I haven't got the book yet, should come in the mail tomorrow, but already the website has been helpful. My wife of almost 12 years dropped the bomb on me around April 1st. It really woke me up and I started to make some changes. We did about a month of counseling before she quit. This is a pretty standard WAS deal from what I've been reading. I did everything that a normal concerned husband would do, but it totally backfired, I did things like buy her gifts and say ILY, which I see now was a mistake, it only made her mad. I did some good things too though like focusing more on the kids and helping out more around the house. Also did my best to avoid arguments, failed a few times there, she made it really hard. She moved out to her moms house 2 weeks ago, we've been sharing the kids pretty evenly which has been good. When she still lived with me she sent out a lot of mixed signals. She would say she wanted to divorce or separate, but took her sweet time leaving (2.5 months). Also she did a lot of nice things for me like making dinner and doing my laundrey, etc. In fact the day she moved out she cleaned the house really nice and did all of my laundrey, when I got home from work that day all I could think is wtf is she thinking? She seems to be in la-la land. All of this started when she recently went back to work, she had one short term EA until the guy went to jail (total loser), but now she's having another possible EA with a different co-worker, she doesn't know that I know about this one. I feel horrible all the time and just want things to "get fixed" but I'm trying to be patient now and follow all the advice on this website. I only wish I had found this information sooner, maybe I could have stopped her from moving out.
Your W will send you mixed signals moving forward. It is up to you to not mind read or over analyze her moves- this is very hard. Try focusing on yourself right and know that this may take months to get through. Once you get in the right frame of mind you will be able to handle the situation much better.
The advice here will most likely be counter productiove to your thinking but please listen, we have been here for awhile.
Quote:
All of this started when she recently went back to work, she had one short term EA until the guy went to jail (total loser), but now she's having another possible EA with a different co-worker, she doesn't know that I know about this one.
This happen to me too. If your W was a stay at home mom she felt unappreciated. Now being in the work force again and OM paying her attention, well it makes her feel good. I know first hand.
Try to find out if her R with OM has turned to a PA. You will need to know what you're up against.
Tell us more about: your kids- ages, interaction with W.
Use the board here to post and update your sitch.
Don't argue with her- smile and agree. eg.. W- you never __________. You- I agree, I can't believe I acted that way.
ttys gr8
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thanks for the advice "gr8 day 2B alive". We have 2 kids ages 4 and 7. So far they have been coping fairly well, although twice now the 7 year old has told me she didn't want to go to with my wife because she's mean to her. I'm not the only one she takes her frustration out on, the kids get it too, but not as bad as me. Regarding my wifes current EA, it's not physical, I highly doubt anything will ever come of it, the guy is about 8 years younger than her, a college student (he'll be leaving their employer soon to return to school), I'm pretty positive he doesn't see anything in her other than friendship, but I think she likes the idea of the relationship being more than it is. I've caught several facebook private messages, no romantic feelings have been exchanged so far, it just seems inapropriate to me that she occasionaly sends messages to a single guy. My wife is also in love with the "Twilight series" and has unrealic expectations of what a relationship should be like. I think your comment about her being a stay at home mom for so many years and then going back to work and feeling apreciated is right on. A few other issues is that she has blamed me 100% for this. I have taken responsibility for myself multiple times, she hasn't said sorry to me once. I feel like my wife is going through life with blinders on. She has a crappy job making close to nothing after taxes and benefits, yet she keeps making comments about making big bucks. Most of the people she works with are either young college students or complete losers that couldn't get a job doing anything else. Before she moved out I once asked her what she thought a typical day would be like after divorce and she said, "pretty much the same as now." I was like, "wtf, you're insane", in my head, not out loud. In any case the counseling we did didn't help much, my sister has a friend who's husband walked out a few years back and she used the methods in the book and "won him back" so my sister ordered the book for me so at this point I have a little bit of hope and I'm looking forward to getting it in the mail tomorrow. I can look back over the last few months and see mistakes that I made, not that I did anything horrible, I did nice things for her, tried to show her how much I care about her, but it only pushed her further away. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I'm very lonely most days, I want my friend back. I think she may be dealing with depression too, both her parents are on meds for depression. It's like she's going through life looking through a lens that only sees the negative in everything; past, present, and future.
I only wish I had found this information sooner.....
I think alot of us do. Amazing we do not see any of this until it is, or is almost, too late.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
My wife is being so selfish. Sure we've had our share of disagreements in the past, but there has been no infidelity, no abuse, no addictions. I've always supported her and been a good Dad. I think she's mentally sick.
The WAW is not in the right state of mind, that is why you need to apply the techniques. You need to "act as if" you are totally fine with the situation. once she feels she's losing you then things will change. this is a waitimg game, words mean nothing. She will notice your actions.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
You can't fix her. You can't control what she does.
She is surrounded by fresh, smart, young college students and it makes her feel good. She is getting her ego fed at work. She feels important there. Some of the guys probably flirt and she's discovered it's fun and she like that. She has moved from reality into a fantasy world. It will make no sense at all to you so don't try to figure her out.
She is not the same girl you M and you will not be able to deal with her in the same way. She's completely different now.
Since she is living with her mother, are you assisting in any finacial help?
Does your W & MIL live together well? It is usually difficult for two women to share a house.
BTW, it is not uncommon at all that your W washed all your clothes, cleaned the house, etc. before leaving. That is just the way some women are......that's "who" they are, so to speak. It's a woman thing, okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My wife is being so selfish. Sure we've had our share of disagreements in the past, but there has been no infidelity, no abuse, no addictions. I've always supported her and been a good Dad. I think she's mentally sick.
I'm confused. In your posts above, you mention at least two EAs, inappropriate text messaging, etc. If you think an emotional affair is "just" an emotional affair, then I suggest you know nothing about how women are wired. An ongoing emotional attachment for a woman is far harder to bust than a one-night stand, or even a series of them with no emotional attachment.
Puppy, I was refering to no affairs on my part. I agree completely with what you said about emotional affairs.
Yesterday I found out the my wife is now running in the morning with a single guy. I don't know what she is thinking. How can she think that is ok to do? I would never ever think about going running with a single woman, especially right now. Then last night she emailed me that she's been doing the divorce paperwork online and plans to file next week. I've lost hope. She's not in her right mind and I feel like there's nothing I can do to change that.
She's not in her right mind and I feel like there's nothing I can do to change that.
Much of what you say is very true. You will not know this woman and it will drive you nuts if you try to figure her out. That is a waste of time & energy. You won't be able to talk her out of doing what she wants....and you won't be able to talk her into staying M to you.
Read Michele's article on the home page about WAW Syndrome. If you haven't read the Divorce Remedy book, get it.
Your W is not attracted to you and until she feels that sexual attraction again, she's not interested. So, what can you do to become a more attractive man? What did she like about you when she met you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
