Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

Called We the People yesterday, too. Asked them about contested divorces. They said for simple changes like the grounds or something small like that they can redo the papers, but for complex changes they recommend a lawyer to their client. She was trying to convince me that it would be easier to go along with his filing and not contest it. Um, I don't think so. I refuse to take the blame for the marriage ending when it's H who's doing this.

[Mystik]

Just saw on FB that the SIL who wanted to see me then changed her mind un-friended me. Ouch, that stings.

[newmama]

Mystik, I do think your H is telling a twisted version of what happened to his family. I'm not sure what you can do about it. Or IF you SHOULD do anything about it. But when do you go back to your IC? Maybe she could give some input?

I understand your point about contesting his filing, I do!
In my state, I have no choice but to agree with "irreconcilable differences" because that is the only grounds for divorce.

But what kind of contesting to you want to do? I mean Lolawar just wants it to be stated that her H committed adultery. I wonder if you could write that in somewhere?

Something else to consider...it is easier on the kids when the parents do not have a nasty legal battle.

[Mystik]

NM, I don't want a long nasty battle. I just want H to take accountability for the divorce instead of trying to push it off onto me. That even came up in my dream last night that I posted earlier. Couldn't you refuse to sign your papers if divorce really isn't what you want? I am pretty sure that your WH will be able to file a motion of some sort to get the divorce finalized even without your signature, but to me signing means you agree. I go back to my therapist next week.

[Mystik]

So my emotions came back today, and I was getting teary eyed at work. Checked FB from my phone and saw I had a new message. Turns out it was from my SIL, not the one that defriended me but another one, and said:

Hi Mystik,
Until things get a little better between you and H I am going to step way out of the picture. I'm sorry but I hope you understand. If I may give one last piece of advice- try really hard to not get DS involved, and let him talk to a counselor or therapist. There is a lot of changes going on for that little boy's life and an unbiased trained person may be helpful for DS to work this out.
Take care of yourself Mystik.
SIL

So now I really am wondering what he's telling them and how much of a bad guy he's making me out to be. I also wonder if OW is worming her way into his family trying to replace me there as she did in H's life. I really hate that whore.

[Mystik]

Did not talk to H during the exchange tonight. While driving home DS wanted to call H and leave him a voicemail. So I let him, only to hear DS telling H that now that Whore is having a baby he isn't H's son anymore, that Daddy only has room for one son so he wants a new daddy. So I'm there in the car going, "What are you saying?" "DS, don't say that. Daddy loves you." But I've no doubt that H will be ticked at me and accuse me of telling DS that H doesn't want him anymore or think that I told DS to say those things so that H could hear me in the background trying to redeem myself or something.

[Swiss Miss]

I stay really proactive about these sorts of things our son says. I speak or text with my STBXH right away about things S says that might sound like they came from me, and he has said a couple of doozies! Our son "extrapolates" and also reads a lot so sometimes he comes up with stuff that sounds like it came from an adult.

And I'm careful not to assume that anything crazy S tells me about STBXH, etc. is true. In fact one time I called STBXH to ask if something S said about future plans was true (it wasn't, he left out the "maybe"), and I mentioned that it sure was easy for S to make something sound official that wasn't. This seems to have worked for us but my sitch is less complicated than yours, no living with OW, let alone a pregnant one, and we're both pretty reasonable thus far.

Good luck, and I'm so sorry your son feels that way, it must have been so hard to hear.

I've followed your thread for quite a while now and you sound so much better, and stronger. My H is coming around lately (I'm pretending not to notice, have been following the "setting free" philosophy for the past couple months) and I've kept your story in mind about not getting my hopes up and being pretty firm about the conditions under which we reconcile, if we do so.

[bluestar]

I've been wanting to post this to you for awhile now. But the last couple of days seem like this is a good time. Your S is way too young to be left alone to talk to his dad. You need to know what he's saying so you can discuss with him any feelings that he's having about this gigantic mess. You've been reeling from everything but with IC you're doing so much better. You need to find your inner mama bear now!

You need to call your IC first thing in the am and get a referral for your son. He needs some help sorting this out. Your H and the whore have been pushing their new happy family in his face because they need validation. But, your S can't handle it and I'm sure dear old dad is telling him that he's wrong for any feelings he's having. Meanwhile, your H is blaming you for anything that S is saying and you have no idea because you haven't been listening.

You may need to pull way back on vistation for awhile so your S can process all the events(with the C approval of course). I think it was totally inappropriate for your H to take him to the ultrasound. Your S is obviously hurting and your H is not helping.

Email H and let him know that you are concerned about what you heard. Ask if he has said anything else like this. Let him know that you will be taking him to C asap. You will do this, NOT H. That is very important.

Mystic, you are doing so much better. You are strong enough to handle this. Be strong for your S. Mama Bear, GRRRR!

[Abbey]

Sorry Mystik, been away.

Time for you to tell H to back the hell off. And time for you to do as you've done fight back against the alien your H has become ... keep saying you don't want this divorce... and tell him as such... if he pushes... you'll just balk. If he can't understand that... tough. Right now,.. he's making you the bad guy. You're in the wrong spot. Let the whore be the pressure keg to put him under a time constraint... not you. Tell him simply, I'm not dealing with this now and the whore's impending due date is NOT your problem.

You can also tell him to stop using your son to try to pressure you. Allowing the kid to keep that ultra sound piccie was pure manipulation. He knew damn well the kid would show you.

He's clearly spinning his story with his sisters about DS. Back away from the sis's ... seriously. Don't allow him to absolve his guilt on your back. People in divorce sitches want things wrapped up in a neat package... (unless it's their own problems)... thus the "backing off" message you've got. Most people are chickens. Don't take it personally.

Hug
Abs

[newmama]

Yikes....first, Mystik, are you reading anything about how to help kids cope with divorce? Please do! Yes, he is old enough to talk to a counselor! But you should let your H know you are doing it.

second...I am worried that your H could use what your DS says against you in a custody battle. Swiss Miss does have a good suggestion of letting him know right away that you have nothing to do with what he says. It could be a segue into you telling him that you want DS to have counseling for the adjustment based on how he is acting.


Bluestar, Mystik needs to check with her lawyer about pulling back on visitation....this is tricky stuff and the current trend is to make sure mothers involve fathers and the courts are on the look out for "parental alienation"