JUST SEPERATED with kids...not happy.

[gunsnsails]

I just need to work on myself. I'm done with the cheating. I can't do it again and I won't subject my kids to it.

I'm still going to read the book. It might help me later but it might also help me in my own problems.

Thank you.

[sandi2]

That is really what we do here. People come seeking help for the M, but find that they have to fix themselves before M can be fixed. You have been alotted time to work on becoming a brand new man(or finding who you use to be) and improving...and moving forward.

[gunsnsails]

I'm having an extremely difficult time dealing with this issue. Since I found out about the affiar, everything has gotten ugly. We agreed on damn near everything for the seperation agreement until it came to the kids. I explained to her that the kids need to feel comofrtable through it all and need stability so they should stay in the house. I am moving back to VA in January and I told her I intend to move back into the house. She will have to find another place but she may come over at any time or take the kids out anytime. No major restrictions. At first she agreed because she knew that was best. I haven't seen my kids for more than 10 days at a time over the past 3 years. Later, she renegged and told me she was taking "her" kids and she will fight me.
I don't want to fight her. Unfortunately I have damaging evidence that, if brought into the open, would not be good for her. It's not much but posiibly enough. I just don't want it to get that far. I want what's best for the girls and she's not seeing it that way. This is all still very much painful for me.

[irishblessings]

Gunsnsails -

I usually post on the Midlife Crisis site - but I was browsing the WAS side - needing some extra support today.

I am starting week 6 of a separation. I am filing for a Legal Separation this week (something I thought I would NEVER do). I am standing for my marriage - but I have to get some structure back in my life because all I've been doing really is reacting to my H's every move. I need to take control of my own stuff and since my 16 yr old son is with me - I've got to give him more stability.

When I read your last post, it seems that you are "reacting" to the pain rather than "responding" to the situation. If the infidelity is your dealbreaker this time - then embrace that about yourself and take the steps to move on. However, I sense that you are not sure. If that's the case - then you MUST allow yourself time to heal from the pain - and then begin to take steps to become the man you want to be.

I always thought that infidelity would be a deal-breaker for me, but when it happened 21 years into a marriage / I came to a place where I said "a handful of bad decisions can't erase a lifetime of good" - that's who I am and what I wanted to model for my kids. Now I am 25 years into a marriage and for the last 3-4 years my H has been lying, cheating, etc. - but those are HIS behaviors - not mine. Right now that is who HE wants to be. Right now, I want to be a person who examines themselves frequently and tries to improve on my own. Right now, I want to be the person who treats everyone, including myself, with respect. Dr. Dobson defines respectful people as those who carry themselves with quiet dignity, self-confidence, and common courtesy. Somedays I'm successful in all 3 areas, somedays I'm not. But those are my goals for myself and for my interactions with H.

I really encourage you to step back from this situation as much as possible and take the time to reflect and heal. Be a great dad to your kids - see them as often as possible - offer to spend more time with them with no strings attached. Let her go. Rebuild yourself and your relationship with your kids. I believe that a by-product of this will be a renewal of feelings in your relationship.

Call me pollyanna:)

Read DB and Dobson's "Love must be Tough" - very helpful. Go to www.marriagebuilders.com and sign up for their daily newsletters. They are very helpful as well!