Does DB'ing work if OW is playing the victim?!?!

[xin]

Here's my story again, hopefully i can get some advice or feedback.

3 months after I found out about H's EA, I've agreed to move out for 3 months so that H can find out if he still loves me. As most of you would have guessed, it only brought him closer to the OW.

While away, I contacted the OW and spoke to her politely about her relationship with my H. She insisted that they are only friends and she wants to help us in reconciling. This is after my H said they have kissed. But i decided to give her the benefit of a doubt and said if her intention is indeed innocent, and if she wants to help us, then it would be best her to stop contacting my H. I also asked her not to tell my H about our conversation. She agreed.

So i decided to move back with my H, about a week ago, hoping that there is still hope for us. But H told me that OW told him about my phone call. I flatly denied it and suggested that OW might be lying to try and destroy our M. H then got quite upset and said OW wants very much for our M to work and she is miserable as she is torn between her love for him and wanting to give it up for our M!!! It's obvious to me that the OW's action and talk is inconsistent as she has bought presents for my H and accepted a piece of expensive jewellery from him. But my H is blind to all that and appear to think of her as a "martyr" and i'm afraid she will win his heart because of this act!

I've tried not to pursue H and going out with friends and appear cheeful. But I've found that my husband response has been negative, e.g 3 months ago, he asked me for a separation after i came back from a night out with a girlfriend and a day after I arrived back, appearing cheerful and telling him my focus is to get a job, H asked why i had brought so much clothes back and how long i'm planning to stay?

So i decided to stop hiding my hurt and grief but stop short of begging and pleading. When he tried to bring up the subject of the duration of my stay last night, I started talking about how depressed I feel about not having a job and the difficulties i've had trying to secure a job, and that i'm feeling really alone now that he wants to leave me. And I didn't fight back my tears as i've been doing. This seemed to stop him from talking about my stay.

This morning i've also questioned him about the OW's professed love for him since she is till with her H. Hope i'm not putting ideas in his/her head now? I said to H i'd cut off my arm if that would bring him back to me. H was speechless after i said that.

Does anyone has any advice if I should continue down this path? If the OW is playing pathetic and winning his heart, shouldn't I do the same?! After all I have more to cry about that her!

Don't get me wrong, I'm also looking after myself in the meantime, like finding out about my rights in the event of a D and doing all I can do get a job. But like most of us here, I'd rather have my H back.

[sandi2]

It would probably help if you stuck to one thread a while longer before starting so many.

What are the ages of you & H?

The OW is not your friend. She is the enemy and she doesn't want your M to work out.

H then got quite upset and said OW wants very much for our M to work and she is miserable as she is torn between her love for him and wanting to give it up for our M!!!

This is insane. She is having an A with your H.

The more you pursue him, the harder he will resist you.

So i decided to stop hiding my hurt and grief but stop short of begging and pleading. When he tried to bring up the subject of the duration of my stay last night, I started talking about how depressed I feel about not having a job and the difficulties i've had trying to secure a job, and that i'm feeling really alone now that he wants to leave me. And I didn't fight back my tears as i've been doing. This seemed to stop him from talking about my stay.

This is not attractive to a man! Men are attracted to women who are self-confident, spunky, show self-respect, and who don't pursue.

I said to H i'd cut off my arm if that would bring him back to me. H was speechless after i said that.

This is not the way to get through to him! It is desparate, needy, whiny, clingy......all that mess is disgusting to him. He didn't say anything b/c he was probably sick. Please stop this type of tactics.

Have you read the DR book yet? There are several chapters from Michele's books here on the different forums.

BTW, the reason your H keeps wanting to know how long it will be until you leave the house is b/c that was his & OW's love nest while you were gone. Now you're back and it interfers with their routine.

How badly do you want to stay M to a man that would treat you this badly? It's important to know if you can handle it b/c if you stick it out....it will be extremly hard work.

[xin]

Sandi2,

Thanks for your reply.

I started new post as new questions come into my head and i haven't received that many replies on my previous post.

I am 39 and my H is 41.

I am a self confident and attractive woman. I am not hanging on to my M because i will be lonely without my H or worry about my future. God will look after and provide for me. I know i will be fine without my H. But I am committed to my M and I took my vow seriously. And I don't want to leave my H when he appears to be emotionally unwell. This is the reason i'm here, trying to save my M.

[MrBond]

Have you read DR?

[xin]

No i haven't read DR or DB, but i've purchased other books that teach similar techniques, like not pursuing and looking after ourselves. I'm also reading a lot of posts here, which gives a lot of clues as to what these books are about.

[xin]

my reason for changing tact was tack is that I found that DB'ing techniques were not working. And i did not beg or plead. I just feel that hiding my grief made my H feel better about leaving me. Why shouldn't he deal with the guilt?

[newmama]

I don't think you get how to DB. It is worth the money to buy the book, Divorce Remedy. There are way more strategies than the ones you see commonly referred to here. And most people aren't patient or consistent enough. That is very hard to do. Patient to stick with one strategy and monitor results, patient to know that one strategy may not be enough, and that it takes months and not days or weeks to save your marriage. Consistency in applying the strategy and not losing your emotional cool. Oh and, willingness to try something different if your strategy isn't working. (that was hard for me, lol!)

However, affairs are very complicated. I don't mean to discourage you, but be aware that once they want the OP, it is a very very difficult road to trying to end the affair, get your H back on board with the marriage, and get the OP out of your life.

A lot of people just give up after awhile and say it's not worth it. But, if you want to try....

You could start with exposing the A to OW's H. Except you will need some hardcore evidence. And do not, I repeat, DO NOT tell your H about the evidence or that you are going to tell OW's H.

The other thing is that if your H isn't treating you well and giving you what you need, but he is staying with you due to guilt, then he could very well decide to just stay with you and still cheat with the OW. He could also be treating you well but still be with OW.

[xin]

Hi NMM,

Thanks for your reply. I just read your current post. How long have you been DB'ing and are you still DB'ing? Is your H involved with OW?

[newmama]

Xin,

my story is convoluted. Here is a synopsis:
A started Fall 08.
I find out Jan 09, tell him to end it or leave.

March -09 I find out he never ended it so I tell him to end it or leave. He leaves. I want a D at first and then change my mind, hoping after the baby is born he will "wake up."

He tells me he wants a D in June, August and OCtober.

I discover DBing in October and start.

I don't hear anything about D until March 2010. He decides he wants to D but says he doesn't want to lose me.

In April 2010 he tells me he wants to D. Then in June, he served me papers and tells me he is uncertain but thinks it's the right thing to do.

I have DBed my ass off and the result was stalling the D, giving stbxh doubts about D-ing me.

But I also have learned sooo much and have GALed like crazy. So I am in better shape to start life as a divorcee than I would have been if I had never discovered DBing.

[Vulcanized]

So I am in better shape to start life as a divorcee than I would have been if I had never discovered DBing.

Amen!!!

That's the crux of it, Xin. DB'ing is entirely about YOU. How to help yourself out of this incredibly $hitty place. Maybe you R w/H, maybe not. That is secondary.