Scwred up and need advice

[TimeHeals]

Just found W on Matchmaker.com. I knew she had to be somewhere. God this hurts.

Yeah, full on flight mode. She's looking for somebody else to make her feel good about herself. She's not very mature, IMO.
This is a "reflected" sense of self.

This is probably the crux of all of your past problems. You made her feel good about herself... until you stopped. You probably even got angry because somebody needed consistent validation from you, and truth be told... even if you had provided that, it would have become boring over time, and you'd be right where you are now so long as she NEEDS exteneral validation to feel good about herself.

Now, you can examine why YOU chose somebody who NEEDED that because it says something about YOU too.

[dazed1]

Cajun,

I have no words of advice like the brilliant veterans on here, but I just wanted to say hello (and AIEEE!) to a cajun brother. I'm sorry that you're going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[WalkingMan]

I wonder how old that posting on matchmaker is. There are many WAW, including my XW, that wait for OM to become available to make a move. Has she ever been out of a relationship long? Perhaps TimeHeals is right and she requires someone to make her feel good about herself and has little self worth otherwise. But ultimately, it's no excuse for adultery.

She needs work, my friend.

[CPCajun]

I signed up. It was no longer an active account. But yes TH an Sgfan. It does say something. My W does want need the attention and someone to validate her feelings to. I admit I was not there for her.

I know y'all will hate me(Puppy, Coach,Sandi), but I do reach out to her first. I never did before. I try not to push or seem needy though. I start some chit chat and stop. I find that this works. If it works you keep doing it right? Plus doesn't this fill her time with me instead of OM?

I know once I bust A with OM, things will change. Hopefully

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Define "works."

[Coach]

Cajun, I think it's time you lead and lay down how your home is going to roll. You need to reclaim your house/bedroom and call her out on the CB. She keeps you off balance by telling you she needs to talk then telling you she's done - that's your speech to give.

Tell her you need to talk.

This is very specific, not up for negotiation and it works.

"Wife, I have been doing some thinking. I know I have hurt you in the past and for that I am sorry. I agree this marriage isn't working for me either. I have decided I won't share you with another man. I am moving back into the house, you will move into the garage apt. I will contact my L to get the D filed."

You have thought about this (decisive), you admit your fault, you agree with her and set her free, you call her out on the A, you reclaim your home (manly) and you give her the bomb. Now she can choose how she responds. No ultimatums, not controlling her just giving her what she wants but with you leading (attractive). She knows you know about the A, she wants you to fight for her, she will respect you for standing up to her - that's a test.

Don't reveal how you know, just say "I know all about Russ, don't kid yourself." if she tells you there is no OM. She really wants you to put your foot down and call the meeting to order. She will be angry and still test you. This isn't personal just about behavior that is unacceptable in your home. She has a choice in how she behaves and you have a choice in how you let her treat you. You can handle it.

Strength and Honor
Coach

[CPCajun]

I am not saying I initiate every conversation but, She seems open and wants to converse if I start. She is not as tense and seems to open up. Granted it is small talk and sometimes groes into R. I still do not bring it up, but if she does, I do talk about it in sinple answers.
When she does talk about things, usually in the future tense it is 'we' or somehow she includes me as part of the future. Even if its the small stuff, once she opens, sometimes she will ask me to come sit with her or watch TV or a movie.

[WalkingMan]

Cajun,

The answer is yes and no. You need her to pursue you. So you may approach it in a manner that shows you love and value her, but if she does not want to be with you than maybe a D is the way to go.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Cajun, I think it's time you lead and lay down how your home is going to roll. You need to reclaim your house/bedroom and call her out on the CB. She keeps you off balance by telling you she needs to talk then telling you she's done - that's your speech to give.

Tell her you need to talk.

This is very specific, not up for negotiation and it works.

"Wife, I have been doing some thinking. I know I have hurt you in the past and for that I am sorry. I agree this marriage isn't working for me either. I have decided I won't share you with another man. I am moving back into the house, you will move into the garage apt. I will contact my L to get the D filed."

You have thought about this (decisive), you admit your fault, you agree with her and set her free, you call her out on the A, you reclaim your home (manly) and you give her the bomb. Now she can choose how she responds. No ultimatums, not controlling her just giving her what she wants but with you leading (attractive). She knows you know about the A, she wants you to fight for her, she will respect you for standing up to her - that's a test.

Don't reveal how you know, just say "I know all about Russ, don't kid yourself." if she tells you there is no OM. She really wants you to put your foot down and call the meeting to order. She will be angry and still test you. This isn't personal just about behavior that is unacceptable in your home. She has a choice in how she behaves and you have a choice in how you let her treat you. You can handle it.

Strength and Honor
Coach

THIS!!! ^

[koliver0821]

Cajun, I think it's time you lead and lay down how your home is going to roll. You need to reclaim your house/bedroom and call her out on the CB. She keeps you off balance by telling you she needs to talk then telling you she's done - that's your speech to give.

Tell her you need to talk.

This is very specific, not up for negotiation and it works.

"Wife, I have been doing some thinking. I know I have hurt you in the past and for that I am sorry. I agree this marriage isn't working for me either. I have decided I won't share you with another man. I am moving back into the house, you will move into the garage apt. I will contact my L to get the D filed."

You have thought about this (decisive), you admit your fault, you agree with her and set her free, you call her out on the A, you reclaim your home (manly) and you give her the bomb. Now she can choose how she responds. No ultimatums, not controlling her just giving her what she wants but with you leading (attractive). She knows you know about the A, she wants you to fight for her, she will respect you for standing up to her - that's a test.

Don't reveal how you know, just say "I know all about Russ, don't kid yourself." if she tells you there is no OM. She really wants you to put your foot down and call the meeting to order. She will be angry and still test you. This isn't personal just about behavior that is unacceptable in your home. She has a choice in how she behaves and you have a choice in how you let her treat you. You can handle it.

Strength and Honor
Coach

THIS!!! ^

Agreed. To be honest. Although your not playing games intentionally, it has the same effect. Its time to lay it out there. Be sure to breathe and talk slowly and let it sit in with her. Be sure to ask her if she understands how you feel as well. That way you know she gets it.

I had the same conversation with my wife. I think it helped me much more than I can put into words. Like a giant weight off my shoulders. Unfortunately, I didnt break an affair. It had been busted by someone related to the OM's wife. It happened several months before the bomb but its funny how guilt can build up in someone.

The good news is that my wife and I are still going strong. Actually better than strong. Better than before. Better than ever. So you can get through this. Make sure its what you want. Heck, you may feel that someone else deserves the Cajun more than your current wife does.