning my own business that I have had to start from the ground up we do not earn as much as the rest of the family.
At christmas his father made a comment that we were the poorest. I didn't hear or see this but when I was asking him what was wrong he brought this up and started crying. My H is a pretty emotional person at times. He cried at our wedding and cried when our D was born. So when he started crying on telling me this I knew it was very serious.
The suicide site I am taking serious. When we were on vacation we went to a restaurant for lunch and our D was being very difficult...it wasn't very child friendly and they only had booster seat. She still needs to be strapped in. She kept trying to get up and almost fell out of the seat a few times. My H was losing it and then he started looking at his wrists and said "the mark is gone now". I couldn't take it anymore and that is when I told him I knew he had been looking at websites and that I would file for D if that is what he wanted. I just don't want him to kill himself b/c he feels there is no other way around this. He said nothing.
M=42 H=51 Common-law 6yr Children: 11yr old daughter (previous marrIage) 6yr old son Bomb dropped January 2013
botanygirl, don't worry about irritation, etc. You will soon learn the "personality" of this board. I use to write posts that would compete with your first one(lol). But then I realized that people don't read real long posts as quickly as they would look at a shorter one. Some folks dedicate long hours to the board and it's easy to give a short reply that might sound a bit blunt to a newcomer. Don't take it personally. You are in enough emotional pain as it is.
I thought I would never learn my way around the board when I came here. It was a new experience for me!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The suicide site I am taking serious. When we were on vacation we went to a restaurant for lunch and our D was being very difficult...it wasn't very child friendly and they only had booster seat. She still needs to be strapped in. She kept trying to get up and almost fell out of the seat a few times. My H was losing it and then he started looking at his wrists and said "the mark is gone now". I couldn't take it anymore and that is when I told him I knew he had been looking at websites and that I would file for D if that is what he wanted. I just don't want him to kill himself b/c he feels there is no other way around this. He said nothing.
You need to get a professional involved ASAP!!! This is much worse and more complicated than a MR in trouble. You need to contact a suicide intervention professional.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
