file for D? Or is there something else i can do?

[Jstar]

I have been on here since NOv. 09 when h and I seperated. My former posts have been here we go again, part 2 here we go again.

this is kind of where I am at. since our seperation in november we go through times of talking then darkness initiated by him and by me. during this seperation i gave birth to our 2nd child. we've had sex 1 time very VERY akward.

The complaints he voiced to me have been about his family. he always wished i would speak to his parents and sisters as he says be one with his family. over the past 3 months I have spoken to his mother more then him. so that is not an issue. i even brought that to his attention a month ago.

i said something to the effect of ok well seems to me i've got a relationship with your family so that nowm eans all our troubles are over?

other complaints or rationalization on his part has been that since he didn't have a job that was why we argued. so now that he has "work" a job since feb. hmm we still have problems, now it's his money not ours. so another one of his complaints that are not there any more.

he goes through a period where he wants to be around kids and us then goes dark. again we are stuck in limbo land.

about 2 weeks ago we agreed sort of not to speak about divorce but we aren't talking about anything else.

i'm not really sure what I should do?

should I come to some sort of decision or approach to him to the effect of; boundaries

kind of like a get counseling or file for divorce
provide 1/2 income or i will get court order


Help..

[Jstar]

Today was the first day I saw h in about a week or so, was 2 days of nc. i had to take kids to mil's where he lives for an interview. he wasn't there at first but was for about 30 mins or so. I go early since s4 mos is breastfeeding and won't take a bottle of breast milk.

when he came in my whole mood changed, i left earlier then i wanted, got in the car was totally upset crying and had to tell myself no don't bother texting him your upset he doesn't care, get ahole of yourself, put ona good face for interview,

i was doing ok, ignored him while he was there, until he wanted to pull d 2.75 upstairs, he said something angry to me down the stairs. i told him if he was going to show anger infront of kids that he has for me i will have to even limit more contact he has with kids. i would have to deal with their upsets when we got home having seen their father 1 time in weeks.

i just put together a timeline of sorts of how many days he's visited with kids. most of the time he visits about 3-6 days out of the month. criminal behavior for my kidos.

so i download the parenting book the court has and i'm putting together boundaries and consequences for him, high lighting key points.

i'm going to mail it to him, not that he would read it

[Jstar]

I sent some documents to h. we do not seem to be able to ever talk in a room without it getting to an arguement.

i put together nothing with pleading or begging. in short i stated i wanted my marriage but can not have kids and me living in limbo with not moving forward. i said by the time i return to work i will either be well on the way to getting a divorce or h and i committed to each other and kids to work out our marriage via counseling etc. etc. (probably sounds like an ultimatum or crunch against time)

we have childcare issues that are unresolved, i have his truck my car sits at his house broke down for past 2 months, him hiding money, not involved in kids lives sees them 3-6 times a month for minutes at a time, needing to get them healthcare.


i stated i did not want to take a hard line on his behaviors, stated boundaries and consequences. in short: if he does not sit down and talk about our outstanding issues, parenting plan, continues to be a dead beat absent ghost father(drive by daddy) i will continue to document is lack of involvement in kids lives, consult an attorney, petition the court to have his rights severed and have him pay my attorney fees.

i also included high lights from the courts parenting plan, everything that i have said to him for years about children, visitation, their best interest,. he tends to think i'm full of crap and just say these things to keep the kids away from him.

no where did i state filing for divorce or custody but i mean business,. he can either step up be a father involved regularily consistently in the kids lives, continue to live at his mother's tiny apartment with 4 other people who hoarders.

i don't know why i think this will be different, i think he's banking on me never filing for divorce. i guess for me i should set a deadline. take it as one week at a time. if he is making progress - we are making progress. if there is nothing in 3-4 weeks follow thru with the consequences.

since then i have gone verbally dark, text dark, vm dark, only commo has been one sided my letter and him today wanting to know where i was at to come get something he needed out of the truck.

i've been on here for some time now, seperated 9 months, i don't have any faith, and then go back on, well if he didn't want to be married why wouldn't he file for divorce, visitation etc.? what is he waiting for? can he possibley think we would remain legally married, seperated for years?

anyone been in limbo for more then a year, no progress, no counseling, go through times of talking?

as i type this and think, what the hell am i doing? isn't this a lost cause? shouldn't i just file and let it go, damn my beliefs? 3rd marriage for me, now what? i don't have money like Liz Taylor.

[Jstar]

i am proud of myself for not responding to his text today. and the one the other day, i spoke to his mom since it was her that wanted to ask me something.

today i was getting ready to respond and said whooohhh hold on, dark, don't say text anything, usually i would send something back in a way of ha funny how you want me to respond and jump when you need something but when i need something u ignore,. i stopped that dead in my texting fingers, got the kids and bought a kiddie pool to help us cool off.

seriously, why give me his truck, he does not have another car, i've had it one and off for 2 months, consistently for the past 2 =3 weeks?

he did this before, i had his truck, i was dark, getting ready to head to seattle for d18 graduation, had to pick up kids at mil's and he was there and trying to talk to me. i broke my silence, he took us to airport, gave me 100 dollars. it's like he can go days weeks without us talking then when he's ready just pick up where we left, what the hell is that? start talking to me as if nothing is wrong, talking about going on vacation together. then kids and i come back from graduation he ditches us at airport refusing to leave work, then goes back to no talking and ignoring.

he wants us when he wants us and i should not do taht to me or my kids.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Jstar,

I think you're very close here, but I'd strongly suggest removing two key stances from your approach:

1:

i put together nothing with pleading or begging. in short i stated i wanted my marriage but . . .

***Here, you LEAD with a "softening statement" that greatly diminishes the effect of the attempted "tough stance" that follows. Again you do it here:

. . . I stated i did not want to take a hard line on his behaviors, stated boundaries and consequences. in short: if he does not sit down and talk about our outstanding issues, parenting plan, continues to be a dead beat absent ghost father(drive by daddy) i will continue to document is lack of involvement in kids lives, consult an attorney, petition the court to have his rights severed and have him pay my attorney fees.

***Everything you just listed there is wonderful, and is how most of us would encourage you to lay out boundaries, but you killed its credibility right up front with the "I don't want to take a hard line" preface, which -- combined with your own personality (I'm guessing you're naturally a non-confrontational person?) and your past history with him, he knows damned well you're not going to follow thru on any of this?***

no where did i state filing for divorce or custody but i mean business,. he can either step up be a father involved regularily consistently in the kids lives, continue to live at his mother's tiny apartment with 4 other people who hoarders.

***OK, this is very good, but again, he probably doesn't take it seriously . . .

i don't know why i think this will be different, i think he's banking on me never filing for divorce.

***Of course he is, you just told up right up front that YOU DIDN'T WANT TO!!***

i guess for me i should set a deadline. take it as one week at a time. if he is making progress - we are making progress. if there is nothing in 3-4 weeks follow thru with the consequences.

NOOOOOOO!!!!

2. Never convey a deadline to a wayward spouse. It's like telling the terrorists when you're planning to withdraw the troops. If you give your husband a deadline of, say, August 1st, then he will take that as your tacit approval to continue his crap behavior, wayward ways until July 31st, at which point he will promise you the moon and the stars to get you to call off whatever dogs you have planned as your stated consequences.

There's only one of two ways that I've ever seen effective with "deadlines." Deadlines should be INTERNAL -- something you set for YOU, as a means to be able to deal with the situation emotionally. But you either say to them "You're right, this isn't working, I agree with you we should divorce" (immediate deadline, knowing that the wheels of 'justice' move showly), or you say "I hope you'll hurry, because my patience, and my love for you, is running out every day from your behavior."

I think if you'll do these two things -- and MEAN it -- you'll see some success.

Puppy

[Jstar]

Thank you for responding. Unfortanetely I all ready sent the letter before I could remove the contraditions.

I would have to say I am confrontational, at times bluntly honest even if it hurt, but i really have no clue now. with everything that has been going on in my life and all these transistions, i'm in sense trying to find myself.

i set goals for myself, i get going well and then the steam gets led out and i'm back to square one. Today i started painting the outside of my house. might take me weeks but i will get it done.

i don't really gal i spend all my time with the kids and doing house projects.

[Jstar]

something brought to my attention.

i text a friend of mine of 16 years, happens to be a man. we have always been friends nothing more. we have been talking on and off.

i've been asking family and friends what they are doing for the 4th, his response was going to his brothers, would i like to come. i said i didn't think his invite was serious.

after some thought and him telling me where ever he is i am welcome. my thought was this: i'm so messed up from my relationship with h. i said to my friend, i'm legally married-seperated for 9 months, have 2 very young children, fat. wouldn't it be wierd or ackward to go.

i told him i'm coming from a place of rarely feeling wanted or need and always last.

i feel guilty if i went like ihave violated my marriage vows. Would I be if me and kids went to my friends family house, saw old friends from 16 years ago, them being the opposite sex?

[Jstar]

it's been a week no commo at all with h. no calls asking how kids are, his truck, no response to documents i sent.

is there a time i should come out of darkness or just follow thru?

[Jstar]

so it's been over a week since any contact with h. he calls this am to ask for his truck knows it's short notice, then about an hour calls again saying he's just gonna come over and pick it up.

i did not respond to any msg, me and kids were out

now he can call and ask for his truck but nothing about the kids. or am i just the awesome of a mother???? sarcasim.

[Jstar]

I am at a real loss here. I've posted and blogged and get one to two comments/suggestions if that.

Is my situation so gone without hope?

Does no one know what to say or offer in advice?

today h showed up unannounced wanting his truck. gave me twenty bucks my car and left.

i have such hatred for this man and yet hanging on.

contacted an attorney for advice.

can anyone not care so less or nothing for their children?

Think that days weeks could go by and everything is just peachy and we should be opening our doors to him.

my 2.75 g was fighting back tears then she got angry and told him to go away. i thought my heart break was over. it breaks for her and what she feels.