2 x 4's goals timeframe

[Jstar]

I've been on and off the site since nov 09. Originally "here we go again".

Short end of story: H left me when i was 4 months pregnant.

Obviously I have not set boundaries and have not followed thru with them. We seem to have moments where we are okay and then a week or so will pass and we don't speak or him seeing the kids.

When he's angry he says he's going the next day to file, hasn't happened yet. i ask what his intentions are for filing for divorce - it gets ignored.

I think nah I know we are both confused, neither of us are making any concessions for the other, or should i say we are not doing something the other wants changed in the relationship.

he goes from one day planning a family vacation together, to taking me to airport to screaming at me he want's a divorce.

i guess i need to look at triggers. i was in seattle with both kids for d18 graduation, horrible flight stuck overnight in another city, broke my storller and it goes on and on from there.

anyways the next day when we finally, me and kids got into our hotel i called him. he was sitting at his works bar having a beer. i lost it got so angry and then our convos went downhill

he didn't pick up us from airport couldn't/wouldn't leave work to get us till 4 hrs after flight, me kids just took a cab ride home

back to convos of don't call him, leave him alone etc. to he comes over to give me diapers, dog and cat food. my car is parked at his house broke, been without it for a month.

if i could play a guessing game he is wanting to see a change in me, i did embrace his family, talk to his mom more then him. that was his major issue or one he voiced.

i don't know if i should just do whatever as in nothing or propose counseling?

let me see from michelle's standpoint: is there something telling me he wants to remain married: he hasn't filed for divorce.

is there something in actions that is telling me he wants to work out marriage? NO, i feel like he is just testing me, waiting and seeing. he went so far as to pose the "friend" thing then took it back with wanting to divorce. he wont say to work on marriage but i don't think he has to say it but it would be nice. is he doing anything in actions that appears he's working on us? difficult to answer.

so what will help me?

start exercising
been working on house painting spring cleaning
looking at groups to join in meet up website
reconnected with best friend (male)

do i want to save my marriage? I think so. so i need help in laying out a plan to first figure out if i want to really save my marriage, 2 what steps to take in reconciliation direction if i chose that path, i know all to well how to get divorced - 2 prior.

[knightinneed]

JStar My WAW and I had the same type of behavior, and I was a bit like your H. She would Nag Nag, or say I wasnt doing this or that and get nasty and sometimes Id say we need a divorce.

I think the D word became like a Big Red Button to push honestly as a empty threat because I regret ever saying it to her. I did alot of damage using that word, to the point where she said Home didnt feel like home.

I would really ask your H to understand that word is not to be used lightly, because it seems as if it is being waved around like a empty threat, because of anger and not really wanting a divorce.

[Jstar]

that sounds like a good boundary.

goes for me as well.

kinghtinneed, what's the status of your sitch?

ive tried setting ground rules for us but we both get so angry it all goes out the window.

examples,

cursing at one another, we both do it.
disrespecting one another

[knightinneed]

My sitch is so far outta control Jstar, well you would likely have to read for yourself, its a mess as we are separated and heading toward D.

My WAW wants D so I am going to let her file it.

The behaviors of being mean to one another sounds a lot like myself and WAW. Honestly Jstar if I could do it all over, I would do it like this.

If we get into heated discussion it is ok to take a break go cool off, take a walk, go to Wal Mart and look around a bit. You have stop the escalation any way possible, because when it escalates like it did with WAW and myself it became out of control.

Also, sometimes it is ok to just Validate and agree and be sincere that you see his point of view rather then try to force your point of view on him.

Yep, if I could do it all over in a time machine, I would bet that 75% of all of our arguments would have been head off at the pass by listening, validating, and taking a breather.

[Jstar]

i feel like i should just write down some guidelines for he and i to try to follow whether we have the goal of getting back together or not. the guidelines might a HUGE might help us parent together.

by no way am i really thrilled about this thinking, but if we could just get some interactions longer then 2 weeks that are not full of anger at each other in our faces, phone, or text.

ironically i hear him making comments to me about what i've said to him inthe past. For example when you proposed the friend thing he said, jstar you always said i was better to my friends and put them before you so maybe if you and i were friends....

i also don't want to be let for a huge disappointment.

[knightinneed]

JStar yet another comment that hits home.

you always said i was better to my friends and put them before you so maybe if you and i were friends....

Jstar, I believe alot of times in relationships when communication is not the way it should be or if the other partner has taken the other for granted, that people begin to lose their patience or understanding with loved ones.This even happens to some degree in Parent child relationships.



Now, that doesnt mean he doesnt love you or even loves his friends more, it is just he still has his friend/nice guy radar on with them as he would a stranger or employer. I would guess with all the arguing and yelling that has gone on it started to become a pattern of behavior.

You can change that pattern with patience, validation, taking a breather. You change yourself to change him, dont give into the arguing the fighting it is no good for either of you. Try to discover your triggers and maybe if he knew his you all could work to head those off at the pass!

[Jstar]

i know some of my triggers:

1. i have kids 24/7. only when i work do i not, as soon as done work im picking them up, getting home, dinner ect. i take care of house pets everything

he has NEVER done that with both kids. his mother cooks, cleans, does his laundry ect. for him. if i'm at work and he's at home with his mother he will just sleep if he wants to while the kids are there.

because of this if he gets to go home no responsibilities, hang out with friends, u know have a life. i see nothing but red.

ive asked him to take both kids- he will make excuses on why not to take them or blow up at me-basically starts an argument to not father both kids.

[knightinneed]

1. i have kids 24/7. only when i work do i not, as soon as done work im picking them up, getting home, dinner ect. i take care of house pets everything

he has NEVER done that with both kids. his mother cooks, cleans, does his laundry ect. for him. if i'm at work and he's at home with his mother he will just sleep if he wants to while the kids are there.[u][/u]

Wow Jstar, this sounds like I did when I was like 25 and had 2 kids with my ex and mother of my other daughter 7. He obviously is spoiled and a little selfish on this. I agree and totally understand your anger, it is really hard to work take care of kids the whole 9 yards on your own.

I was immature like that at one point I admit. But when my X and I were all together with the kids it seemed as if it was ok. Some guys get into the habit of viewing wife/kids as a package deal and lean on the wife as main caregiver. Perhaps it was that way as he was growing up so he thinks nothing of it.

It takes a mature man to recognize that quality fatherly time is as important as Mom Dad Family time. He obviously needs to understand your concerns as a tired Mom who needs a break on this. Ask him nicely in some way to watch them for a day, while you take a rest. Maybe even offer him something to get him to do it, perhaps trade a favor or you do it 1 day he do it 1 day take turns. He really needs to know how big of a deal this is for a woman.

Believe I understand, been there before. He will get it and soon enough, he'll grow out of this mentality hopefully.
The older they get the easier they are to watch : )

[Jstar]

wEll h is 30 year old and i really don't believe he will ever grow up. case in point, for entire relationship i have a career not job, responsible in paying the bills etc. he could not work but when he did under the table he would give money to his parents.

now currently he is working still illegally, he is giving me some money but complains about it or with holds it if i do not jump through his hoops. really sad that my salary always paid for everything and now he is "workin" quote: IT IS MY MONEY TO DO WITH WHAT I WANT"

I sent him a msg asking if h would come over thursday so i can use his truck to run errands and he watch the kids. no response yet.

if my car was working and asked for this, he would say, just take the kids to my moms(that's where he lives) that way he would not have any responsibility for them.

i think from time to time, why do i want to be married to him, he is going to have to change big time in his character and behavior, in which he is not willing/capable of.

i think i want to be married not only for the kids but so i don't have to sell my house(i purchased prior to marraige- he has horrible credit and irresponsible) to keep a stable home for my kids, not only do i have cats but also dogs.

he has grown in some thinking though...before he would call being a dad babysitting. i would always ask,"how can you babysit when you are their father?, it's called being a parent. I think he is scared of young babies, i saw it the other day when he finally held son 4 months. i have to heave son on him to get him to hold him or interact otherwise he just ignores him....

having been married before i know everything that comes with divorce. i lost custody of my daughter now 18 to xhusband because the judge said he doubted my character. i do not want my two babies with step mothers-children the merryground of all of that.

i told h point blank he would have to kill me before i allow EVER any other woman in my children's lives, i'm pretty sure he knows i'm serious, i am dead serious about it.

i just want the option to explore the possibility or to find out if i really want to be with h.

[knightinneed]

Wow, sounds familiar every word. Well, I can completely understand where you are coming from.

It almost sounds like you need to find some way to communicate your very valid concerns of H's immaturity to him without it turning into a fight.

It does seem you have a lot at stake with the house and kids. Have you considered having a talk with H's mom about things? As a Mom and Grandma she could relate with what is going on.

It kinda sounds like she is enabling his immaturity in many ways, which I know is upsetting you. The bottom line is H needs to gain some maturity in the situation.

I normally wouldnt encourage any one to go to the other sides family, but perhaps you could approach her in a good way and express a few concerns so maybe she could a little pressure on him to step up and be a DAD!