Intro and my Sitch

[1967lost]

Hi all, I really don't know where to begin. I'm 1967lost. And I am lost really.

This is my first time here and I'm not quite sure where to begin nor am I sure this is the right forum to be in actually, but I'm trying.

My husband has basically asked for a divorce. I have to admit, the final straw was something I did. I lied to him about some bills being paid. I have no way of telling anyone how sorry I am, how much I regret lieing, how much I miss him, how much I love him. It's just not possible because he was the entire world to me and still is. I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling.


He swears there was no one else and I believe him as he has never lied to me. But now he has found someone that he has went out with a few times, he says that her and I are on equal ground with him that our relationship still stands a chance and that we need to start seeeing each other more and talking more to rebuild his trust and see what happens. He has never cheated on me and he is fully aware that I have never cheated on him either.

But he has added things to his unhappiness like my house being a pig sty (I have now cleaned and will keep it clean), my lack of energy (I am seeing the doc and figuring it out), my lack of respect and not showing him enough love (and I have been doing more of that lately as well) but he moved out . I am devastated to say the least. I do nothing but cry and clean and want to talk with him. We have been married 23 years and together 24. We have a family, a life....we have so much and so little without each other in my opinion.

I pick up the phone 100 times per day to call him, but make myself stop so that he does not think I'm tryinng to stalk him or something.

Two weeks ago we had a talk, by telephone, and I finally just asked. He says that he will always love me as a person but not as a wife because I have broken his trust and his heart. He says I have the chance to earn his trust back and be his good friend, which he wants very much, and that maybe something will happen in the future and maybe not as no one can tell the future, but right now he can't trust me as far as he can throw me but he also said "if I'm not back in the house by then" when discussing an upcoming family reunion. And he is now talking about us seeing each other more and stuff too. Actually, he asked me out for saturday night.

He also now says that we have a chance to rebuild the relationship and that we will always be friends first from now on. We have talked about feelings more and things that were lacking, plus we have even talked about the other woman in that he was having a fight with her LOL and he called me because before we were married so long ago, we were best friends and would always call each other for advice no matter what the situation. Natural for him to call me, it was hard and he told me that he knew that but I told him it was okay. We are friends and can talk when he needs someone if he wants to call.

I am lost. I am lonely and I can't think straight. I don't know how to do this anymore.

How do you divorce someone you love? How do you walk away from the biggest dream you have ever had in your life? How to you give up your best friend? How do you move forward from something like this? How do I ever do anything again? And am I supposed to, does he really want this?Is him talking to me and saying that we need to see more of each other and try to rebuild hopeful, is it a move in the right direction??

Neither of us has hired a lawyer at this point. And I don't see that happening financially in the very near future...but I know he says it will come. But can I earn his trust back by then and have this relationship repaired?

Please help me. I don't even know what to do now.

Also, just for the record. I have never lied to him about anything other than those bills. EVER. He says that he knows this.

I told him that I truly love him. He says he knows this too but it just doesn't matter right now because he can't trust me at this point and that must be rebuilt before he can think of moving back or creating the relationship again totally..

So he came over one day and we really talked.

He wants to be friends and to work on our issues. If we can resolve it, good, but if not, he wants to be friends.

We talked about a few of the things that he sees as problems in our relationship and I CAN see those things too....we talked for four hours!! I can't really remember a conversation like that between us in so long...it hurts to think that we had lost that somewhere along the way.

He let me know that I need to show him, not just tell him, that I am learning to handle money better...that he can trust me to pay the bills and to work toward a financial future rather than letting them go. he also said that he is working on making himself a better person too, that he recognizes that there are some changes he needs to make as well and that he knows it's hard but we are both working on ourselves and can see each other through as friends and see what happens then.

We also talked about lack of passion in the bedroom and really discussed that for the first time...not just him telling me but me explaining some of my fears to him too. We responded to each other and got a clearer meaning of what was actuallly being said, not just listening, but hearing what each other said. That was soooo nice. He even kissed me goodbye and told me he would call me later or tomarrow.

I can't say this is going to work out. I don't know. I do know that I am going to give it my best effort to make some of the changes that he thinks are necessary...not because he tells me they are but because I can actually SEE that they are necessary and would be a betterment to me as a person as well as to us as a couple.

I'm just very scared and get very lonely. I never know if what I do is right, but I am feeling my way through here and hoping for the best. Anyone have any advice? Anyone have anything they can tell me? Has anyone been in a similar situation and had it work out and save the relationship and what was the turning point for you? He had a really rough day yesterda and was sick on top of it so I ended our talk on the phone with "I love you" it just seemed the right thing. He asked if I expedcted him to answer that at this time, I said no and explained that I had felt it was the right thing, he'd had a bad day, was sick and needed someones love at that point, so I let him know he was loved. Period. Probably not the smartest thing to do, but I did it.

I also have taken to not calling him the past week. I respond if he calls or texts but let him initiate all conversation and follow his lead. This has seemed to be something he really likes. And seems to respond to.

I do see an IC and he told me that I am making great progress in myself as well, that he sees the changes and that it sounds like I am doing the right things....told me to just do what felt right and make sure it was the right thing for me. So that's what I am doing.

[1967lost]

And yesterday we talked/texted off and on from 4 pm til 2 in the morning. He would have to go (his job is on call 24/7) but would recontact me as soon as he was done with the call. I would then respond. It was a LONG intense conversation but it was nice to speak to him and really talk about some things.

Sorry this is so long. I guess my story is just as complicated as all the ones I have spent the past few days reading here. LOL. But I just needed to vent and share.

Nice to meet everyone and look forward to hearing from all of you.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

'67,

I didn't read your entire post, but I don't have to.

Your husband is full of [censored]. I think if you'll check, you'll find out that his affair with this other woman began BEFORE you lied to him about the bills. In fact, I'd bet my 15,000-post, 6-year reputation on that. I'm not saying he may not have some legitimate marital complaints -- I'm sure you both have roles in the prior dysfunction of your marriage -- but I AM saying that this is classic infidelity "fight-picking" that he did, and you're falling for it hook, line and sinker.

So let me get this straight: he CHEATS on you, and tells you that you are "on equal footing" with his mistress, and you are to what ... COMPETE for his affection? hAHAHAHAHAH -- I hope you laughed at him! No, wait ... you are pining for him and cleaning for him and begging him back.

That's not going to work. Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm busy today and I like to get right to the point. Do some good, independent intel (I'm sorry, "I asked him if he cheated, and he said he didn't, and I believe him because he's never lied to me" is just incredibly NAIVE), and I'm sure you'll find out that what I'm saying is true.

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I guess my story is just as complicated as all the ones I have spent the past few days reading here.

Nope; actually, they're all pretty much the same.

Seriously.

Puppy

[PMA_Baby!]

67 - I unfortunately agree after experiencing same BS myself.

Stay strong. PMA

[Coach]

I am lost. I am lonely and I can't think straight.

Your H has a girlfriend, a wife and can call his wife for relationship advice about his girlfriend. And you are the lonely one?

Stop that nonsense. You are his wife not his BFF.

Keep working on the things you need to so you are the best '67 you can be.

I told him that I truly love him. He says he knows this too but it just doesn't matter right now because he can't trust me at this point and that must be rebuilt before he can think of moving back or creating the relationship again totally..

this is how he will keep you off balance, he will keep thowing the trust issue up to keep you in line. Next time he brings up the OW or trust you say, "I agree trust is important in a marriage. I have been thinking about our marriage and I have decided that I won't share you with another woman. In order for me to trust you I need you to be focused completely on our relationship." It's non-negotiable, he wants both of you (cake-eating) and it's not acceptable to a strong, lovable and devoted woman.

You can handle it.

Cheers
Coach

[1967lost]

Well, I have done research into the mistress. She is an old high school friend. We have mutual friends and I have found no contact between them until a week before he left. I also had his passwords and such for all his accounts up until two days after he left and he had never had any contact with her up to that point. I was on the computer most of the time (an addiction that I had that I have now broken for the most part) and would check that once in a while. He has also told our children (21 and 23) about her and when they went out for the first time....it was father's day weekend.

So, I know that he did not go out with her prior to leaving me, prior to this all starting....but I know that he has now. At least a couple of times in the past week or so. I don't know. I know that his mom (which is where he moved to) said that he had not left the house other than for calls for his job up until father's day weekend too with one exception. He went camping with friends the weekend before father's day for one night.

I'm hoping that I can trust these things that this did not start months ago. That would be nice, but I'm also smart enough to know that this is ongoing at this point which is just unacceptable period. So either way, there is another issue to work on between us.

[Generosity]

Originally Posted By: 1967lost
I guess my story is just as complicated as all the ones I have spent the past few days reading here.


Nope; actually, they're all pretty much the same.

Seriously.

Puppy

Hi 1967,


Yes, if you do read thru enough posts here, you do find that it's pretty much the same story.

I let myself get sucked into the same song & dance, & am paying the price for it now.

This is a great place for support, knowledge, and gaining insight into the patterns most cases seem to follow.

Take Care,

Sunny

[Ready2Change]

First off, puppy is wise. I strongly suggest listening to his words with an open mind.....

Hi all

Hi sweetie!

And I am lost really.

sorry to hear you are lost. We can help you find your way back to where you want to be.

This is my first time here and I'm not quite sure where to begin nor am I sure this is the right forum to be in actually, but I'm trying.

Welcome. You are posting in the right place. Keep posting in this thread so that everything is in one place.

My husband has basically asked for a divorce.

Sorry to hear this.

I have to admit, the final straw was something I did. I lied to him about some bills being paid.

Go read mathew 7:3.....

He has lied to you, but judges you and blames you. We all lie.

I have no way of telling anyone how sorry I am

Sounds like a good place to do some personal growth.

This works: "I am sorry a lied about the bills." You only say it once. then never look back. Learn from your mistake.

how much I regret lieing

He is hiding something.

how much I miss him

I would like to suggest that you feel the pain. It is repressed and needs to come out, just DO NOT DO IT IN FRONT OF H. It is normal. We have all been there.

how much I love him. It's just not possible because he was the entire world to me and still is. I can't figure out how to express what I'm feeling.

Just feel it. Your feelings are normal.

He swears there was no one else

He lied to you.

and I believe him as he has never lied to me

Be skeptical and the truth will be revealed.

But now he has found someone that he has went out with a few times,

Is it OK with you that he is seeing someone?

he says that her and I are on equal ground with him that our relationship still stands a chance

You are worth more than that. Do not compete with this woman. We will give you the tools to make beg you to come back......

and that we need to start seeing each other more and talking more to rebuild his trust and see what happens.

I strongly suggest that you do not give him all the power. Collect intel on the truth, validate his feelings and set some boundaries with our help. Puppy is very good.


[/quote] He has never cheated on me and he is fully aware that I have never cheated on him either.

We all say this. It is OK. HUGS

[quote] But he has added things to his unhappiness like my house being a pig sty (I have now cleaned and will keep it clean), my lack of energy (I am seeing the doc and figuring it out), my lack of respect and not showing him enough love (and I have been doing more of that lately as well) but he moved out.

Time to work on you.

I am devastated to say the least.

Yes, we understand. we are here for you.

I do nothing but cry and clean and want to talk with him.

Are you lonely? Can you talk to others?

but make myself stop so that he does not think I'm tryinng to stalk him or something.

good for you. Do not pursue him. That makes things worse.

"if I'm not back in the house by then"

It is very important not to let him back in the house. It will go against everything you believe, but I have seen marriages saved when the LBS DOES NOT LET THE WAS BACK IN THE HOUSE.

Actually, he asked me out for Saturday night.

Do you really want to be option #2....Reject him and let him feel the feelings you are.

He also now says that we have a chance to rebuild the relationship and that we will always be friends first from now on. We have talked about feelings more and things that were lacking, plus we have even talked about the other woman in that he was having a fight with her LOL and he called me because before we were married so long ago, we were best friends and would always call each other for advice no matter what the situation. Natural for him to call me, it was hard and he told me that he knew that but I told him it was okay. We are friends and can talk when he needs someone if he wants to call.

Do you want a friend or a H???? He is disrespecting you....

I am lost. I am lonely and I can't think straight. I don't know how to do this anymore.

I am so sorry. Put your faith in this support group and God. Everything will be OK.

How do you divorce someone you love?

I did. I love her but am not in love with her. Not my choice. It only takes 1 person to get divorced. Best chance for you to get your R back on track is to listen to Gucci,Puppy,Coach and Sandi2.....others will give good advice also.

How do you walk away from the biggest dream you have ever had in your life?

Create bigger dreams. This is your life. You only get one shot. Live today. You and H are on different paths for now. accept it.

How to you give up your best friend?

Set them free. If they come back......

How do you move forward from something like this?

One step at a time. One Day,hour,minute, or second at a time.....

How do I ever do anything again?

Decide what you want to do that you enjoy and go do it.

But can I earn his trust back by then and have this relationship repaired?

We will help you will earn his respect.

Please help me. I don't even know what to do now. I'm just very scared and get very lonely.

We are here for you. We will help you through this most difficult time in your life. Everything will be OK.

I told him that I truly love him.

Last time OK sweetie?

I also have taken to not calling him the past week. I respond if he calls or texts but let him initiate all conversation and follow his lead. This has seemed to be something he really likes. And seems to respond to.

Do not take all his calls. Do not respond.


I wish you well. This is a time of great personal growth for you. It is important to focus on you and not the R with your H. We will help you respond rather than react to what is going on in the R.

[Ready2Change]

Well, I have done research into the mistress.... I also had his passwords and such for all his accounts up until two days after he left

Keep gathering info, BUT DO NOT tell him what you know and for sure not where you are getting it. Now is a time for you to be very observant, listen and not say much......