My Story - Advice Welcom

[elvencat]

Going to IC today. Doing a few things to take care of myself - including talking to a friend with knowledge about the colleges around here and info about going back to school. :-)

Awesome way to start the day. Do you know what you want to study yet?

And your sig is very complete.

[mishka422]

Sunny,

You said some very important things in your second post and I'd like to expand on those.

I think it's good for me but I don't think it will help much in terms of the M.

Good for YOU! Do what feels good for you without considering how your H will react to it. This is not about him right now. He has manipulated this into being all about him....NOPE! Not even close.

I have wanted to become an official member. My H has not. I don't want to tick him off, but I want to belong.

Ummmm......see above!! Again, good for you. Why doesn't your H want to become a member? You've been going there for a year. Is your membership at another local church currently? What is stopping him? Does it really matter? Do what YOU want to do unless you are required by the church to move your membership as a family. That would be overstepping at the moment.

without worrying about what he was thinking about what I was doing/not doing!

Again....why worry about what he is thinking? Do what you feel you need to do at that time. If you need to hibernate, then do that. Just don't let it become your daily habit. One day of it is allowed though! Heck, everyone needs a down day every now and then. It is meant to recharge, not wallow.

My biggest problem is I am feeling very much alone!

Darling, you are anything but alone. We are here for you. Please know that you can say anything to us here and it will be received, commented on, advice given about it, and...if needed.....gentle 2x4's given.

My ladies church group is on hiatus in the summer too and it's really difficult when you're having a hard time to be away from that support. Even if they don't know your situation, it's still nice to be around other women of faith that are positive people.

IC is the best gift you can give yourself. Hopefully your therapist is assesment based and not so much on just talk therapy. Talking about your problems with them is important so they get an understanding of where you are coming from, but there comes a time when they must start assesing the underlying issues and, through your own reflections, come to help you understand them. They are not there to give you solutions, but to point you in the right direction to find them yourself.

[SunnyD]

I wish I knew how to post more efficiently... I don't know how to do the cut/paste thing to respond to individual stuff yet, so bear with me!

Good Advice about the employment agency. It's so discouraging to keep looking and finding nothing. I joined a jobs ministry thing that shares info about jobs available last week. I would still prefer to go back and finish my degree rather than jumping into the work force but that will have to be a joint decision if me and H stay together.

I am with you on the being a mind reader thing! I'm not! Good point about the communication thing. It took bad communication on both of our parts and is not just my fault for not being able to know exactly what was going on in his mind.

Sex: still an issue for me in terms of knowing what to do! My IC says to feel the freedom to go for it if I feel like doing so as long as I'm not thinking it is luring him back. My friend said I should definitely not - that it is giving him his cake and eating it too.... I'm very confused on this point. Not an issue until he returns home on Wednesday. All communication from him thus far has been very positive. No ILY's but pleasant, friendly, and somewhat affectionate in tone. I know better than to think that means everything is OK. He told me last week "not to think everything is fine unless he says it's fine." ??? (maybe I mentioned that already) Yet, on the phone he is saying things like, "WE should do this and WE should do that...."

You're right about GAL and not being paralyzed by fear of what he will do. That's hard but very important, I'm sure.

Thanks for being here!!!! :-)

[SunnyD]

I'm learning that no matter what I did, this would have happened in our relationship because we couldn't effectively communicate with each other. We didn't know what the other was thinking or feeling, yet we expected each other to immediately know what we were thinking ourselves... as my H also said... "you should have known".. I'm not a mind reader. I never claimed to be, yet he expected me to be able to "read him" like an open book. Yes, improve yourself, but don't take it all out on yourself. Your H did this, too.

As Puppy would say, BINGO

OH LOOK...I figured out how to respond to the quote! LOL. Are there any prizes for BINGO?!!

The problem is - of course H did this too. However, I'm the only one willing to "work on stuff" so it doesn't matter to him that HE did it oo. sigh

[SunnyD]

WOW. This is me to a tee, but i'm the H. It has gotten easier over the last 4 months. It still hurts, but I'm GAL and bettering myself. I would love to have my wife back, but I do not and will not have that old life back if that is what it takes to have her back. I will just have to move on with the new, improved me.

Sorry to hear this because I know it is HELL. I like this attitude though.

[SunnyD]

OK...maybe too much quoting??? LOL. Gotta learn to cut and paste.

Elven - LOVE the suggestion list. Very helpful. And sorry to hear you are in the same boat because I wouldn't wish it on anyone!

Ironically - I wanted to pursue a psychology degree and go into marriage/family counseling! I told my IC that maybe that's not a good idea, lol, but she says people with experience are usually the best therapists. I was quite discouraged though to learn how long it will take me to get there - not to even go into the amount of money! :-( With 1 going into college and 2 brothers each going in 2 years in succession next - I don't know if I can do it. I'm not going to think in those terms right now though, just one step at a time.

[SunnyD]

Mishka - all very good points! I just need the support I guess to do what I know I need to do - which is, to do what's best for me as an individual regardless of H right now. Sometimes easier said than done but I hope I'm taking the right steps.

Church: no membership elsewhere, just H doesn't have a strong spiritual side and doesn't see the need to do anything other than attend. He's never had much of a desire to actually get involved. He's actually pretty skeptical about church/God anyway. At least he has been willing to go and does have a good attitude about it...but doesn't have the desire to really delve into it. You're right though: if joining benefits me, I should do it!

I may need a big, thick 2x4 before this is all said and done!!! :-)

[elvencat]

I may need a big, thick 2x4 before this is all said and done!!! :-)

I think we all usually do... don't worry, the 2x4s don't hurt too much when you understand why you got.

How are things today?

[Heartbrknga]

Sorry to hear this because I know it is HELL. I like this attitude though.

You will get to that point. I have been all over the board and back I don't know how many times. I am a different person, I couldn't see the unhappy person I was before. I know that I WILL NOT GO BACK THERE. It may hurt like hell, but that was hell too. I love her with all my heart, but now I also love myself and that is more important to me now. If she can't let me be me, then it will just have to be. I know some of my boundaries and I will not cross back over them. LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. You deserve happiness also.

[LSG]

SunnyD,

I do not feel I am the best to give too much advice with dismal failure in my sitch.

For the job side, I would say check with Employment Development Department to see if they have any assistance they may be able to offer. They do have some resources that are helpful.

I would suggest that you focus on yourself and the areas you want to improve for you. Have you considered seeing what it would take to be a mediator in family law. I wonder what the requirements are for that. It could have some of the same interest related to psychology. Just a suggestion for you. It could take more or less time to get there for you. I have no idea the requirements.

I hope for you the best, and it is difficult, but there is always hope.

Take care yourself and be positive if possible no matter what happens.