I have a long story ... 3 years worth. H started affair after 12 yrs marriage (Jan 2007). After I discovered it, another 6 months of agony, him not wanting to leave but not wanting to give up OW either. Meanwhile he borrowed $100K from her. Less incentive to give her up - she wanted money back. The OW and money won. Lots of phases since then of wanting to come back but H never prepared to face up to the real issues between us (poor communication, no responsibility from him, lots of anger from me). Wanted him back, but with changes - he said he didn't want to change. Said I had too many conditions. He moved in with OW.
Cut a long story short, he moved out of her place a couple of months ago (Mar 2010) - has been saying ever since that he wants to come home. Actually he is begging me. Actually I feel like he is blackmailing me. He won't ask me out, hang out with me, help me with kids, unless I let him come back. He says not living with us is too painful and that he will do everything I want if I let him come back and give him a chance. Problem is, he took all my trust and yes, my money too - only reason I saved the house is that my mum bailed me out.
I feel that I need to see some changes before I can consider living together again. He says he can't make changes without me demonstrating that I want him by letting him back home.
I make him welcome all the time, I give him dinner, I tell him everything that is going on with kids, invite him to family occasions, get kids to phone him and tell him stuff. I feel that I am doing all I can. I just cannot at this point have him come home - i am too afraid of the consequences -will he hurt me and kids again? will he be financially destructive again?
Today he told me that if I won't have him back home then that's it - the show is over. I suspect he is thinking of returning to OW, if she will have him.
I believe that he does really want to make a go of it - he is so depressed and misses kids, but I really really question whether he has the actual capacity to make the changes required. But this may be my last chance - give him a go or give it up (if he means it as he has said this so many times before).
I am exhausted and feel like after 3 years of this roundabout I am going crazy.
Advice????
Me: 39, H: 37 Married 12 yrs EA 01/07, bomb 07/07. He moved out 09/07. Lived alone for some time, moved in with OW in 2009, moved out again Mar 2010 S:8 D:11
Dayana, You are not crazy, your H is blackmailing you it's called emotional blackmail- If you do this then I will give you what you need.
You be very clear about the behavior you need to see from him consistently in order to feel safe and loved. Follow his actions not his words. Read up on "boundaries" and "emotional blackmail." If you really love your H you will make him own up to his responsibilities in all of this mess. If you don't you can't fully trust him or respect him which is no way for you to live.
Trust and respect are earned. Make him show you his commitment to his family. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes Coach, I do feel that I am being emotionally blackmailed.
Although underneath his blackmail I think is a person who is very lost and just wants to feel loved. Don't we all.
What I really can't work out is when to finally walk away from this M. How do you know when it is time to say enough?
Me: 39, H: 37 Married 12 yrs EA 01/07, bomb 07/07. He moved out 09/07. Lived alone for some time, moved in with OW in 2009, moved out again Mar 2010 S:8 D:11
D - You are the only one that can answer that. Like Coach said, set your boundaries and if he doesnt RESPECT them then you have your answer. You CANT have any kind of relationship without RESPECT. He needs to EARN it from you. Be strong and believe that you deserve that RESPECT. Without self respect you will never be happy.
You are right. When I think about taking him back on his terms then I feel sick with anxiety, and I feel like I am losing myself.
I told him yesterday that if he forces his way back in it won't feel good to me and less likely to result in success. He seemed to understand me more than usual but he said 'how long will it take'. He says he is tired of living alone, wants to be with the family and recommit. But also, the OW is still after him to come back and I suppose putting pressure on him so he is putting it on me. Well I can understand it, but it doesn't exactly feel like my idea of ideal reconciliation.
If I let him go now, he will move back in with her I suppose. Mostly I think I can handle it on my own account - the part i can't handle is that when he is with OW, he distances himself from the kids and is unreliable. I know that he is responsible for that, but I still feel like it will be my fault if this whole thing blows again and the kids yet again have to suffer for it.
Me: 39, H: 37 Married 12 yrs EA 01/07, bomb 07/07. He moved out 09/07. Lived alone for some time, moved in with OW in 2009, moved out again Mar 2010 S:8 D:11
You are just about living my life though the OW and couple of girlfriends are long gone.
We have been separated for over three years. Have 9 year old daughter He lives in shared accom now but has lived in a few different spots. I have never been to his current residence despite repeated requests. He wants to spend time with us but it seems to be at his own discretion for the most part. I too feel the major cake-eating of him having his own space while I work full time, pay all the bills and mortgage, and look after our daughter just about 24/7. He doesn't take her for overnights anymore (he used to for a little while when he had a one bedroom flat - which incidentally was also when he had a girlfriend but not the one that initiated the separation) and if I want to go out, he comes over to the house and often (well, now it's often) stays over when I get home.
Why do I still bother with him? I don't know. I sort of love him but I don't think I want to live with him again. too much to fix. Am I being lazy? Maybe.
We are supposed to be starting couples counselling again next Monday if he books the appointment. He claims to want to get back together but doesn't seem to want to move back in. I have grown to like my space (when I can get it) and am terrified of things going back to the way they were. Maybe I should just call it quits? Maybe I'm being chicken. I don't know. anyway, I'm also in Australia (in the west) and I just wanted to reach out to someone who seems to be in a very similar situation.
Cheers
** Purple
As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live. Goethe
hi Purple So nice to hear from someone in a similar situation although I am not happy to hear that someone is going through it.
Well I believe he has gone back to OW this weekend because he is giving me the silent treatment - that's usually the signal. He has been begging me to have him back for weeks, crying etc, but not wanting to do anything proactive or positive to earn back trust. I have been holding up my boundaries, but now I think he is back with her, I feel my strength dissolving and I feel like saying OK just come back on your terms. But I don't know if I can really live with him again as he is so overpowering in an emotional sense and so draining. He just sits back and lets me take responsibility for it all.
I promised myself that if he went back to her again without trying things with me properly then I would definitely call it quits as I am tired of being in this madness. But now I don't feel so sure. If I let him move in, maybe he would make more effort? Who knows.
But perhaps it is too late and he has gone again.
I wonder if yours will book counselling. My H refuses -says he doesn't believe in it. Let me know how it goes.
Me: 39, H: 37 Married 12 yrs EA 01/07, bomb 07/07. He moved out 09/07. Lived alone for some time, moved in with OW in 2009, moved out again Mar 2010 S:8 D:11
I promised myself that if he went back to her again without trying things with me properly then I would definitely call it quits as I am tired of being in this madness. But now I don't feel so sure. If I let him move in, maybe he would make more effort? Who knows.
Who knows? YOU DO.
Dayana, DO this (give in to his childish, petulant emotional blackmail demands), and you'll be destined to a life of "more of the same" from him, including other woman (or even women -- plural) for the rest of your life.
You were given great advice above from Coach and PMABaby. I'd suggest you follow it, and STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Is this (giving in to a man's crap behavior, so long as he badgers you enough) what you want to teach your daughter? Please consider this, and then re-read it slowly: She is about to head into her formative years for how she will relate physically and emotionally to the opposite sex for the rest of her life.
