My standing up for myself-

[bel44]

can you guys who have read a little about my sitch tell me what you think?

Dear 22222,

I spoke with my therapist and bo about our conversation and thought about it some, and I have this to say; I believe in marriage and I believe in the sanctity of it. I have given you forgiveness and love and commitment, and that's all I have asked in return. When I asked you if you would be willing to go to therapy with me to work through your (in your own words) bitterness and anger and refusal to let anything go, you refused, saying 'you don't need therapy'. You did say that if I get a job so that you can take a vacation, you would consider coming home in half a year. My job as a waitress or a secretary full time won't even cover your rental in @@@@@, if I could find one at all. And before you left, I cut my hours at school to work for you for free to try to be a better partner to you, and all I got was critism for cutting my school hours, as if there were anything I could possibly have done right at that point. There simply wasn't. You 'couldn't afford to pay me', so I said ok. Then, you hired two employees that you have to pay. Why did you rent that property when you could stay here or with your sister if you are so concerned about money?

The fact is that you said you would provide for us and put me through school. Using our credit card for frivolous things, which is something you do too, or being a human and having mood swings, not running errands for you once or twice when you wanted me to in our whole relationship compared to how many times I did, or counting on my attorney husband to fully financially support me while I attend school full time to try to get a decent job and contribute to our future as a family, is not something that I believe is unforgivable, not compared to what I have been expected to forgive, and have for the sake of our marriage.

I went to Dr. @@@@ alone to try to figure out ways to work on myself and us. I took proactive steps to better myself and our relationship. You were uninterested in doing so and still are.

I am willing to not go through with this divorce if YOU care enough to move back in and go to therapy to try to get past what YOU can't get past. If you feel that it is that important to you that I work a part time job while attending school full time, I will. If you need to work out how to forgive me not running errands or helping run up some debt with you, then professional help is needed to fix this. It would be a positive, proactive step(s) to healing yourself as an angry person, and would help you as a functional human being in the long run. Dr. Rose was unable to work with you because you refused to go even by yourself. All I wanted was for you to try to heal youself and us some and show you had any interest in bettering things.

I still offer this to you, a chance to heal together. I will not, however, be tortured by being kept hanging in limbo and having to jump through hoops until you either go away or I am so beaten down I have nothing left to give anyone because I gave it all to someone who doesnt even recognize it.

My 'vacation' to houston, to try to get my head on straight and figure out what to do with myself now that I have given everything to you and haven't really even thought of myself as an individual except to go to school, was something you resented and have brought up to me several times. I tried to visit my family last summer as well. But of course, my whole trip was spend agonizing over something I said wrong before I left and the fear of what would happen when I got home-and did. And then there was christmas, when I got blamed for something I had nothing to do with. And then we went to @@@@@, and I did everything to love your family and fit in with them. It just all went overlooked....

When you say it has all been about me, it's rediculous. It's about you. Your anger, your feelings, and your choice, all of which I agonize about how to fix. I can't fix your anger that you brought with you into our relationship. All I ever did was try to love you.

Since you think that my interest in being with you is because youre my 'mealticket', I have attatched bo's counter proposal to your offer. If you are not serious about working things out and learning how to have a loving, supportive marriage like I am, I would like to get the divorce done and to stop pretending we are not apposing counsels in a law suite. You sued me for a divorce.

[KarenR]

Hi there,
I am glad that you are on the DB website. You might want to shorten your post, to get more responses. However, I do understand what you are going through, and it sounds like what many of our clients experience, when two people are not 'on the same page'. It is a very tough time and IC is good, but I hope you take advantage of the DB coaches, because what they offer immediately, is give you a very specific plan of what to say and do when you have contact in person, or thru email etc. That way you are more likely not to push him further away or make him defensive and...you will feel very good about yourself!
I would look forward to talking to you more about this.
Karen
The Divorce Busting Center
Karen