On snooping “makes you nuts” – I say just the opposite! :
You know, it's funny, but every time I get into one of our frequent "Snooping is bad!" debates around here (I am very pro-intel, as you all know), one of the arguments that the anti-snooping crowd always give is, basically, "It'll make you nuts!"
I contend just the opposite. Us humans are wired to fear -- to "go nuts" -- over the UNKNOWN, not the KNOWN.
Ronald Reagan said, of the Soviets, "Trust -- but verify." it is in that verification that we can either find STRENGTH AND PEACE OF MIND (if nothing is going on), or KNOWLEDGE AND DISCERNMENT about the right course of action (if something is).
For the life of me, I can't see anything wrong with that.
Pro’s and Con’s of “Snooping”:
1. to verify initially whether or not there is infidelity involved in your sitch, so that you can attack it appropriately.
2. to establish evidence/grounds for a possible divorce action if yours is a "fault" state.
3. to gather evidence for a possible custody battle, and to help you make a determination as to whether or not you SHOULD go for custody (is the cheating spouse engaging in risky behavior that would make them a poor parent in their current state).
4. to determine what it is that OM/OW is providing your spouse, so that you may begin to better provide it. To determine what OM/OW is doing that ticks your spouse off, so that you can avoid those behaviors.
5. as an early warning system for any possible financial or legal threats.
6. to monitor what outside pressures are having an affect on your spouse (her parents, her friends, your adult children, etc.).
7. to determine if the affair has gotten physical (medical risk).
8. to verify no-contact once no-contact and transparency have been agreed to as part of reconciliation.
9. to determine the extent to which you believe OM/OW may be a risk to your spouse and/or your family (ex.: abuse, unstable behavior, etc.).
10. to expose deceitful tactics of the cheating spouse which, if unverified, may lead you to make false assumptions and tactical errors (ex.: cheating spouse says they want to go to MC to try to work on reconciling the marriage, but they confide to a BF that they are only doing it to buy time while they squirrel away marital assets to be used on a divorce).
Those are some "pro's" just off the top of my head.
On the "con" side, all I can come up with is:
1. If you don't control your emotions, you may not be able to handle it.
I'm sorry, this whole "snooping is BAD!" thing, to me, is just one of those mantras that gets mindlessly repeated, until it becomes part of the official catechism, without stopping to consider the real merits of it.
Thanks, Puppy. I know a lot of us really respect your opinion. I am also in the snooping is not necessarily bad camp. As long as you don't find yourself obsessing or stalking, the intel is quite valuable.
"What's all this talk about Snoopy being bad? Other comic strip dogs are just as bad. Marmaduke is just as bad. And that stupid cat Garfield is the baddest...."
Emily it's snooping not Snoopy.
"Oh, nevermind."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
back on topic - snooping is a necessary evil if you suspect somthing is afoot - i would probably still would not have found out and busted the A my W was having if not for snooping her cell phone....
so these are fine IMO
1. to verify initially whether or not there is infidelity involved in your sitch, so that you can attack it appropriately
8. to verify no-contact once no-contact and transparency have been agreed to as part of reconciliation.
Gman
M-37 W-36 S-11, S-9, D-4 PA exposed 3/13/10 10/19/10 moving on... most up to date sit
10. to expose deceitful tactics of the cheating spouse which, if unverified, may lead you to make false assumptions and tactical errors (ex.: cheating spouse says they want to go to MC to try to work on reconciling the marriage, but they confide to a BF that they are only doing it to buy time while they squirrel away marital assets to be used on a divorce).
I could easily come up with a DOZEN examples of how I may have erred -- from minor mistakes to what may have been sheer DISASTER -- if I didn't have good intel backing me up.
I was always all about privacy - until, hurt and mystified by my husband's suddenly strange behavior, I sat down at my computer one day and saw a headline on MSN.com that said: "10 Signs He May Be Cheating." WH fit 8 of the 10.
That article led me to the phone records...which led to the bomb...which led to a string of lies that I disproved by snooping EVERYWHERE. WH told me he didn't like having his privacy invaded. I told him I didn't like having my marriage invaded and to get rid of OW. He didn't. So I haven't stopped.
Someone told me once that "'Privacy' is closing the door when you go to the bathroom. 'Secrets' are keeping things from your spouse, and they have no place in a marriage."
I agree Puppy. I also think it is about protecting oneself.
Me - Faithful wife H - WAH Bomb: Fall/2009 - PA/EA with OW for 1 year Both in our early 40's M - 16 years w/ no kids T - 21 years Separated since July of 2008 - H living with his mother
"'Privacy' is closing the door when you go to the bathroom.
Greek FIL saying, "Going to go where even Caesar must go alone."
He's got one for every possible situation.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
