Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[gatsby11]

Hey P,

I copy and paste everything Seeing Red just said.

I can't wait for my little girl to get two weeks older. The smiles are just barely barely starting but then they seem to turn into screams half of the time. Ha ha!

About sharing info with WH: My first reaction to your question was HELL NO! But then I read others' opinions and they're probably right. It would be really hard for me. I like the picture idea, though.

Talk to you later!

[newmama]

Piano I sent you a message on FB. I hope you are doing ok.
(((hugs)))

[Piano]

Hi NM, will go over there n check.

I'm wavering today.

Thinking HELL NO to updating WH (photos, news).

He has been away 2 weeks, not emailed once to ask how baby is.

WH is like ...a ghost!

He's back today and I feel a shadow over my life again. Doing my best to Change my Thinking in order to change my Emotions in order to Change my Actions.

Calm, Cool, Collected. Face brutal reality. Laugh, love, live when I can. OW and WH: NOT MY PROBLEM!

Thankfully you guys are here... and I am seeing my IC tomorrow which should help!

Good night with BIL last night. MIL flies in tomorrow - she's staying at my flat (I am at my mums ) with BIL. Dinner with them tomorrow.

Re Waywayrd FIL. Not sure he feels guilty like hell, but it's thrown a few questions up for him, and removed that 'armour' he was talking about which stopped him from feeling bad all these years, that's for sure. Our sitchs are differnt enough for me not to over-compare them too much.

[4luv]

I just caught up on i don't think sending pics is a good idea. i know you are trying to do the 'right' thing but you have to let a man step up and be a man. Do not try and control the situation. If he is going to be a father then let his actions show them. There is no need to coerce him into fatherhood by sending pics (that he did not ask for). now if he asks for pics then by all means send them...if he asks about the baby then update him on the baby. But if he doesn't ask don't send anything. Sending something when a person doesn't ask is a form of control...controlling or expecting a response from them. Let him show you what type of father he will be.

[Piano]

Ha!, thanks 4luv, we were posting at the same time! I was on Gucci's thread.

Thankyou so much for your most helpful post!!

"Do not try to control the situation". I AGREE! This has been my big issue. I am a fixer and what the last 6 months has taught me is that that has destroyed my M (at least any chance of reconciling anyway, post-bomb). So no more of that.

WH is going to fail as a father, I just know it. He doesn't have it in him, and livng 17,000kms away which is his want, he'll never have the chace to turn that phrophecy around and make a go of fatherhood. Perhaps why I am so desperate to "save" him/us/the child from this fate.

Ok, so now I just need to let him do the work.

Another q while I have you. I feel like a "sitting duck" sometimes. Here I am, limited in my ability to take off and hide (which is what I feel like doing, in order to heal) because I have this newborn. I am quite restricted because newborns are a lot of work, and I can't move about for too long because of various doctors visits for the baby, and because I have to move out of my apartment and lease it etc because I can no longer afford the mortgage (thus I am living with mum). WH is back in town to 'wrap things' up with me, I suppose, and I just don't want to let him destroy these next few weeks/months while he is here, waiting for him to call so he can see the baby at his whim.
Any tips for how to survive this time?

Another issue is that while WH is here back in the country for this short while, it is the last time I am going to see him for probably a year or so. So I am feeling a lot of anxiety around that. I want him to be gone so i can "relax" and recover, and yet I am devastated to see him go....

Should I try to 'gutsy' and facilitate the baby visits myself? It's the last time he will 'see me in action' for a very, very long time.

[4luv]

Piano,

no problem and i really feel the need to respond to you because i remember how i felt being with my newborn not too long ago (my son just turned one...yay!) and having my husband talking to the OW. The difference is that your husband has already planned to move out of the country. For this reason I am going with my gut that your first priority should be setting up a something legally regarding child support. Don't even press the visitation issue right now but if your husband tries to pull that card do not be frightened. No judge in family court would allow a newborn that you are breastfeeding to be away from his mom for a long period of time (confirm this in your county) but I am pretty sure it is true everywhere. I am just worried that your husband is going to try and dodge his financial obligations to your baby as well.

Don't overwhelm yourself at this time....take things easy breezy. i am also a fixer and i spent countless hours on this board trying to worry about how to save my marriage when i should have just focused on letting go and making new memories with me and my newborn. i was always on this board while passing time whild breastfeeding...lol.

i will repeat this again....STOP CONTROLLING THE SITUATION. you don't need to facilitate anything. Your husband is a grown man and can figure out visitation on his own...what he must realize is that you are not at his call and he MUST let you know ahead of his plans to see the baby.

one other word of advice regarding your "robx" speech....THERE IS NO NEED FOR A SPEECH...ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS...just do what YOU want to do and your husband will GET that you are moving on.

keeiping you and baby in my prayers...

[Piano]

Thanks 4luv. I am really sorry your H has been such a jerk also (sorry, I hope that doesn't offend you). How is it going for you and your son at your parents place? I am also with mine for that extra love and support & they get such a kick out of a baby being around also.

Re visitation. Same rules apply here. I am not afraid. He won't pressure me. Knows he can't.

Child support. We are reaching our own agreement on this.

I will stop controlling things. I am ready for that. Matter of re-programming myself.

In the next day or so I expect to hear from WH about visiting the baby. Normally I ask one of my parents to facilitate, but I'm tiring of that. I would hope to be strong enough to facilitate it myself but am afraid of being fragile in the face of him just having arrived from trip where he has been canoodling with OW (they could have broken up for all I know, but I doubt it & I don't want to know/care either way).

Can I handle it? Can I handle it? This is what I keep asking myself. ...

'Brave' would be I facilitate the visitation.

'Easy breezy' would be I try to find solution with a third party. ( I would get HIM to find a solution but as the Mother I feel I need to call the shots)!

[gatsby11]

Wow, P. Really heavy stuff. He didn't ask about the baby at all during the two weeks. I think he doesn't realize how much he's missing out. When he sees her next, I expect him to say "wow, she grew so much" and get a glimmer of the fact that he missed out.

Yeah, that's true about controlling things and the baby updates.

So one more visit to wrap things up, huh? I'm interested to hear what happens. And then you have to stand his hanging around for a while before he returns to Europe? With his mom and brother being at your place you may need to set up some boundaries.

I'm sorry that it's all happening.

[newmama]

OK I am changing my mind on the advice about the pics now. He hasn't even flippin asked about your D in 2 weeks??? grrrrr!

Piano, I am not rewriting history or lying. The ONLY thing that was going to make me want to D my stbxh in a hurry and never look back was if he was NOT interested in being S' father, if he neglected S, if he was a deadbeat dad. That was my dealbreaker.
I don't know about you and I see that because your H had a deadbeat dad, it might be different.... but the fact that your WH didn't ask about his daughter at all in 2 weeks is DISGUSTING!

Sorry if that sounds too harsh. And this is super hard, Piano. It just is.

Now about facilitating the visitation, I am confused! What is there to facilitate? Do you mean set it up?

[newmama]

Piano, sorry that I got so mad at your H! I understand that you still love him and that people do crazy things when they are having an A. You could always ask him why he didn't ask about D. Maybe he has a good explanation?

Again, I didn't mean to be so harsh. I was being honest when I said maybe your H has different circumstances (psychologically) because his dad was absent.