Separated, MLC and Infidelity - with kids

[Optimust]

She is demanding D now. FIL went by W’s work yesterday with her step mom and I guess chat was super short. Normally he always takes her to lunch but didn’t ask. W avoided talking with me and kept me from coming over to see D14, then called at 11pm, chit-chat, chit-chat, then,,,BAM - “You’ve ruined my relationship with my father and everyone else(based on my exposure of her PA), everyone is on your side, I have no one. If I can’t have a relationship with my dad, I don’t want one with you. I want a D and that’s final, I have some papers I want you to sign.”

I’m really not feeling to hot right now. At all.

[Optimust]

Did not contact her as said above, she TM me 'Are you home?' an hour later, I was, but was headed out the door to avoid her, and TM 'what’s up?' back. She said,’ I will put $xxx in our account for the bills as normal if you sign this (D)paper.' I believe that is extortion. I hate to think of it, but now she is f’ing with the money. Well, I said I would be back in an hour or so and she could try calling me, she didn’t, so I TM’d her and D14, ‘goodnight, etc’. I want to avoid signing until at least Monday, so I have the week to give to my L, as well as our state mandatory 90 waiting period starts at that point on D.

If she doesn’t put money in joint account I will need to adjust for it, but not much. I will not be able to cover mortgage very long (if at all) so I will just stop making payments. Oh well. I’m going to consult a bankruptcy attorney tomorrow I think.

After I said goodnight, she wanted to know when I was expecting to be with DD’s based on having next 2 days off, I said over night 2-3 nights, and with me during the day both days, and asked if she was interested in going to church on Sunday, when she said,’ No, you take girls with you, I will take them next Sunday(would be 1st time at church for her since she has been in A)’. I replied,’ No bad can come from going to church together.’ Her,’I will go by myself, thank you, since you stole my father’s heart.’ Silent pressure she is putting on herself, along with some from OM, seem to still be effective.

I’m still thinking that she thinks all of her pain will go away with a D, everyone will just forget about A and her other poor choices, everyone will fall in love with OM, and her life will be better than it ever has been.

As far as the comments, ‘Stealing my father’s heart’, and ‘What I did to you(A) was wrong, but you had no right to talk to my dad and ruin my relationship with him.’, should I rebut them with,’I didn't ruin anything, all I did is tell the truth to some one who cares deeply for DD’s, you, and me.’?

Thanks again for any input.

[irishblessings]

Optimust,

I'm not an expert here - however I understand your dilemma. I have been going through a similar situation.

Here's the bottom-line as I see it: You have to decide the kind of life YOU are going to lead. It sounds as if you continue to go to church and are trying to make good decisions. I don't think lying to FIL or anyone else for that matter is necessarily the right thing to do. Now - I wouldn't take an ad out in the paper announcing the A / but I think you can honestly look your W in the eyes and say - I'm sorry you feel that way, but I responded honestly to your father because I am not going to lie.

You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. Just my two cents worth!

[Optimust]

Just a couple new things. Today was my day with DD’s, and I did not instigate any contact. She must of got bored and/or curious and started TM me about 11 am. I kept all answers very short, and made sure they invited no replies. She sent quite a few throughout the day, enough that I got tired of replying. I’m thinking of just going to a no TM format with her. It might piss her off, but she is using TM to make sure she doesn’t talk to me. Then again, maybe it’s best I leave it like it is, and keep doing my thing, and leave her to be the curious one. Or a hybrid, where I only answer a few of them? I don’t know - input welcome.

Also got a new IC. I go to a very large church, and their member services gave me a few names. I asked them for someone who was a Christian(all were, lol), and one that was very pro-marriage(again, big surprise all were), but the one they recommended I saw today, and looks to be a very knowledgeable man. I’m going to see him next week also, he says he has helped a lot of people through this journey, and has a very mannerism about him. He believes in standing, to a healthy point, and a very faith based outlook.

[irishblessings]

Opti-

I've been trying the same detachment - H texted me the past two days / yesterday I did not respond / today yes-no answers.

I think the counseling sounds great - sounds as if he will support DBing.

Have good weekend!

[Optimust]

The whole separation thing is really setting in. I dropped DD’s off with W, and felt awful, knowing I would see very little if anything of them until Tuesday night. I know that I get to see them a lot more than some people get to see theirs, but it doesn’t change the fact that it sucks.

It will be interesting to see if we go to church tomorrow. I’m still trying to figure that whole thing out. Is she going to show the girls she is a good person, or to ask for forgiveness and god’s acceptance of her affair (which is stupid, I know), or to enjoy the service with me? It is very intriguing.

I hope you are all having a good weekend.

[Optimust]

I feel I’m just sitting on death row waiting for the 90 day state waiting period to expire. W went to required childcare during a D class yesterday, and I will need to go also, I was supposed to go with her, but apparently she chose to go alone.

She invited her dad and his W over for dinner for tonight at her place, but then cancelled on them last minute, and has left to spend the night at OM’s. If she is trying to get back in their good graces, I think stuff like that will backfire on her. Her dad and step-mom do not want anything to do with OM at this point, and continue to disagree strongly with the decisions she is making.

We go to see a bankruptcy L tomorrow to see what options are there for us. I’m concerned we make to much for a chapter 7, and I don’t want to go 13. We also need to set an appointment with the foreclosure L too, to see if maybe just the house goes back. I’m hearing that if we stop making payments on the house that we will most likely be able to go 6-12 months in the house without payments, hopefully if that’s the case, I can save some up for a down payment for something else someday.

I continue to GAL with the gym and church being the main distractions, they are both becoming things I look forward to. I have friends wanting to take me out and do things, but I don’t drink, so that kinda cuts into a lot of that stuff. I need to start golfing again, I was in a tournament yesterday and had a good time. I miss it a lot. Normally 1-2 times a week, but since this mess started, Iv’e only gone three times in three months.

Oh ya, she did not go to church Sunday either.

AND, I’m awfully lonely these days.

[Optimust]

The BK lawyer was really cool and knowledgeable, been doing it for 35 years. Basically, there is a good chance we make too much money for a chapter 7 right now, but we won’t know for sure until we finish a financial questionnaire and turn it in. Whatever I find out I will let you all know, and puppy, I will try and get you as much info as I can as it becomes available.

My new IC I found through my church is Christian and very pro marriage (I know, imagine that). He feels that a true heartfelt apology from me to W about the things that might have led up to her discomfort in the M, including specifics, how they effected W, and changes that are being made, as well as truthful dedication to those changes will be necessary for my mental and emotional health. Part of the whole 12 step detachment. But also to make sure that I leave it at that and do not go anywhere near the whole,” Sooo, let’s see about getting back together.” But rather to leave it at,” Our future I leave in God’s hands”. (or something close).

So now I need to figure out the things that were dissatisfying in the M. IC asked what W complained about leading up to this. She didn’t say much. I do know that she felt neglected and taken for granted. Not real sure of other things. I think most M have a lot of similarities, so if you folks can think of any common things I might need to consider, I would like to hear them.

I am not taking any blame for the A, yet I am not going to bring it up either. If she brings it up, I will do what I can to change subject back to M. But, if she tries to twist my apology etc into something she can blame me for the A, then I will defend the fact that those were her decisions, and I will not own any part of the A.

[Optimust]

W is still very much in contact with OM as normal, 2-5 phone calls a day and 20-50 TM, and she spent the night there three nights ago. So apparently it was his needing to spend last weekend with his son that caused her to basically be nice to me as well as not contact him much. This weekend should be interesting. She has DD’s, and knows OM is not to be near them, especially D8(D14 already met him).

I’m a bit flustered in the fact it seems that she is getting everything her way. It’s like she is blissfully just waiting it out, for the 90 waiting period. Always pleasant to my face, but definitely likes her space away from me. I keep waiting for A to implode, and I’m worried because of the geographic distance(over 1 hour between homes) that keeps them from seeing each other everyday gives them the sense that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

FIL and his W are very nice to me, but they are basically telling me to face the fact and be a realist about everything. I’m a bit worried that I might become the bad person for ‘standing’ to long, because others might see it as unhealthy and that I’m in denial? Does anyone ever feel like everyone around them sees D to be blatantly obvious, and that LBS is a koo-koo nut case?

Here’s a question for anyone: We are $50k backwards in our mortgage/house. It was suggested by FIL to cash in 401k and wipe out the $50k inequity? That just seems like a bad thing to do. First, I don’t know if I want the house without W. Second, 401k’s are protected from all legal and collection matters in case I/we went bankrupt. Third, the difference is $350(the 2nd mortgage), seems I would rather make $350 payments (if I can) to save $75k 401k money($50k + $25k tax penalty approx for early withdrawal)?