Well, I am going to try and not be longwinded here but this seems to be the most supportive forum I have found on the internet and I could really use some insight and thoughts.
Husband and I will be married 10 years this October, if we make it that far. We have currently been separated for almost 2 and a half long painful months. We have 3 beautiful daughters. We have had problems before but nothing I thought we couldn't deal with. I have been unhappy with the amount of time he spends with the kids and I and often felt that he chose his hobbies over us. I also felt that he didn't do his share of work around the house. I work a full time job and go to school online while taking care of everything to do with our household. He always felt that I wasn't good at managing our money, and I admit at times that I have done a pretty poor job of it. This last year has been particularly difficult for us for some reason. He has actually moved out of the house two previous times this past year, but never for more than a week. I think part of the problem is that he would come home and we would never actually talk about the problems or what to do to keep this from happening again. He is not a great talker and I know that so I would try not to push him.
So, here we are again. This time it was precipitated by the fact that I found out he had been texting another woman. We live in a small town so I of course knew her and had actually always liked her. I was livid of course, and we had a big fight one night right after Easter but he said he had put a stop to it because of me and he knew it was wrong. I said it would take some time but I was sure we would be ok. For the next couple of days, though I was not in a great mood and felt pretty insecure about everything. By the end of the week, it all exploded and he moved out to his Dad's. The next month was filled with nothing but fighting on our part. Horrible things were said on both parts. He was insisting that this marriage was over and the sooner papers were filed the better it would be. He didn't have the money for it though, as by the time he pays me child support and his bills he has very little left. He was also still in contact with the other woman and spending time with her. He told me he considered himself a single man, while I insisted we were of course still married. Gradually the fighting started to get somewhat less and we did start to get along...talking on the phone and texting. I tried very hard to not bring up the marriage, its problems, and what we were going to do very often, because it would just lead to very bad discussions and he would get angry and then a fight would follow.
Several weeks ago, he texted me from work that he wanted to come and talk to me. That he felt sick over everything. He wanted to tell me the truth and not have me hear it from anyone else. He didn't know if I could ever forgive him and he felt stupid for letting things go as far as they had. I have been praying daily for some kind of positive change and it finally appeared to be happening. We talked and he admitted that he had slept with the other woman one time a couple of weeks ago and he felt terrible. He didn't know why he did it other than he was drunk and it meant nothing to him. He was done with her. I already assumed that he had been with her so this was not news to me but I was of course hurt. I told him that in time I could forgive him and he said thank you. I asked him what he wanted from me other than that, and he said he was unsure at this point. I told him that as much as my heart wanted him to come home to our family, it just wasn't a good plan right now and he agreed. We agreed to take it slow and see what happens. He came back and visited several more times that week spending time with the kids and I and seemed very happy and content. We were all at a family function over the following weekend and something seemed to change. I'm not sure what. All of his family, except his one sister, was happy to see us all together and relieved to see that we were trying to work things out. Suddenly, the next day he seemed to pull back away and do a complete turn around. I, of course, freaked out, which in turn made things worse. He said he wasn't ready to come home and didn't know when or if that would happen. I asked him if he wanted a divorce and he said he didn't have the money. I asked if he had the money right now would he go ahead and file and he said he didn't know. When I push him, though, he changes his tune and says yes he would. I don't know which is the truth. I had a day not too long ago where I was just sad, depressed and tired of everything. I told him I would go ahead and file for the dissolution since I had the money and he said "why would you do that" to me. I told him it should seem obvious to him, why since it didn't appear he wants to be here. He said that in the last month the only time the word divorce has been brought up has been by me and not him. When I ask if he is open minded to us getting back together he either says he is always open minded or doesn't know what the future holds.
I have for the most part stopped talking about a divorce or whether we will or won't get back together. We are getting along well as friends and talk to each other about the kids and how our days went. We do sleep together on occasion, although I don't know if this is a good idea or not. I know most would say not smart on my part, and probably it is not. I just feel like it is a way for us to be connected somehow. Stupid and foolish I know. Occasionally we won't really talk for a day or two as he seems to get real quiet. The other day I was not going to text or talk to him at all and he texted me. When I did not get back to him right away, he said what aren't you talking to me anymore. Ugh!! I just don't know what he wants and I am not sure that he even knows. He comes over to the house a couple of times a week and visits with us and by outward appearances it appears normal. He of course leaves and goes back out to his Dad's. I love having him here and us getting along. I want my marriage to be reconciled more than anything and I just don't know what to do anymore or how to act or react to him. I try to not ever at this point bring up any topics about the relationship, but it is difficult sometimes. When I do he asks why I do it and why can't I just leave things alone. I want to wait and see what happens with all of this but I sometimes think I am waiting to see if we can work things out or not and he is waiting til he has money to file papers. I don't know. I may be way off, who knows. He said right now his feelings on coming home and the marriage haven't changed but at the same time he seems happy to come here and have us talk and be friends. He seems in no hurry at all for a divorce. He has not moved hardly anything else out since the first weekend he left back in April. I do know he is not seeing the other woman anymore so that is a comfort, but I am scared of the future for us here.
I don't know how to work things out if we don't ever talk about anything. It's all so confusing and some days it just seems overwhelming. Some days I am relatively calm about it all and other days, I just sit and cry. Does he seriously want to end this marriage or is he trying in his own way to figure things out and give us time? Help! Oh, I just got my copy of The Divorce Remedy in the mail. Is it really going to help when we aren't even living together anymore? I am going to start reading tonight after the kids go to bed but just don't know where to start or what to do. So so sorry for the length of this post.
I suspect what is happening, is that each time he comes back to you and the family, because there is no "no-contact" or "transparency" plans in place with you, he is re-contacting the OW and then he pulls away from you and gets all nasty again.
It's physiological. It's highly addictive. It even SHOWS UP ON CAT SCANS, believe it or not.
You're going to have to do what you can to get him BACK to the "I want to come back, what will it take?" stage with you, and at THAT time you can insist up on some firm no-contact and transparency boundaries. Until then, I'd suggest pulling WAAAAYYYYY back and detach and become mysterious and dim-to-dark with him.
Several weeks ago, he texted me from work that he wanted to come and talk to me. That he felt sick over everything. He wanted to tell me the truth and not have me hear it from anyone else. He didn't know if I could ever forgive him and he felt stupid for letting things go as far as they had. I have been praying daily for some kind of positive change and it finally appeared to be happening. We talked and he admitted that he had slept with the other woman one time a couple of weeks ago and he felt terrible. He didn't know why he did it other than he was drunk and it meant nothing to him. He was done with her. I already assumed that he had been with her so this was not news to me but I was of course hurt. I told him that in time I could forgive him and he said thank you. I asked him what he wanted from me other than that, and he said he was unsure at this point.
(((RRRRNNNNNGGGG!!!))))) "NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!"
You had this backwards. This is where you blew it. You only get so many remorseful/contrite/"what-will-it-take?" moments with a cheating spouse. At these moments, your FIRST response (for anywhere from one day to several weeks) needs to be "I'm no so sure what I want anymore," and THEN your response needs to be a short list of absolutely DEALBREAKERS -- Boundaries of Personal Integrity -- that YOU need from HIM in order to let him back into your marriage and your home!!
Thanks for the replies so far. I am glad I made the post more readable. I love my husband with all my heart and I do believe deep down he still loves me. I am trying to make positive changes in my life for myself and be a good mother to our daughters all the while hurting and confused on a daily basis. It is just hard to know sometimes whether to go with this friendly thing we have going on and he is over at my house sometimes and everything is good or just pull back and have little contact, only dealing with the kids. These times the last couple of weeks when we have been getting along so well almost give me hope but then I don't know. I wish I thought I could be strong enough to pull away completely and go dark with him. I don't believe he is in contact with the OW anymore, since he is either at work, talking or texting me, or with his Dad. I guess he could be texting her, and I am being naive. When he left back in April I assumed he would be back in a week or so. Boy was I wrong.
From my experience he is still in contact with her. I went through the exact same thing with my husband, some strides forward and then, out of nowhere, huge steps backward. And when I found out the whole story I could pretty much pinpoint when they'd had contact and then broken it off again based on the events in our R. Of course he maintained, when we still talked about it, that she had nothing to do with things between us.
What has worked for me is to let him make contact and I end it first, and I can tell he'd like to talk or stay longer. I'm certainly not a success story at this point, but cutting him off did not seem to be the answer. So now I make sure I've left enough room for him to contact me but I never, ever pursue. Our sitches seem similar, but luckily you've found this website a lot earlier than I did and while your H still sounds somewhat interested in making things work.
M: 35 H: 34 S: 8 Married: 12 years Together: 16 years Bomb: 11/2/09 Sep: 1/1/10 EA confirmed: 11/2/09 PA confirmed: 3/28/10
I guess it is still possible that he is contact with her. I am not sure and I don't ask at this point. He seems to like talking with me and spending time at the house with me and the girls, but who knows maybe it is just the girls. For the most part, right now, unless I bring up something about the R or anything at all to do with the situation, he is nothing but nice and we get along great. I really have to bite my tongue anymore to not ask anything and not push him to decide what he wants. Patience is not something I am good at, especially when it so nice when he is here, and I am so sad when he leaves. I think I need to work a little harder at limiting the contact and always letting him be the one to initiate contact. I have alot to learn and hope that the mistakes that I have made up to this point haven't ruined any chance we have.
He's cake-eating, in my opinion. Doing "the nice thing" doesn't work, esp. with men. We have to fear that we're LOSING you in order to respond, sadly.
He's being nice to reward your good behavior (no questioning of him, no boundaries, no demands). Start standing up for yourself, and see if he's still so nice!!
At this point, when I question him or make demands it just seems to push him away. I did tell him when he came to me to apologize for the OW that the one thing I could not tolerate would be for him to still be seeing her and talking to her or to anyone else for that matter. Other than that, I don't no what other boundaries to give him at this point. I realize that he's cake-eating but the alternative that we had before this during the first month and a half we were separated was fighting, arguing, and at best silence.
I don't know honestly how to make him think he is LOSING me at this point. I understand what you are saying in concept but am not sure how to do that. When I say that I will go ahead and shell out the money to file the papers he responds with "Why?". I asked him not that long ago what he would do if I put papers in front of him to sign and his response was "I would sign them because if you(meaning me) are putting them in front of me, it means that a divorce is what you(me) want." UGH! I do get it that he might take some action if he thought he was actually going to lose me and this family, but don't know what to do other than call his bluff with filing to end it. Desperately afraid that will backfire right in my face.
Never bluff with your marriage. Only file if divorce is something you're actually willing to do.
To me, that's the beauty of boundaries, or -- as I like to call them -- "My Boundaries of Personal Integrity." Only YOU know what they are, but they should be a very short list; your "dealbreakers," as it were . . . those things that you, as a person with your values, morals and ethics, simply CANNOT ABIDE.
And this is how it works, in practical application: If you decide that "I will not live in an open marriage," and you state that as a boundary to a cheating spouse, and if that drives them away from you, and toward the other person? Well, then that's THEIR CHOICE, and them cheating -- and staying with me -- wasn't an option for me anyway, based on my own authenticity and values, so what have I lost?
All I've lost in that instance is something that I could not have abided anyway.
"You must choose between her or me" is an ULTIMATUM. It's about THEM.
Boundaries should be about YOU -- "I will not live in an open marriage." Or maybe for you it's "I"m not willing to try this marriage with you again with some good marriage counselling." It's then up to the other person to decide what to DO with that information you've now shared with them, so seriously.
That is why I have not actually went about filing for divorce, as it is not something I am willing or want to do. I have dropped all talk of divorce for a little while now, and plan on not mentioning it again.
Right now, I guess for me the boundaries would be obviously that all contact with the OW would be cut off. That is something I absolutely cannot deal with. I am sure there are other boundaries and I will definitely have to think on that. Right now, I just hope we can back to the point where it seemed possible for us.
