I believe my husband of 6 years is currently in the midst of of a MLC. He had an affair 4 years ago, while i was pregnant with our son, till sometime after our son was born. I forgave him, but of course haven't forgotten. Now this time, i have a feeling that there is or was something going on with a coworker. I do Love him, but when do you know it is worth the fight of trying to save the relationship? I have always felt we were meant to be, because of the feelings I felt when we were close, it has always felt so right, like that is how it is suposed to be with your soul mate. Unfortunately he says that he has the same feelings, he has never felt that way with anyone else before.... But he's not sure if he wants to stay or go. He needs time to clear his head and think. Could anyone advise me, please? TIA
My husband & I have been together for 15 years, married 6 this past may. He was 17 I was 19 when we got together. I broke up with my boyfriend at that time to be with my now husband. There was just something about him, it was from the start I had this feeling about him! When we first kissed, it was incredible! A feeling unlike any feeling I had ever had before!! He has said that he felt it too! He had always said that he didn't want to get married, I never forced the issue.
Fast forward to 6 years later, he proposes?? We got married in May of 04', got a house March of 05' I got pregnant dec of 05, during this time things were good. Although he now says he feels as though I smothered him in those early years, I always wanted to be with him! He complained that sex wasnt frequent enough. We both had different sex drives, although when we had sex, that too was incredible! Just wasn't frequent enough!
Then his mother was diagnosed with cancer, he was diagnosed with rheumitoid arthritis at the age 28, March of 06 he was promoted to management, April of 06 is when the affair started I had a feeling, confronted him, he said it was my hormones making me crazy... our son was born in Sept, his mother passed away in Oct, shorly before she passed, he confessed about the affair. Now the "girl" was a 19 year old from work, who is no way as attractive as me, at least 50-75 lbs heavier than I was when I was pregnant!!!! I was depressed, by the time of my MIL funeral I had lost all of my baby weight + 10-15 lbs, bringing me down to 105lbs,(I'm 5'4"). It wasn't until Jan 07' when he finally ended the affair, and decided that he wanted to work things out. we reconciled, things went well. I transfer to another branch for my job, unhappy & miserable I come home miserable, due to my boss. Fast forward to this past Feb., he's afraid he's gonna lose his job, he's traveling 6 hrs round trip for his job, he's miserable, I'm miserable. We both get depressed. He tells me he regrets getting married, he never wanted to, but it was expected of him... He isn't happy, he doesn't know if he wants to stay with me. He said that I neglected him in the past, due to my low sex drive. When we reconciled, it was more frequent, but still not enough for him, I was always tired. I work full time and need to take care of the house, our son...
He said he needs his space, which I have been giving, I try to DB, think I'm doing good, then I slip up. The GAL is difficult, I have no friends. My husband and son have been my life!
He told me a couple of months ago that he wants to stay with me but have someone on the side "just for sex" he still has love for me but isn't "in love with me" he doesn't even know if he could even love me like he once did??
Just last night we were talking, I told him that I just have this feeling as though we were meant to be together. The connection, the attraction, the feeling is still there, we both feel it, but we have problems, I told him we are disfunctional. If we went for counseling, even if it was individual & not marriage we could fix us. Maybe be better than we ever were? He says right now he doesn't want to talk about "us", he needs time to clear his mind and think. What should I do?? Any advice is appreciated! TIA
Sorry I DO know what you mean...just not a big fan of the word. Its a pretty word like...unicorn...fairy...
Not really sure a soul mate would have an affair though...and part of the reason I am not a fan of the word. Although if you want to go with the HIGHER level meaning of the word...and that our flesh is weak and such then soul mate works just fine.
please check out the resources that Cat pointed out, determine for yourself if your husband fits into an MLC...
IGNORE the timeline you might come across, and while the STAGES are nice they will NOT HELP you if you think they flow in an ordered 1,2,3,4,5,6 way. They do not...and people can obsess over the stages as though they might give them some insight as to how long the MLC might last.
IF you husband is in MLC then you need to figure out how to outlast it. Is your marriage worth it? To you and your son? Are you a fighter? Are you stubborn? Did your vows mean anything to you, including , in sickness and in health?
If he is your soulmate then I expect you to do your best.
DBing is counerinuitive to everything you think will wokr...like begging and pleading and demanding...that shite doesn't fly. It is a great way to push him away.
Oh yeah...DO NOT ATTACK the OW...either verbally or (stupidly) physically...you will lose,he will defend HER you will draw them closer together.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Thanks for the posts. The funny thing is, at first I thought he was a WAS, then I started reading about MLC, & he has those symptoms. I went to my Dr because of my depression, I told him the situation.. The funny thing is the first thing my dr asked me after I told him, was if my husband's hair was thinning, then his age. Yes his hair is thinning. The Dr even said that it was most likely a MLC! My dr then diagnosed me with Adjustment Disorder & put me on a anti-depressant and suggested I go for counseling. Which I plan on doing, for ME!
I had no intention of contacting the OW, my husband said that is "over" although "nothing happened". This past sunday SHE texted me and said that they had been "over for awhile" & she "thought it was strange to stay with someone for 4yrs and not be together" According to my husband, we haven't had a "marriage" for 4 yrs! I believe he is rewriting our history, making it look worse than it really was!
Lori, Welcome to the boards and I am sorry for the reason you are here!
I dont post much anymore, yours got my attention as soon as I started reading it! I KNOW that feeling! I said I would marry my husband 4 hrs after I met him! I JUST KNEW! He also has felt that feeling!
Anyways, the people here are GREAT! listen to what they say, and read, read and read some more! the further along you get, and it is a LONG ride, it will make more and more sense, and you will be the best you ever!
I know that may be hard to believe right now! but, IT WILL! take care of yourself and your son...
keep posting, and keep your chin up!
me 39 h 38 kids 9 and 6 h left 8/9/09 loving and devoted wife and mother still going...10 months later...
Thanks for the post Lost, I have been reading for months. I'm trying to DB, it's really difficult. How do act as if, if you don't know?? How do you GAL, if you have no friends?? i'm a friendly person, I just put my son & husband first!
It is counter intuitive but you must take the focus off your H and put it on you and your S. I know how hard this is to do when your world centered around your family.
What interests, hobbies, etc. did you leave behind when you became a wife and mom? What are the things you always wanted to try but didn't have the time? Sometimes making a list helps. Maybe you could think about joining a group with the same interests?
Lori, this is your time. Time to find out what you want. Time to work as Lost said, on being the best you.
Keep posting. We're all here to support each other.
While it's hard to take to take your focus off of him, it is really what you need to do. I know, HOW? It comes a little at a time. Even when you hang on everything he says and does pretend you aren't. For me it started with acting "as if" I had a life and then, surprise! I got one. With a little one, it can be more challenging, but get out and meet other Mom's for play dates. There are even sites for finding activities with people that have similar interests (that aren't about dating).
Alot of this is about the thoughts you think. Even then you will slip and fall and pick yourself up and do it again, if you choose to.
Is it worth it? Only you can answer that. As you can see from my registration date, I've been here awhile. Is it worth it? For me it is. Does it take more than I ever thought I had? Yes. Do I still question what am I doing? Yes.
You can decide for yourself (at any time) what you want and need to do for you. In the meantime, if you really believe he's "the one", you will need to learn to be very patient and to be quiet and listen.
As tough as it is, you will find lot's of support here.
I'm really sorry to interject here, and I feel like I'm saying this too much lately, but how do you know he's in MLC and not a WAH?
If I'm doing the math correctly, he's 32?
Not saying it's impossible, but he's had an A before, he's not within the prescribed 35-55 time frame, or even the 40-60 sometimes mentioned. Again, I'm not arguing he's not, it's not impossible, I'm just asking what your thought process is. Want to make sure you're getting the right advice... although it's all very similar.
