confused but then again hell who isn't

[dc329]

Hope I put this in the right area

My Husband told me this last weekend " I don't want to do this anymore" He is financially stressed and feels like he is the only one pulling the weight feels as if he will never get ahead. We have been married 17 months and have a D1. I have a S18. He has resentments towards my S and now that my S just got his GF pregnant he is even more upset. Out of anger I told him I would move out but then later after I had calmed down I thought I'm not going anywhere this is my home and I have a baby. I told hom that I would not agree to a divorce b/c his reasons were rediculous and solveable. Of course that didn't help. I told him I would fight for this, us, our family, our home. He took it as I'm going to rake him over the coals in court. He is ALWAYS so defensive. For the past 3 months we had been bickering back and fourth about my S, money, sex, our D alot of BS basically. Due to our bickering I get resentful and I don't feel like having sex and I pull away emotionally and shut down. All this has kinda just snowballed and I know I have allowed to let it get out of control. Truth is I don't really know how to be married and I'm kinda sucking at it I think. But I do love my husband and I know he loves me as he says so. He said no matter what He loves me, always will and I will always be his #1 priority due to our D.

He was affectionate the day after this meltdown and I asked why and he said he can see Im hurting and he will not ignore it. He still tells me he loves me. Then he sent me a text that he wanted a Divorce WTF really a text. Well I had an emotional day and started the crying and the blubbering and he started to shut down but he did agree to hold off on a D and just seperate he said he couldn't stay here though and would leave for a while but we could work on it. He said he resented having to leave a house he had to pay for and not be able to live in. He is still here but it hasn't even been a week yet.

We hadn't talked for two days I try to busy myself or be asleep when he gets in just to avoid conflict. So I started reading DBing and I am feeling better about me. I don't feel like crying and I think because I wated till I 36 to get married Im not terrified to be on my own and it's not hopelessly awful for me. I am very strong willed and now Im starting to question if I want to be in this. I love my family and my husband but there are some of his shinanigans that I'm not sure I want to deal with. He has a habit of having female friends and I feel the friendships are disrespectful to me to an extent. I do not believe he cheats but he needs to flirt to stroke his ego and he has to have the attention. These females come and go NONE of them have ever stuck around for more then 3 or 4 months the communication dwindles and it is on to the next one. They don't reciprocate the flirting they look at my husband as being a funny charming guy. It is usually his co-workers or women he meets due to his job. But it bothers me that my husband needs to have his ego stroked. I know he has low self esteem I just don't know why. It is upsetting to find that your husband can txt some woman random BS 50 times a day and Im lucky to get a text or two. Or that he is willing to give them relationship advice but not talk with me about ours. I know my husband has low self esteem even though he wont admit it. He used to say all the time "I don't know how I pulled you, your so out of my league" I just thought he was being silly but sometimes I do feel like he likes to show me off. I also knew my husban was a huge flirt when I met him so I accept it to an extent. He will flirt with them if they are 20 or 80 it does not matter age, color, looks, weight nothing he is just a flirt. I just think some of it is disrespectfull now that we are married and raising a family.

So today he calls after not talking for 2 days and he sounds happy so I sound happy back we talk random BS then he said he wanted to call because we haven't talked in a few days...no s**t ya think ( I did not say that). He said he just wanted to hear from me. When he ended the conversation he said good by, talk to ya later and I love you so I returned the I love you (not sure if that was ok) I dont want him to think Im a B. I feel like Im at a cross roads. I don't know if he is just freaking out and thinks running is a good option, if he is using this as a threat to effect change or if he is just a jerk who wants to bail on his family. Then I think well geeze if your so quick to bail out on us so soon in the game who says the next time you feel stressed I wont have to go through this again. Not sure if it is important but he is 7 years younger then me. I am looking to go back to work now that our D is 1 and my S moved out so I'm thinking maybe that wil relieve some of his stress. He asked me to spend the 4th with him at a BBQ he said he wanted me to go because he wanted me to have fun and because he wanted his wife there. He is so damned confusing and I don't want his confusion, confusing me.

[ShellDoll]

Unfortunately DC, he will remained confused until he is willing to look at HIS problems and FACE them. Our task is to avoid being pulled into the drama/confusion/BS, etc.

I know it is hard. My H did the same thing and continues to say he is confused to this day. Fortunately (or not depending on how you look at it), he is away and I have some time to focus completely on me. You have to focus on you and your daughter. She NEEDS to experience SANITY in a relationship with you. She is 1 right? I am sure these are the most precious moments a parent can build with their children and I know you are doing a GREAT job. You seem to have a lot of love in your heart for your children and your H. It is just unfortunate that our spouses tend to view th situation singlarly.

Continue to be a wonderful and supportive mother of both your D and S. They need you more than ever. Your H will eventually see the errors of his ways and begin to think about what he stands to lose....


Keep your chin up and take care of YOU. You are doing great!

[dc329]

Yes she is 1 and she is what keeps me strong I do thank God for her. I may waver a bit but she keeps me focused. I guess my problem is I know Im strong and whatever the outcome is I will be ok but he confuses the hell out of me and Im not sure how to react.

Example we went to a 4th of July BBQ I was detached but not unpleasant or ugly. I was nice and interacted with his and our friends. Half way through the night he says your not to talkitive and starts rubbing my knee. Then on the way home he holds my hand (hasn't done this in months). He is all intrested in how Im feeling we get in the house and he wants to hug me and tell me he loves me then he gives me a kiss. Just before I lay down to go to bed he asks for another hug and kiss telling me he loves me. He is leaving Tues. for space. Is my strength making him week or is he trying to make me weak for control.

I do believe other people can make you crazy if you let them I hate to see him go but seriouly I need my space now. I'm sick of his BS which is what it feels like a stupid game and I don't appreciate it. Of course I remain calm and my emotions are not waived. If Im going out Im going out as a lady with dignity and strength intact even if its only on the outside.

[newmama]

He is so damned confusing and I don't want his confusion, confusing me.

It is not fair to send you mixed signals. You listed some things that bothered you about him, especially how he has female friends. I am not telling you that you should get a divorce but that you can use this time to reflect and think about what you really need and want in your relationship and marriage with him. So that if he decides to give it another chance, you can say "OK but I need some things to change, like.... and .... and...."

I do believe other people can make you crazy if you let them I hate to see him go but seriouly I need my space now.

You are so smart!!! YES IF YOU LET THEM! And taking space helps you to get perspective and establish a boundary: DC DOES NOT put up with head games!

I'm sick of his BS which is what it feels like a stupid game and I don't appreciate it. Of course I remain calm and my emotions are not waived. If Im going out Im going out as a lady with dignity and strength intact even if its only on the outside.

Bravo! You sound like and advanced learner when it comes to DBing, as long as you mean what you say....there are a lot of big talkers on here, and then they cave a couple of days later. Or they expect immediate results. One thing I did (and yeah I am still getting divorced) but I didn't play into the victim role, and I didn't do anything until I knew I could follow through and be consistent!!! And I am proud of that. But the classiest thing you can do is to remain calm and be that lady with dignity- what a good example for your kids!

[dc329]

Newmama Thank you and yes I do mean what I say. He is pushing me into a corner I don't want to be in. I do need and appreciate this time and space. I need it that I know for sure. I am afraid he will cave in and start calling and texting because when he left today he didn't pack much and acted as if he was irritated by leaving saying he wouldn't be gone long. He does not know how to not have communication with me I've seen that in the past he will call non stop to check on me then get mad if I don't answer. I did not cry and have not cried. I believe I am only a victim if I allow it. It is not easy staying strong but it is necessary for my well being and I know this. He has tried to irritate me (control games I think) but I say ok and walk away. He has been overly affectionate, I think to see me break but seriously Im on a whole nother level. Im concerned that he may have pushed me to the point that I don't want to be a part of his confusion if it is going to mess with my head.

I think I am fortunate in the fact that I waited untill I was 35 to get married and I know what is like to be single and on my own raising a child. I've had crappy relationships and learned the hard way. It took alot for me to get married. I'm like the run a way bride and he knew that so for him to act like this really bothers me when he worked oh so hard to get me. I'm concerned that I look at pictures of us and cannot cry. Im going to go to counseling for me not my marriage because I need guidance for myself.