Had a decent day. Went shopping with one of my best friends and bought myself some new clothing. Trying not to buy too much, as I am not done losing weight, at least I hope not! Am 2 sizes down since H left right after Easter. Still have at least 15 more to go. Came home and tried to take a nap, but no luck. Met up with friend and her kids again and kids played and we walked laps around the track and then went out for ice cream. So, did try to keep busy. H texted me 3 times on my way to mall to ask about scrape on oldest D leg and about bug bites on middle D. Said to remind oldest to put Neosporin on. I responded as short as possible, although I thought, "Duh, I know what to do with the children since I have done most of the childcare myself", but I refrained.
Evenings are the toughest times, though. H called to say he would come and visit kids after he gets off work tomorrow evening. The rest of the time on the phone he said next to nothing. I stupidly asked what was up with him(will I ever learn?) and why he is friendly and chatty one day and happy to be around me and then another day or two has nothing to say. All led to stupid R talk that as usual accomplished nothing. He still thinks this may end in D, but then again says he doesn't know if the friendship that we have a good bit of the time will be able to be the foundation for our M to work out. Says there will be big changes we will both have to accept, no matter which way it works out. I said well of course, obviously if we D that is a huge change and if he decides he wants to come home and reconcile that we both have changes to make. Other than that, nothing was accomplished and I felt sad and depressed when I got off the phone.
Then I am up half the night because I can't sleep which frustrates me to no end. Kids are asleep and I am alone with my thoughts, which is not a good thing, most of the time.
I clearly need much help with detaching and staying distant and keeping my mouth shut. Maybe a 2x4 to the head would work. I am screwing up at every turn it appears. I know what to do, I think, but just having a really difficult time actually doing it.
Wow, your story sounds all most identicle to mine. I am having such a hard time-its been 3 weeks to the day since my H dropped the "I am unhappy and want out" bomb. We went to couple counseling sessions and he felt like it wasn't working. He then tells me just last week that he just doesn't want to be married anymore. Wants to try life on his own. We have 2 Ds-4 and 6 that just don't understand why Daddy doesn't want to be home. Its awful. He wants to spend time with them-he has always been a great father. Just doesn't want to be my husband right now. Killing me inside. So we are separated right now. He is with his mom but wants to get an apt. UGH!!!! I am trying to not give up on him but holy cow, I am going crazy. I want to give him space but so afraid that he will find someone new. He's got a lot going on inside of him so trying to be understanding. I don't get why you would give up all that he has. Having a rough day. Going to be a long one.
Since both your stories are about the same, I will address you both equally here...
You both do the same thing I used to do...You are reading into each and every thing that your H says and does, if you let it, it will consume you...
Easier said than done, however you need to change your perspective and put the focus back on you and your children...
Lay your boundaries...
Both your spouses want space, give it to them in spades. Give them so much space they start to wonder what you are up to...
I have 2 boys so I know it is hard, if at all possible when your H walks in, you walk out...Even if you are just going to sit in the center of the mall, he doesn't need to know that...To him you are busy and have things to do, a life to get.
Act as if...
He may wonder or he may not, however eventually you will see the focus will turn back to where it needs to be and you will be better for it.
(((((Hugs)))))
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
Thank you for the advice, it really does help put perspective on things.
I really think its the only way to get him to get back to himself but its just so hard. The old saying "if you love something let it go" right?
I noticed that he wasn't wearing his wedding band, i lost it. Didn't freak out on him but I did ask if I could have it. I gave him mine and I took his. Debating on wanting to take it to get engraved. My hope and faith is that he just needs space but I can't give up on him. We have always had such a connection. He even says things like "I could be your best friend and live next door."
I don't need another friend, I want my husband back. Being in the home that we shared is torture-everything reminds me of him.
Time, time, time-everyone keeps saying that. I wish i could see the future so bad right now. Is all of this patience and pain for nothing? Am I ever going to not feel so awful?
Since both your stories are about the same, I will address you both equally here...
You both do the same thing I used to do...You are reading into each and every thing that your H says and does, if you let it, it will consume you...
Easier said than done, however you need to change your perspective and put the focus back on you and your children...
Lay your boundaries...
Both your spouses want space, give it to them in spades. Give them so much space they start to wonder what you are up to...
I have 2 boys so I know it is hard, if at all possible when your H walks in, you walk out...Even if you are just going to sit in the center of the mall, he doesn't need to know that...To him you are busy and have things to do, a life to get.
Act as if...
He may wonder or he may not, however eventually you will see the focus will turn back to where it needs to be and you will be better for it.
It is hard, very hard. My wife did it just over 15 months ago. Divorce in process. She moved out about a month ago. On a 10 day vacation with new boyfried. We have 3 sons that are hurting as well. You will find right now it is about them and what makes them happy. They don't see how you are hurting or care that much. They can't feel how your kids are hurting either. I wanted to try, she did not. I made a fool of myself for 6 months trying and then called it. Everytime I think I am past everything, something happens to bring it back.
You will find this site helpful to get through days like today. Quite frankly, I am having one of those days. It is a decision that he has to make if he wants to stay or not. Give it sometime, however, you can't live in limbo forever. People will say on the site, give it months, years, etc...Only you can answer the question as to when you have had enough.
You will need some good friends. You will need your kids. You will need to be the strongest person you have ever been. The best advice I got is that you have to be ok for your kids. They can see when you are hurting and you have to avoid them seeing you like that.
There are plenty of times where I have been hurting, tired from lack of sleep, you name it. But you just have to put one foot in front of the other...
Today will end, you will sleep and tomorrow will be another day. You will get through this however it ends...
Be strong.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
My W dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb in January. I spent 5 months pursuing until she filed for D in June, which is when I FINALLY found this site. I have had many long nights wondering and weeping. Last night I kind of felt like I accepted what is happening and finally got a pretty decent night's rest. It may take a while, but you will get there.
Take care of yourselves and focus on your kids. They are my salvation at this point. They will love you unconditionally and you them.
